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littleone555 (na)     27 July 2014

Having a relationship while going through false 498a

hi. i'm from a europe, in a relationship with an indian man, who is currently married. 

 

they got married in 2009 - Arrya Samaj Mandir (it was so called "love marriage" - his mother wished to see him getting married as she was soon to die due to grave illness, which she did the following year, and he just asked the girl whom he was seeing at the time if she would marry him; girl is from higher cast and her parents didn't approve, they got married witout their knowledge)

 

they had a child born in 2011 - she became pregnent without his knowledge, stopped taking pills without telling him. he was furious about it when he first found out, but love the child very much once it was born. 

 

between late 2012 - Mar 2014 he was in europe for a job contract. wife stayed in india with the child, living at his father's house,  where they stayed together beforehand. she started working again rather quickly after giving birth. 

 

his marriage started falling apart in march 2013 - wife was demanding money, accusing him of cheating (falsely at that time), threatend him with extradiction, making his and his family lives miserable, loosing job etc.

 

we met in july 2013, after he already took the decision to leave his wife. we were happy togther and want to be together in the future. he told her about the divorce first in Oct 2013 and she was furious, refuesed to accept it, then constantly kept changing her mind. we don't believe they have any hard evidence on the nature of our relationship. 

 

he returned to india in mar 2014 as he got a better job there and also wanted to settle his affairs with the wife. she wouldn't wanna talk of the divorce, was violent towards him, shouting, threatning him etc. 2 weeks after he came back to india she moved out to her mother's house. 

 

at first family attempted to bring them back together. this failed. now she doesn't want to be with him either, but she is after money - big time. she is about to register an FIR for a false 498A case - they've been meeting at a police station several times over the last monht or so. she is demanding a house, a car and money - which he can't give to her, cause he doesn't earn that much. 

 

she is very bad at managing her finances, for example she used his credit card while he was away and made like 80.000 INR debt on it. she used it for buying phones, payments in clubs etc. (she went out a lot, would come home drunk, spent a lot on the office parties). she is employed, has a steady income and is staying with her mother now.

 

so that's the background. and now to the point: we are probably looking at a few years of battling the case in police/courts. i'm still in europe. looking at the current situation - he will not be able to come back here for some time. in such situation i feel compelled to join him in india. the separation is heartbreaking and i can't imagine just waiting here for all of this to be over.

 

the problem is i'm too much set into the western way of thinking and i still don't know enough about how the law works in india and how the culture/society influences people's lives. also, i've heard enough stories to be afraid to go to india as a white european female (even though it would be delhi, so not so bad). still, i would wanna go. 

 

the question is: what if i come and then she/her family gets proof that we are in a relationship? in european law, if the affair happend as a result of breakdown of marital relations, the spouse can't be blamed. but i get the feeling that indian laws might have a different outlook on things. yet, we would want to be together and live our lives as normally as possible. 

 

is it then wise for me to come then? reason tells me "no", but hearts is screaming "yes". 

 

also, she wouldn't let him see the child now. and he would want to have a full custody after the divorce. 

 

what can we realistically hope for in all of this? and what to prepare for? any tips on how to survive it? what would be wise to do and what better not to do?



Learning

 13 Replies

fighting back (exec)     27 July 2014

@littleone............you say you are in a relationship, but have you legally married him in your country? or is this just  a live-in kind of relationship?  when a man asks for divorce in india, it almost always happens the opposite in india. filing 498 and domestic voilence cases in india is a very common thing, the lawyers, the women and their relatives all become greedy to get their pound of flesh from the husband, so it is natural for his wife to oppose his divorce plea.  now that she knows that he is earning abroad, so she will definitley ask for huge money. 

coming to your point, you say you are in a relationship in european law? does it mean you have got married there? you are safe to come to india, because his previous wife cannot accuse you just because you are seen around with him, that does not establish proof of adultery, but yes, he might have a headache if his wife discovers his relations with him on social media sites. where you might have updated your status and your marriage photographs. so merely coming to india and travelling with him will not cause any problem, but will definitely arouse suspicion, tell him to get rid of his wife by offering a reasonable sum of money. since she has not yet filed any cases. in the mediation course with the police, offer her a decent money so that she walks away, letting you live peacefully, a broken marriage is of no use, convince her through the mediators

you have to control your emotions, because living practically, and not emotionally makes good sense. you two can even stay together, as long as your relationship is not  discovered by his wife.............:)

1 Like

Advocate Kappil Cchandna (Expert Bail & Criminal Defence Lawyer at Delhi Supreme Court of India)     27 July 2014

Dear, You can come to India, but try staying at some place far from where the man lives, yes there may chances when his wife could file a case of her husband having bigamous relationship with you which in itself is cruelty on the wife and ground of divorce as well. But, if she never comes to know about you while you are in India, then its not a problem for you. Another thing is make sure when u come back to India, while you remain in touch with the men, phone records, emails and other conversation becomes,electronic evidence and can be used, so be carefull. Advocate kapil chandna 9899011450

Happily Divorced (TL)     27 July 2014

Indian culture is different. Its his mistake that he was not a man enough to convey his feelings to his legally wedded wife and trying to evade by not adequately compensating his wife.

 

If he was really fed up with his wife then he would have opted to file for divorce and then had a relationship with you. In India, its difficut for a woman to get married again especially when they had an offspring.

 

Deal with the woman patiently and compensate her adequately.

 

Yeah, I know you dont give a damn but be careful with emotional blackmailers and story tellers.

littleone555 (na)     27 July 2014

@fighting back - we are not married, only engaged. in my country it would be considered a bigamy if he got married again without getting a divorce in india first. we were very careful not to leave any electronic evidence over the internet, there is nothing that she can use on our social media profiles or email accounts that would prove we have relationship.
 
i'm just afraid that if i come to india and even if we are very careful, she will eventually find out. people always eventually find out about things like that. and also i wouldn't wanna keep my life a secret for several years (or as long as this thing might get to settle). so i was wondering if there would be legal consequences.
 
unfortunately we are going nowhere with negotiating the terms of parting at this point. on monday they are meeting at the police station again. wife asks for house, car and money and the inspector leading the case told my boyfriend to think of a way how he's gonna pay the wife. he won't, cause he can't. he doesn't have that kind of mony. he is not earning in europe now, he moved back to india/delhi and works there right now, locally (and even in europe he wasn't earning enough). so we are assuming she will register the FIR. he already petitioned for the anticipatory bail.

littleone555 (na)     28 July 2014

@Kapil Chandna - but then it would be bigamy only if he married me while being married to her, wouldn't it? or not? how does the situation change once the 498a machine is set in motion? i mean, wives don't do such things it if they want to stay with the husband, which means that the marriage is not functioning as it should - can the spouses be in different relationships then? would it still be considered adultry?

 

@Maanas - i think that the problem here is they might have very different definitions of "adequet compensation", my boyfriend and his wife. he is ok to pay the alimony monthly or so, but what she asks is just extortion. especially considering that she is earning as well and is able to support herself. 

fighting back (exec)     28 July 2014

@littleone........dont worry, if you have taken enough precautions. you are just getting over cautious here. but as maanas has advised you. you have to be careful from emotional blackmailers and story tellers. so you need to be cautious with the person whom you plan to get married. as you are trusting on all that he has told you, and whatever one hears and listens is not necessarily true. obviously you have not verified the facts yourself. so. you need to be doublly sure that you dont get cheated by the person who is having a relationship with you. 

littleone555 (na)     28 July 2014

thank you for the concern. but i knew about the situation all along, i know a bit more than what he has been telling me, we are skyping every day and he has never given me a reason to doubt him. so i worry more about the wife and that hanging dowry harrasment case, not that his intentions might not be sincere. 

fighting back (exec)     28 July 2014

if you are confident about him, then no need to worry, as you already know what precautions to take. since bigamy is an offence in india and your country too. so legal marriage is out of the question, however you can get married in a temple or having only a religious ceremony. as long as both people are happy, importance of marriage on paper is secondary. happiness with each other is more important.............

littleone555 (na)     28 July 2014

we can wait with getting married. that's not a problem. we don't wanna rush on that one. but we would like to at least live together again, that's for sure. 

 

i thinkg my biggest concern is that i don't want to make things any worse than they already are. if i go to delhi and the wife finds out, it might aggravate the situation, and make the wife even more angry than she already is.

 

i can't imagine that we would stay apart for 2-5 years while waiting for the divorce to be finalized. so i'm trying to figure out how far can we go (staying in one city, moving in together again etc.) that would allow us be close, but would not harm the current marriage disolvment proceedings.


(Guest)

@author,

 

When you have fallen in love then why to afraid...

 

 

1. After reading his post and as per my conscience the author of this post is husband and not the gf.

 

2. Dear husband how could your european gf will live in india for 2-3 years , if yes then on which ground? I have heard about work permit visa but in your case I don't think this will sustain.

 

3. If your gf Is white european girl then in india it will be not an easy task to avoid such relationship. 

Reasoning: In india foreigners are seen like aliens, every eye's do xray's of such girls. So, how you will protect your relationship. Don't you think you will land up in an unusual condition where ever you go.

 

4. Don't produce any child from this relationship till you won't get divorce as no need to do Dna test, your child will be easily recognised due to mixture of european and Indian breed.

 

5. Before landing your gf in india think about the situations which are adverse to her. Like fooding, clothing, culture, friends, language etc. 

Don't you think till your divorce she will become either Indian or nut?

 

6. Iam not depressing you but showing the unusual Ness about your ahead conditions.

 

7. Thats why I said jab pyarr kiya toh darna kya...

 

Best of luck))

ESIS

littleone555 (na)     28 July 2014

well, in the end it doesn't matter if it's me writing or my boyfriend. but it's me.

 

i was thinking that i could get a job in IT, something similar to what i'm doing right now. is it diffcult to get a work permit/visa in india?

 

we are not planning to have children any time soon, so no need to worry about that. but no doubt it would be difficult for me to blend in with my skin colour, you're definitely right on that one :-/

T. Kalaiselvan, Advocate (Advocate)     29 July 2014

The live in relationship with a person whose marriage subsists will be termed as adultery and punishable under law.  Your position you explained, but you can prevail upon him to negotiate the terms with his wife so that they arrive at a decision to divorce each other mutually which shall happen with in a short period of 6 months duration.  Try this method. Prevention is better than cure.

littleone555 (na)     30 July 2014

@T. Kalaiselvan - yes, that's what i was thinking all along, that it can't be a good idea to live together before he gets the divorce. the good news is - it seems like they came to some sort of agreement with the wife. she is satisfied to get 15 lakhs and go for the mutual consent divorce. let's just pray she doesn't change her mind


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