Court Room Jokes

Questions actually asked of witnesses


1. ""Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?""
2. ""The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?""
3. ""Were you present when your picture was taken?""
4. ""Were you alone or by yourself?""
5. ""Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?""
6. ""Did he kill you?""
7. ""How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?""
8. ""You were there until the time you left, is that true?""
9. ""How many times have you committed suicide?""
10. Q: ""So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?""
A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""And what were you doing at that time?""
11. Q: ""She had three children, right?""
A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""How many were boys?""
A: ""None.""
Q: ""Were there any girls?""
12. Q: ""You say the stairs went down to the basement?"" A: ""Yes.""
Q: ""And these stairs, did they go up also?""
13. Q: ""Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: ""I went to Europe, sir.""
Q: ""And you took your new wife?""
14. Q: ""How was your first marriage terminated?""
A: ""By death.""
Q: ""And by whose death was it terminated?""
15. Q: ""Can you describe the individual?""
A: ""He was about medium height and had a beard.""
Q: ""Was this a male or female?""
16. Q: ""Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?""
A: ""No, this is how I dress when I go to work.""
17. Q: ""Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?""
A: ""All my autopsies are performed on dead people.""
18. Q: ""All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?""
A: ""Oral.""
19. Q: ""Do you recall the time that you examined the body?""
A: ""The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.""
Q: ""And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?""
A: ""No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.""
20. Q: ""You were not shot in the fracas?""
A: ""No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.""
21. Q: ""Are you qualified to give a urine sample?""
A: ""I have been since early childhood.""
22. Q: ""Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""Did you check for blood pressure?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""Did you check for breathing?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?""
A: ""No.""
Q: ""How can you be so sure, doctor?""
A: ""Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.""
Q: ""But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?""
A: ""It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Disorder In The Court
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, ""where am I Cathy?""
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial ΓÇô a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, ΓÇ£Mrs. Jones, do you know me?ΓÇ¥
She responded, ΓÇ£Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.ΓÇ¥
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ΓÇ£Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?ΓÇ¥
She again replied, ΓÇ£Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.ΓÇ¥
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, ΓÇ£If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!ΓÇ¥

good collection:):P:D

I think members can give instances of court room jokes they have come across live or heard from seniors and that will be interesting.

This actually happened in the Gujarat High Court....

 
A Lady Advocate was arguing in one of the Courts when her name was announced in another Court. Her junior got up to request the Judge some more time as she was arguing sumwhr else. But he got nervous and instead of saying ""She is on her legs before Justice So and So"" he blundered ""She is on the leg of Justice So n So"". ;)

Me:  So can you say the date of death of X?

Witness: 20-8-2007

Judge: Which month

It happened in one of my case last weak. 

g8 fantabulous

wht joke u like most?

a-...

ithink .