HUSBAND REFUSING TO LEAVE PARENTS AND SET UP RESIDENCE

The couple may like to  remain near in- laws house, to be with them, as well as to be at a slight distance from them,  so that amiable relationship can be maintained with the in- laws without losing a space of their own. 

Try to resolve the matter at home only through the help of relatives and mutual discussions. Cultural differences in cooking, house keeping, decorating the house can be resolved if the inlaws gives some time to the new wife to adjust in their house and treat her kindly with respect, there is also no harm in letting the daughter in law to try some of her decorations , new receipies. Why not accept a little change and resolve the differences amicably.

It is a sad reality that sometimes these cultural differences are not respected and become a cause for hurt and later on escalating conflicts, if considerable time is lost in educating in -laws to appreciate the beauty of diverse cultures under the same roof. Especially in a vegetarian family, for  example, if the girl wants to cook non veg dishes(just an example, it may not be the case though), it is highly impossible that it would be allowed in a spirit of adjustment. 

So depends from one situation to another, if the couple would like to live separately( say like a twin house) in the proximity of parents/in -laws or see a scope for convincing parents not to dissociate daughter in law from her own culture completely. 

We learn by errors. Especially older children do process what is happening in their homes, independent of the influence of either parents. Contrary to the expectation that they would be programmed or brainwashed, they may develop an aversion to such parenting which attempts to deny their independent thinking through brainwashing. Children do not exist in a solitary cell where they may be brainwashed. They interact with a world outside their homes. They keep processing what should have happened which would have prevented collapse of relationship between parents. If it had been true that children of divorced parents are more likely to run into divorce, today in this forum many of us would not have been fighting painful divorce battles in the courts, because I am sure most of us come from intact homes as against broken homes. Just to point out that damaging generalization would ultimately harm children and create a negative environ for our children. 

Children are not just victim, they are active thinkers, and actors. They are capable of asking parents to shut up. They have other influences than their parents..they have friends, they read books, they have schools and form bonding with their teachers, they have immediate surroundings and some of which have very healthy influence on them. Children do need a stable and peaceful environment. Would threatening,  punishing, subjecting the child to psychotherapies, branding the custodial parent and children from "broken homes" as criminal, depressed, etc. etc. bring any relief and peace to the child?

My different postings should be read in context of my past posting as to why  without preparing warring parent/s for a peaceful existence centered d on child's flowering, joint custody would create more confusion in the minds of the children than solve problems. Let visitation rights be used proactively and constructively meanwhile. In so many "intact" homes, it is not unusual to see, that children perhaps have seen their  fathers less often than a child from a " broken" home would see his/her father, if father uses the visitation hours sincerely and without making it an occasion to fill the child with hatred for his/her custodial parent--which it cannot be denied, also happens in many cases and the child also process and sees through this intensive progamming in a short duration, if it happens as much as it discerns such doing by the custodial parent. 

I am sorry, my previous  posting was meant for some other thread. Please ignore it . 

Now it's the daughter inlaw's house also...she shud be allowed to decorate,cook as per her wishes also.too.

for example on all days,one meal daughter inlaw can cook according to wot she learnt from her mum and remaining half she shud cook as per inlaws' desires...so both shud compromise..rather they shud enjoy foods of a different type cooked by the other

daughter inlaw shud be allowed to decorate atleast her own room as per he liking.

U can also ask inlaws to take a break and let her take over the house.tell them to njoy their life and relax. rather it’s a +ve sign that she wants to work in this house…otherwise there are inlaws who complain of a lazy daughter inlaw…tell the inlaws that they shud imagine the house like a job from which they got retirement,and are now given a permanent holiday to enjoy their retirement period,and a new person has come to handle this office…however if they keep running to their old office to see If it’s being run properly,will it not affect the employees there?

.tell the mothet inlaw that the bahu will not become more powerful than her,or will not take her son’s place,just because she’s trying to work her way. a mother is a mother and wife is a wife…the mother cannot become a wife and vice versa.

It is not that only the in-laws have to change. Every girl who come to the matrimonial home needs to agree and accept the fact that the cultures & procedures at their home need not necessarily be  the exact same in the matrimonial home. There might be genuine circumstances where the girl has to adopt. This is tough but this is place where the husband's and in-laws have to support her till the time change. But the important point is the wife needs to accept the change and see how she can adopt. The very reason why women leave their home and comes to the husband's place is because of the fact that women are quick in adopting to change.

But nowadays, many women have pre-defined thoughts (that in-laws will always find faults) and dont want to adopt. The problem comes when the girl starts insisting  that "This is the way it has to happen" rather than stating "Can we try this way??".  There is nothing wrong in expressing their thoughts and feelings. But the problem comes when they keep their dislke within them and allow it grow which results in a feeling of insecurity.

They start complaining to the husband that your mother said this..your mother said that..blah blah blah ...The reality of the fact is that the girl might not have understood the wholistic picture of what the in-laws intended to say. The husband lives with his parents for 27yrs and knows much better about his partents on what they intend to say, how they approach life etc than the girl. When the husband tries to explain this to the wife they deny to listen and complain again that she doesnt have the support of the husband and he always supports his parents.

Its all in the way the problem is approached and expressed. If women are open, honest and gentle in their wants and difficulties, i am sure everyone will give ears to it and would definitely help to address them. No one would like their sons life to hang in an balance. But if the wife wants to play 'tactics" with the in-laws and jeoparadise the relationship, they better understand that the in-laws are much matured than them by age and experience and everyone is equally intelligent.

Anonymous1,

Good thoughts.. Thank you for the post..

I think still we havent answered the original question..

What can wife do if the husband is resuing to leave the parents?? Does this amount to Cruelty?? Can the husband be forced to move out of the house?

This DOES NOT COME UNDER CRUELTY.. Husband has the right to say that he wants to conytinue staying with his parents. Its the wife's turn to decide whether she wants to go amicably with the in-laws or she wants to file FLASE 498-A cases and get divorced.

If the husband wants to stay in an joint family and at the same time fears that his wife could cause harm to other family members or self-inflict harm for herself and turn the blame on the husband/in-laws, what kind of measures can an husband take ??

why dont they go in for marriage counselling??

meanwhile i think they shd go for a holiday together where they there for each other..they need a break from this daily bickering,and so do the inlaws..

IF IT IS MUTUAL CONSENT OK, OTHERWISE 498A

I think from a "whats the right thing to do" point of view, its not right for anyone trying to force the spouse to leave the parents. Reconciliation must be the path always taken and issues get resolved when people sit down and talk. The person involved must play an important part on this and should mediate between parents and spouse. Talking about legal aspects well there are two ways of seeing it. Is it the wife who has been wronged? If yes she has recourse to both DV and section 498 (but wont it alienate the husband). Meanwhile the unilateral decision of the husband leaving his parents might attaract The Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Act. So the key word here is to reconcile.