Do’s & Don’ts when life partner is cheating

"I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” : Haruki Murakami "

One of the major cause of marital discords is the ‘infidelity’ or ‘Cheating’ means  either of the partner is having an extra marital affair. It usually comes as setback for the other partner.   

The discovery of the fact that the life partner is cheating comes as a knife blow in the stomach. Some time people take extreme steps without understanding to the situation which consequently make the situation even worse. So, a question arises what one should do to deal with such critical and complex situation.

In this article we have tried to give some insights on particular behavioral aspects and do’s & don’ts in such a complex situation. We hope that you may find it useful. 

1) “Confess right now !”:-  Self-righteous attitude.

He/ She will never confess. Nobody confesses the cheating, so don’t pressurize him/her to confess. ‘You are wrong and insulting me!’ is the common response. If you know the response then there is no point for wait for confession.

On the contrary, just give a signal that you come to know about cheating but forgiving for a while (if you can) to give another chance to correct the mistake. He/she may realize the mistake and probably may change in future.  

2) “I will leave before he/she leaves me!”- Super self-esteem.

The very first reaction of a sensitive spouse comes like a little child. The sensitive partner gets deeply hurt and so much so that he/she do not want to even ask the question.

As soon as they come to know that the partner is cheating, they  get angry and do not want to see or listen any thing and just jump to an extreme consequence of leaving each other. Ask yourself, what benefit will this attitude accrue you? 

Whether you really want to get away or it is your self-esteem which is compelling you to jump out of relationship so early. Don’t take the decision of separation in haste. Hold on for a while. Think about your future. Future of kids, financial requirements etc.   

3) “How dare you? You son/ daughter of a ....?” – No control over anger.

And they started to wrestling with each other. Verbal Fight, scolding, abusing and  finally some punches on face. As soon as the partner learn about cheating of their life partners, sometimes they start to fight then and there. They want to fight/slap and physical arm twisting. That is but natural but not warranted. Fighting with the partner will prove him/her right about the decision.That will justify the cheating in mind of the other partner. 

Physical fight is the sign of a weaker sex. Those who are having weak will power use the physical fight in general. It is against only the behavioral aspect but it is against the law.

Law does not permit you to get into physical fight. Hold on the emotions. Analyze the situation, whether the physical fight can give some thing to you really? Probably not, then don’t do it now.  Try to calm down. Think 360 degree. Challenges ahead. Prepare yourself for coming life and situations.  

4. “Okey Fine, Then let the whole world know this!”: Child personality is still alive within.

This the most stupid thing you can do. People would not help to resolve you issue. Only very few of your real close friends, relatives may come forward to a little extent. Most of the time, people   will get take it as the free entertainment. If the issue get resolve later on, then you and your partner will not be able to get the same respect from these people anytime in future.

At the beginning , avoid the childish act and stop informing every one until you are so sure that situation is completely out of hand. However, if the relationship is completely lost then it may be tool for self satisfaction that at least you have uncover the ‘wrong-doer’ in front of society.

Contact the trusted counselors and trusted relatives/friends only. Try to keep in close room until you have hope to save your relationship.  

5. “Cheater always Lie”:-  ( Walking with closed eyes)

The thinking and attitude makes the difference. If you start with a attitude ‘Cheaters always lie’; probably, you will not reach anywhere. Don’t disbelieve every thing until you have a clear proof of ‘infidelity’ of your partner's cheating.

It is fairly possible that your life partner wish to tell some truth but you are considering his/her truth as lie because he/she remained  a liar in past.  Think if the other person is telling true. Can  you give him/her another chance? May be he/she come on the track in future? Will you loose anything?  

6. “Why you are spoiling my life?”- Questioning  to the suspect :-

 If you are not sure, then there is not point of questioning the suspect man/women who is probably involve in cheating with your life partner. Suspect is not answerable to you. Your life partner  is answerable to you.

So, you can inquiry directly with your life partner but don’t inquire with suspect as it will not yield any good result. But remember, some times clearly, warning the suspect like “Stay away” Or “I will let you know the result” may work to some extent if the suspect is a timid one.  

7. “Why I married this idiot?” : -Regret on decision leads you nowhere

It is too late to remorse about the decision of marriage. even if you now cry or condemn yourself that why to married with your life partner, things will not change. So crying and condemning is not a good idea. Rather, it will hinder you to make a good plan for future life.  

 8. “ I want to tell some thing”: ( Mature mind – Adult personality in play)

You need to put it very politely. How your life partner feels about you and what he/she thinks about any one else (suspect). The things to be put very delicate and depends of the mood/attitude/ behavior of individual. It is better to make an atmosphere where you can clear your doubts. Once the atmosphere, you can dig deep and clarify even minute details. This may work to sensible and understanding partners.  

9. Ask yourself : ( Mature mind – Adult personality in play)

Ask yourself whether you want to save this relationship or not?. And, preferably, you should first try to put best efforts to save the relationship. You are the best judge in your situation that what is needed to save the relationship. Ask yourself, again and again and get the final conclusion to for step ahead. In silence, you will get your answer.  

10) Plan you future requirement : ( Mature mind – Adult personality in play)

If your partners is cheating and you are suspecting that he/she will leave then draw a written plan for future requirements.  What will be the amount of financial requirements, how you will handle? What are the things you would need to handle the financial requirement?

Make a  detail plan. Put every minute requirement like medicines, insurances, child expenses, education, vehicle etc. Also, prepare what will are the necessary things/ items which may help you to get future requirements.  

You can contact your lawyer and a counselor to prepare yourself for the future contingency.

The above-mentioned thought are general advise and can not take it as the formal rule. But, we believe that any adversity in life gives opportunity to become more mature and strong. I Individual situation demand special ways to handle. By the wisdom and patience the storm of life will pass and new sun with light would welcome the person who proved  to be brave and wise.

Warm Regard

Ambrish