brokendreamz (Engineer) 28 April 2011

Divorce - Dream Crashed

Sir/Madam,

I'm married for 3 years. Our relationship started in a very unusually beautiful way. She saw my profile in a matrimony site and apparently fell in love that she couldnt marry anyone else. When her parent contacted mine for the first time, we disagreed for this proposal since we were not found compatible astrologically. However, she was so in love with me(we have never met nor spoken) that she rejected all other proposals for the next one year and her dad kept contacting us for 2-3 times. During a family discussion, we felt we have to honor her love and my parents thought it is a gift to find someone who is so willing to marry me and come to our house. Beautiful, isnt it?

So we got happily married, my parents felt dutifuly satisfied. My relationship with my wife was kind of strange right from the first week.. I took her to Mauritius for honeymoon and noticed that we were not able to hold constructive conversations, we ended up with a fight on almost any topic we started. Soon in next 2-3 weeks i took her with me to US. Things started turning worse there and we had quarrel almost every alternate days and reasons were stunningly very simple. She was picking up a fight almost for everything and it was surprising how every fight leads to extreme.No matter if it is a 5 cents issue or discussing general politics we entered into a quarrel and she started taking it to extreme levels like using abusive words, shouting, yelling and once she even cut her hands with a broken piece of plate. She started talking about suicide and she was always doubtful about everything i do, spied my laptop and comes to office to cehck if im really there. She was very strict that she wont want a baby for 3 years while i was intereted after first 6 months. Days went with fights and the only way i could calm her down is by accepting im wrong, apologies and sometime even crying asking her to leave this matter. All these days i thought it was my/her immaturity and small incompatibilities that is wrong between us and thought i should take responsibilty to sort them out. After our first 1.5 years in US, she got pregnant, unplanned. From then on she started behaving very differently, started scolding my parents who are far in India and claimed they are trying to cause her harm. One day she got very angry and started hitting herself...unfortunately(or fortunately) the baby she was carrying got aborted. I decided i cant handle this alone and decided to comeback to India.

All these days i didnt explain all the problem to my parents thinking they would suffer and when i came back to India and told them, they said it is normal to have issues and guranteed me that they will sort it out. She was calm and happy the next few months and was inclined to have a baby...there were isolated instances where she abuses me but i thought she is just a spoiled kid and advice her and all that...again in few months she started getting uncontrollable, everyone in my family had bad time and she started putting false allegations on my mom, dad and me.Things were getting worse and i was going through the roughest rollercoaster ride of my life..she gets doubtful, starts fighting, shouts, hits herself, threatens suicide, hits me and then starts crying like a baby. One day will be the most horrible and the immediate next day will be the most happiest for her. To make things worse, when we realize this is out of our control, she got pregnant again, this time we had planned it.

Her activities became worse, she demanded i leave my family if i want her to deliver the baby safe. She threatened she would hurt the baby if we dont listen to her and said she will commit suicide and write letter that we harassed her. So difficult were those days. A well wisher asked me to meet a psychiartist and discuss this. Things started becoming clear once i narrated everything and discussed with the psychiartist. He said she is most certainly suffering personality disorders and pointed out instances where she exhibited it. He also said it cannot be cured and also hinted that she would be having this right from her teen and highly possible that her parents got her married knowingly.

Life that was complicated turned disastorous for me and my family. We decided to deal with this post delivery and we all were literally slaves to her until she was 8 months. We convinced her parents to take her home for delivery and started discussing this with few more psychiatric doctors. She delivered in Feb. Eventually based on my own assesment of the situation and doctor's comments. I decided it is in the best interest of the baby, me and she herself to go for a divorce.Im sure she cannot handle normal life.

We had communicated to her parents that they should meet a psychitrist but they continously refused instead insisted that i live with her.Even now they are stubborn they wont take her to doctor. It is almost clear they knew this before and would have even be warned by their doctor that this would be the fate if they get her married. It was all surprise and shocking to know how we were mislead right before marriage until last few months.

On Divorce, my lawyer advised me to apply citing Cruelty and personality disorder and my hearing is on May. here are my questions...

1. What is the possibility i will win this divorce. I have thought-through enough and divorce is the only option.

2. Will i be able to secure my baby. I dont want the kid to suffer with her.

3. How will ailmony and maintenance work. She is working in IT company and on leave for 6 months for delivery.

4. How long will i have to go through this?

5. theoretically this disorder hits in teen, while i know their parents knew this before marriage i cant prove it. Are there chances of nullifying the marriage instead of divorce?

Please dont advice me to continue this relationship or give general suggestions. I have made enough analysis and attempts before coming to this decision. I need legal points only.

Sorry for such a long note, dint know how to squeeze my emotions and write only relevant points.

Thanks

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3 Replies

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner ) 28 April 2011

@ Author

1. What is the possibility i will win this divorce. I have thought-through enough and divorce is the only option.
Take: Alleging BPD in the midst of archaic Indian matrimonial Laws is the last dream you have made yourself to ride. Cruelty elements mentioned in your mail are long time consuming evidence based. Again not much of a hope here. The best option you shall do is to go for MCD (mutual Consent Divorce). Also in India once a person files for Divorce never think and or chase to win it. The more you chase to win it the more years you will be pushed back. Relax flow with life, your divorce already happned the day she crossed over your matrimonial doors doormat for whatever incompatibility reasons let us not ponder them agin ........

2. Will i be able to secure my baby. I don’t want the kid to suffer with her.
Take: Child is legally of breast feeding age and if you have command over child abuse medical literatures and your ld. Advocate can digest PAS and child abuse stuffs then you may win child custody. Till that time visitation is the norm for Indian Courts means creating more child abuse by Courts! Hence welcome to Indya……

3. How will alimony and maintenance work. She is working in IT company and on leave for 6 months for delivery.
Take: If both working no interim maint. for her. For child you have to co-share interim maint. based on needs of the child (food, clothing, education, medical and later her marriage and or job which ever is earlier).

4. How long will i have to go through this?
Take: A contested plain divorce in India takes roughly 3 - 5 years average. A divorce with Criminal and other maint. Laws logically bound to be filed by her side takes much much longer time in Indian Courts. If you are still in USA better to get divorce there. Though not valid foreign decrees but you have a created a platform already of your intent. It would be much faster anyhow she is not living under same roof with you now-a-days so push off back to USA and get divorce there protecting your folks backhome by de-tieing your bond legally with them least criminal case summon comes to them and then they have a cause to say they have disowned you and are not supposed to take your name summon. Change property papers to females in family name before pushing off.

5. Theoretically this disorder hits in teen, while i know their parents knew this before marriage i cant prove it. Are there chances of nullifying the marriage instead of divorce?
Take: better not prove it in Indian Courts who are still struggling to understand implications of PAS on child of divorcing parents so taking to them about BPD will be Sanskrit and you will end up becoming a foreign return chronic Indian philosopher in front of ever smiling ld. trial court Judges. Fraud elements is again difficult to prove to nullify ties with her. Least you may go for separation. But for how long think about it and what useful purpose it may solve. The best would be to sacrifice hard earnings and go for mutual consent divorce on her terms and then re-build life. All options choice is yours in a way and the way you first move she will follow you on all squares so thinks about them from different angles.

After reading this reply do let me know; are they legal or still general suggestions sinc eyou already had some discussion with ld. Advocate (s) and then have come here :-)

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brokendreamz (Engineer) 29 April 2011

Thanks for your reply. It was well-within legal suggestions. Thanks for acknowledging the point that i have heard enough general suggestions and mature enough to be fair and thoughtful.

So in short, Personality disorders aren't familiar to Indian court of law. They arent going to accept the difficulty my baby will go through with a suffering mother. Its going to take atleast 3-5 years. No way to penalize her parents who mislead me knowingly. Not encouraging but i realize i have a long battle to fight not to even but even to safeguard myself. BTW im in India and going back to US and applying divorce is not an option. Im not sure the girl will be open for MCD either...can you /or any one please pass on some encouraging fair judgements on Personality disorder cases.

Another question - Will i be able to request to court to put her to pyschatric assesment by a qualified psychiatrist instead of a general family counsellor who, i beleive will not be able to scientifically asses the situation and instead waste time with counselling.

Tajobsindia (Senior Partner ) 29 April 2011

@ Author

1. can you /or any one please pass on some encouraging fair judgments on Personality disorder cases.
Take: None exists. The trick here is to understand well BPD and make use of traits discovered in your Ms. In Court, She herself will get trapped. But, be warned at the end of it you will become philosopher and may never like to marry another ms. As you will see even a slightest characteristic of BPD in next Ms. and so on so forth and may remain indecisive of next marriage ……….J
Read well https://www.indiankanoon.org/doc/664562/
Reasoning:
Insanity defence U/s 84 IPC or unsoundness of mind U/s 328.... Cr.P.C hardly correspond to DSM-IV or WHO classifications. The ld. judge is to make a Hanuman leap to bridge the gap so better not to create ramasetu in Indian Courts by announcing your wife is insane person J Understood !

2. Another question - Will i be able to request to court to put her to pyschatric assesment by a qualified psychiatrist instead of a general family counsellor who, i beleive will not be able to scientifically asses the situation and instead waste time with counselling.
Take: Yes, use re. https://www.indiankanoon.org/doc/499710/

PS.: Cheer up man enjoy present life.....................and the first thing you shall do is change this account name as it is very depressing to current situation you are in. Apologise if invaiding your personal space..............

Divorce - Dream Crashed

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