I don't want divorce

Dear Asha,

Dont know what to say but this is a pathetic situation and i am also suffiering the same. My husband is asking for divorce and all this started after the birth of my daughter. Though i havent filed any case yet but he is asking for mutual consent divorce. and also making false allegations on my mom dad and sister that we are mentally harssing him.

i still want to live with him but.............. (actually there are no words to write...only pain whichis very difficult to explain).

But this is a good place where you will meet good lawyers and they mught be able to shed some light on your problem.

My best wishes with you.

Regards,

SSB

@ Asha,

Its an unfortunate situation I understand. Legally speaking you can file an RCR. In RCR both of you shall be called for conciliation and see if the matter can be patched up. Also try through some friends and relatives to talk with him and resolve the situation. But if your husband is hell bent upon seperation then,  one thing i would like to clarify that if your husband is not willing to cohabit with you, you can never compel him through court of law. In such a case it would be sensible to adopt a practical approach, secure some maintainance for yourself and your daughter and free him by MCD and start your life afresh.

@ Asha,

RCR is no use in your case.  your husband does not have any valid ground to get divorce and hence is trying to collect evidence against you to get divorce decree, in case you are not interested in Mutual consent divorce.  Now you have been left out with a 5 year old child and you cannot go for remarriage so easily.  He can easily get a bride for his second marriage.  And for that purpose, he wants divorce.  He is a very matured adult who can understand what is right and what is wrong.  He is playing this game intentionally, what his parents are asking him to play and actually what he wants to play.  But in blind love, you do not want to accept this bitter truth and love to believe that he loves you but due to his mother's intervention, he is not cohabiting with you. 

Any how, you want an opportunity to have free talk with your husband to cohabit again.  RCR is not the proper way to do so, as if RCR decree is granted in your favour and if he does not comply, one year after passing of RCR decree he can apply and get divorce on the ground that RCR decree is not complied.  So, to meet your husband in mediation, I suggest you to file Section 125 Cr.P.C. case and once he appears, you ask the judge for mediation.  Let us hope for positive result in such mediation. 

Mother is part of your husband and keeping this much enmity with her will spoil the future of your lovely daughter. Try to adjust the odds in family and request them to take you back. you cannot survive with only money and without your husband. Its a bitter truth. you can win cases but not the hearts of family members. Do you think about the carrier and future prospects of your daughter. 

Please dont go to court or police further. They had never helped any family and Rarely they have saved the marriage.

@cm,

i am wondering or have wondered one thing all along...

Mother in law is the evil and daughter in law is the sati savitri. This kind of attitude has to stop because these above women will become mother in law one day and I hope they are sucked into same situations. A man who gets married but has a mother or a sister in his life - everything will be blamed on the poor MIL or SIL.

Why cant these women get married into families with no father or mother or sister? I really fell sad about the mentality with which these people enter into a family. They want to compete with the MIL or SIL as they want the husband to themselves. the  husband should forget about his mother or sister.

Maybe there should be some legal way wherein when these women get married they should be able to legally kill the MIL or SIL.  very sad state of affairs

You have to answer these questions yourself:

1.  If I file cases against him for mediation to create an opportunity to talk, will that mediation succeed?  If he has intention to hear will he not talk to me directly?

2.  If he is not willing to talk to you, but you are willing to talk to him, it means you need him more than he needs you now.  So at this stage, i.e., after marriage and having a daughter and a divorce proceeding against you are you willing to accept him with same level of affection as you accepted him before marriage?  I don't think you are at a stage where you can write love letters to him to please him to come back to you.  Your Ego might be hurt somewhere, with his behavior and sure you would not be as humble and wanting his need as otherwise when you prepared to marry him happily.

3.  The theory that the fruits that we cannot pluck are sour : You should convince yourself that he is a bad person at one stage or the other.  He decided that you are a bad person and convinced himself about it.  YOu cannot win hearts with court cases.  You should win hearts with humility, sacrifice and perseverance.  You should create the feeling of love and affection in him with your conduct and dedication towards him, and make him feel sorry for you.  But when you do all this, you should confirm that he is worthy of all this sacrifice from your side. 

4. Court cases hurt people whether it is filed from the side of husband or wife.  People feel, "My honor is being dragged into streets" and feel bad about it, as these are family matters.  Second, they get the feeling, "She is trying to dominate me by showing that she can take me to task if necessary".  So if you want to win that person through sacrifice and perseverance, you should be clear that A. He is worthy of that sacrifice B. And so, you are not prepared to initiate legal action, come what may forever. 

5.  If he decided that you are evil person and doing everything behind you like a villain, and you sit like Sati Savitri praying god that some day, he will come back to you it is of no use.  That is why decide he is bad person, convince yourself.  Or decide, he is good person worthy of sacrifice mentioned above.  If you waver between these questions without knowing right answer, you will not get anywhere by any of the steps you initiate to correct your marriage.

6.  How do you know what action you should take?  Study your feelings deeply in silence.  Do not think "what should I do now or how should I feel now".  Think what I feel like doing now in respect of him.  In every relationship the soul of one in another is manifested.  If you are feeling good about him sometimes, it is because he is feeling sorry about you there.  If you are feeling bad about him, it is because he is feeling bad about you there.  If you are feeling angry about him at certain point of time, it is because he is feeling angry about you there. Based on this, read what he wants to do with you. Sometimes it is possible as I said, that even an incorrigible person can be moved by our sacrifice, and feel good about us.  Make him feel good about you, and when he feels good about you you also feel good about him.  That is toughest way to reconciliation in marriage.  Or wait for him to feel good on his own about you.  But remember if he does not feel good about you, you will not feel good about him at your end.  That is why I said, "read your feelings deeply" to know what to do with him.  Many forum members may not accept this theory of feelings and Extra Sensory Perception, but I believe it is there. 

Don't apply for any maintenance, and wait for his next move.  You know, as he is not in talking terms with you, his move will be legal move only.  To move that he should feel enough reason within to convince himself that you are an evil person.  If you prove otherwise, his conscience will not allow him to do what he wants.  He will do it all half-heartedly and he cannot even face the judge properly. 

It is very simple.  Imagine Judge asking the following questions to him:

Judge :  Did she file S.498A against you after marriage?

Your husband : No.

Judge :  Did she ask you to give back Streedhan, Dowry etc by filing cases against you under IPC, DV Act etc.?

Your husband : No.

Judge : Did she even ask for maintenance from you?  It is because you have applied for Divorce, as part of that, she asked for Interim maintenance, otherwise, she did not even asked for maintenance?  Did she?

Your husband:  No.

Judge :  Your divorce is dismissed on your own fault.  On what ground you want to apply for divorce again? 

Your husband will not have any answer for it.   Don't apply for RCR but when your husband files for divorce, just say to judge, I don't want to file RCR but if he is willing to accept me, I am prepared to go to matrimonial home now itself, tell him to take me to his house.  Put other facts relating to your marriage correctly before court in your written statement that you have not deserted him, it is because he went to US, you could not cohabit with him and he did not make any attempt to take you to US.

If he made any attempts, he will show passport, visa etc.  If he does not show, his case gets further weakened. 

But when you do all this, you will throw him into such a situation that, he will be in a soup.  He will neither know how to get divorce from you to get remarried nor know how to accept you again because of how hurt-ego problems.  Don't enjoy his trauma (of non-resolution of issues with you forcing his life to remain in precarious situation), inwardly.  That will propel his animal instincts to think bad about you if you do so.  It is all in the way we feel.   Throw him into such a situation that he should neither have a reason to feel bad about you, because you have assumed moral high ground by not filing S.498a and other cases.  At the same time, he should not feel confident about himself doing all that against you, like filing divorce and all. 

If you make him feel that, he is not right in filing divorce against a good person, you have won more than half of mind game with him.  Society is witness to it.  Yes.  Even good people can have a right to play the game if needed!  Not because they have tendency to initiate a play to prove their superiority, but because they are forced to play and defend themselves.

Suppose you face that situation in court I mentioned above and he goes back home unsuccessfully, you know what his mother will say?  She will beat her chest with both palms of her hand and say : "Hummaa....hummaa .... hummmaaa!  What a Kantri...?  What a Khilaadi?  Knowing fully well that entire society will call you bad, and call her a good girl, she remained without filing cases against you.  I know from beginning itself, she is born just to harrass you and to take revenge with you and she is born for that purpose and will live for that purpose only.... that is why she has done all this.  I had never seen Khilaadi like this woman.  If people don't like they will leave husband go for other marriage, but this girl, neither she will live happy, nor allow you to live happy...just born to harrass you...!!". 

In other words, if you file cases, you are bad because you filed cases.  If you don't file cases, then also you are bad, because there is some "ulterior motive" in doing so.

She does not want money related to maintenance, she does not want divorce, she does not want permanent alimony, she does not want to punish husband under S.498A or other criminal provisions, what is the motive in her living like this?  Thought provoking life if you lead good people will realize.  Bad people will see that way of life also as some kind of conspiracy or make an allegation that she is living to assume high moral ground.  Yes even that can be an allegation.  Or mean people will say, "She is born only to harrass you that is why she is doing like this, foregoing even the pleasures and interests of her life". 

To see "good" as "good" also one needs "character"!

Too many assumptions as always in the story! It is one version given by one party. Law sees both sides.

however one can surmise what options she has legall and non legal:

1) ask elders to mediate.and correct underlying issues. The fight that the author mentions might not have been trivial. The behavior of husband and inlaws may be the result that they are extremely hurt by author and her family. The author herself says he was a loving and caring husband in the beginning. 

2) you have already received orders for interim maintenance. 

3) of course there is the usual false cases- 498a,dv, etc etc

4) I do not think he can 'easily' marry again. Neither does it rule out that you could. No one can predict.

bottomline there may be reasons - good and legitimate reasons why they want the marriage to end. All this is due to lack of virtue in the family and society in general.

Your child is 5years. Why do you need his money?can you not work?can you not make your own living? Especially,since, you yourself say he is back from abroad due to I'll health. What measures have you taken to support him? Things are not as straight forward.

And you want purely the legal advise.  Then I suggest you to go through the following.

Never listen to what Advocates suggest because whatever they do they do in their business interest .... I add the word..."generally" to avoid causing hurt to genuine ones.  You don't allow them to decide on your behalf, you decide what you want and tell the Advocate this is what I want.  Otherwise, they will decide on your behalf, "this is what you want now" and he will spoil the relationship if there is any possibility of reconciliation.  Some of them work for their “business” interests, the more cases they have in hand the more money they can earn. Remember they always look to spoil relationship between husband and wife if you go for legal advise, because they get some cases to work with. Most of the marital relationships, which may otherwise have the possibility of reconciliation get spoiled by Advocates because parties unknowingly give them sweeping powers to decide on their behalf.  That over-dependence is exploited by them and they decide, "this is what you need to do now".  It is always better keeping the options in view the party decides what he/she wants rather than Advocate deciding on party's behalf.

These are all the options for you or for that matter for any woman whose marital life is at cross roads and comes to seeking legal opinion when marital relationship is not working.  Depending on what you choose Advocate decides about the legal proceedings to be initiated. It is always better you choose what you want gaining some knowledge about marital laws than giving entire authority to do whatever he wants in your case.

I want to remain his wife and be part of his house :  Then file RCR petition or Residence orders under DV Act.  You have to file for Sec.17 and 19 of DV Act for residence orders in which the court gives orders in favor of you to enjoy a right to reside in your husband’s household where you last resided with him.  If necessary court orders restraining the respondent or any of his relatives from entering any portion of the shared household in which the aggrieved person resides.  Taking Residence orders under DV Act is better option than RCR because in some cases when you take RCR and if husband does not honor it, even if he is wrong in not honoring the court gives decree of divorce if he applies after one year of issue of RCR decree.

I want justice, I am angry about their behavior they have physically and mentally harassed me :  Then file 498A or S.3 of DV Act.  But then you have to remember once the legal proceedings begin, there is no way marriage is going to work for you.  So before initiating legal action, you should be clear that you lost your husband and be mentally prepared for it.

I want only maintenance    :   Then file for maintenance under S.125 Cr.PC. or under Sec.20 of DV Act.  If any divorce proceedings or RCR proceedings are taking place under Hindu Marriage Act, you can file for Interim Maintenance under Sec.24 of HMA. And you can also file for permanent alimony under Section 25 of HMA it will be granted by court at the time of granting decree of divorce.  If you receive permanent alimony, you will not be eligible for maintenance under S.125 Cr.PC., but any maintenance you are eligible under DV Act as per law is “in addition to”  maintenance received under other legislations.  So it is possible that the order relating to maintenance in DV Act is not affected by the fact that you are given maintenance under S.125 Cr.PC or S.24 of HMA. However if an order under DV Act is already passed, then such order may affect the order relating to permanent alimony under Sec.25 of HMA or pendent lite maintenance under S.24 of HMA or S.125 Cr.PC.

I want divorce :  Then file for contested divorce under Section 13(1) or (2) of HMA or if he is ready for mutual consent, go for mutual consent divorce under Sec.13(B) of HMA. You can file for both Divorce and Maintenance together.  You are eligible for maintenance till you get remarried or till you die or till you indulge in s*xual relationship with some other man which your husband will bring to the notice of court, and that will make you ineligible for maintenance.

I want divorce along with recovery of dowry amounts and streedhan :  Then file for recovery of Streedhan under Sec.406 IPC along with Sec.357 Cr.PC. and also compensation under Sec.22 of DV Act along with Divorce petition with Section that is applicable for your case. Streedhan can also be recovered under DV Act, applying Section 3(a) with Section 19(8) of Domestic violence Act.  As giving dowry is prohibited you cannot directly admit before court, you have given dowry I want to recover it.  There is no provision in any law to recover dowry amounts.  So generally dowry amounts are recovered through settlements reached via filing criminal cases and mediation done to bring all cases to conclusion by accepting for MCD. General legal practice of recovery of dowry is, file criminal cases, pressurize the husband’s side by doing so, force them to come to negotiate for MCD and there demand settlement amount that commensurate the dowry. When the husband and wife report to HC which hears Quash proceedings that settlement is reached between husband and wife, HC quashes all proceedings related to husband and wife in all courts.

I want only mediation, they shall be forced to come on to table for discussion:  Then if you go to file 498a, before filing FIR police will arrange for mediation.  But remember if the intention is to re-unite never use this option.  Nobody having discussed family matters in the presence of police will accept a DIL or wife, that too when DIL or wife forces them to come and mediate.  CAW (Crime against women) cell will also arrange for mediation but that is as good as police mediation because there also you have police to mediate. So the better option for mediation is file for maintenance under Sec.125 of Cr.PC. here the Family court will arrange for mediation if you want.  If it is filed in Magistrate court because of lack of availability of Family court, it is not possible. This will not involve police, and you will save your husband and his family members from feelings of insult and agony arising from the way police deal with them. Mediation is also possible under Sec.23(2) and (3) of HMA but to avail this a case should have been filed for either RCR or Divorce by the party.

For the purpose of aiding the court in bringing about such reconciliation, the court may, if the parties so desire or if the court thinks it just and proper so to do, adjourn the proceedings for a reasonable period not exceeding fifteen days and refer the matter to any person named by the parties in this behalf or to any person nominated by the court if the parties fail to name any person, with directions to report to the court as to whether reconciliation can be and has been, effected and the court shall in disposing of the proceeding have due regard to the report.

 In other words, here the person mediating can be a party suggested by the husband and wife or any person nominated by the court (if the parties fail to name any person). This is much better option for reconciliation through mediation than police mediation via filing criminal cases or counseling under DV Act.

Thank you Adv. Archana - I did not file RCR because few advocates told me that it can serve as grounds for divorce in later stage.

Thank you Adv. Chandu -  I have made several attempts to talk to him. I have sent my brothers and elder relatives to talk to him. The fact is, he refuses to meet anyone in person. One of our mutual friend also attempted to talk but he refused bluntly on not to interfere in the matter. I also know the fact that as you also have told it rightly, he knows that he is on the wrong side and wants to go by it because he wants a second marriage or bcoz of ego or bcoz he doesn't want to fail his mother..

He did love me before, thats the reason I don't want to let him go. I feel that if we start to talk and meet/live for sometime, he may change his mind atleast for our daughter sake. He loves kids. If I attempt to corner him, that might rekindle the love/life.I want to break his ego.

Thank you very much to Adv. Chandrasekhar -

Sir, you have very rightly said that -

"if you file cases you are bad because you filed cases. If you don't file cases, then also you are bad, because there is some "ulterior motive" in doing so". 

So, either way I am going to be a bad person. I better do something and be a bad person rather than doing nothing. Atleast, I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

As said in the previous reply, he knows that he is on the wrong side and wants to go by it because he wants a second marriage or bcoz of ego or bcoz he doesn't want to fail his mother..

He did love me before, thats the reason I don't want to let him go. I feel that if we start to talk and meet/live for sometime, he may change his mind atleast for our daughter sake. He loves kids. If I attempt to corner him, that might rekindle the love/life. I want to break his ego and accept that he has made a mistake. Until, I corner him, he is not gonna shed his ego, once he sheds his ego, he might accept me.

 I hope this is not vanity and ego talking on your part!

@bhima balla - If it was vanity and ego, I would'nt have tried to talk with him this hard and end up hearing all filthy words from his end. Even after all this I wished him for his bday last week.

To be rightly said I am not in a state of vanity and ego, I am desparate to get my husband back through the court, bcoz that is the only option left with me after 5 years of waiting.

Madam, no court can 'give' your husband back! The art of keeping a husband has been lost in Indian women these days unfortunately.

From your brief story there are few things which may indicate that there could be other side to the story. Today too many women have cried wolf and have lost credibility. Blame this on misuse by women of laws done to protect them and the law and the system for making husband and inlaws skeptical.Trust in these days is a difficult to get commodity. If lost, it is very rare to find.

Good luck, all the best.

BTW have you started working and voluntarily stopped receiving maintenance, yet? Have you yet started supporting your 'sick' husband monetarily?