Need experts advice on this custom of inlaws domination

you said the solution 

THE SOLUTION TO THIS:

when people get their sons married,they shud let both of them live separately for a few years minus any interference from their side.

let them grow together and develop a good bond.once they are well connected and adjusted fully with each other,they can return to live with inlaws,if reqd

"But here both of them live separately for a few years  and thereafter  they adjusted fully with each other,they can return to live with inlaws"

But this is not true many of them are separated and their  i..e,wife cannot return to live with inlaws,just making quarrel to live separately.yes,their are few exceptions.

I saw many cases in which wife comes to court only for living separately and husband denied for that whether husband emotional and loved to their parents  or the financial  problem.In a case one wife lodged DV complain and she demand her husband to live separately and husband cannot afford the new premises i.e house.so,many problems are arises many of them takes a loan for building a house and the burden to pay the installments etc.

I know you understand but many after living separately they cannot return to live with inlaws---this is the fact --yes,their are few exceptions.

wife went to court to demand separate house since she must be tortured by inlaws,minus husband's support...dats wot i also  said.

i know some women after living separately wont like to return to inlaws.but some might return also when requested by their husbands,since they both have developed a v.good understanding and so will do anyth. for husband's interest.happiness.

there are more chances of women gelling perfectly with inlaws after living separately,than if they were forced to adjust with them immediately after marriage,even if inlaws' behaviors are offensive

my basic idea is that women must adjust with people step by step instead of expecting her to adjust with so many strangers after marriage simultaneously.

so 1st step is gelling with hubby...once that happens,everyth. falls in place.

Human relations are complex. It is not so simple as Roshni has projected. 

Even while one is living separately, relationship goes sour. The marriage institution is a very funny one. Girls are chucked out of their homes even while they are finding their feet to become economically independent, then most leave their jobs because husband and his family needs a Pucca House wife. Now imagine how many opportunities the educated, able bodied women have lost!

The solutions are not so easy!!! The solutions have to start from the parental homes of the girl since her childhood. She should be made aware that at no cost she would give up her career, yes at no cost! Child care responsibilities to be shared by both, nothing should put obstacle to her economic independence as much as nothing puts obstacles to a husband's career--child care and household chores. She should have enough mobility, it should not be restricted...today's high income jobs involve lot of travelling...state should ensure safe states for her to travel alone.

These are ways of level playing field....with this only situation would change....legal literacy for both women and men, similar work conditions for both women and men at home and outside....

Then Streedhan of the girl would remain secure...respect for her would enhance, she would be firm yet cooperative because she would not be insecure...this may not be a perfect solution but it would be one of the solutions all the same. So let the change start from the parental homes of a girl child. 

@hedevil hydraheaded

i am talking of how to bring partners closer,while u r talking of economic independence.i know of men who'll misbehave more with wife when parents are around,but when the 2 are alone,they are nice 2 each other.

i dint say couple living separately have no problems.but its also true that couple with parents have other major issues as listed earlier.

the remedy that i gave is practical,based on human psychology that a person grows emotionally and matures faster when he's independent whereas when he's asked to please this person and that person and then another person he loses himself.

a newly married couple cant find place to romance,understand each other etc when parents are around or when kitchen politics happen..dats why a breathing space is necessary in initial years.

many women are working nowadays and living wid inlaws...just coz they are working have their inlaws or husband stopped troubling them?

Everything is interrelated. 

A girl with confidence and sense of security will deal with troubles at home in a way that keeps her dignity intact. 

That working women are being troubled can't be denied but go to the root cause why even when a woman is economically secured have to tolerate nonsense? Because she herself is grown up in an environment dictated by patriarchy. 

I do not think living separate is panacea for a peaceful life, though if a couple choose to live separate, it falls well within their rights and it should be facilitated by all concerned.  However,   In our existing set up the average boy would always keep this in his heart that his wife became a cause for his separation from his parents, especially if he is a single child.  Sometimes parents in law become good mediator to resolve conflicts between husband and wife, and it is not impossible to find a friendly mom in law and well adjusted couples. 

While in a family OR in amariage, when each one tries to live upon the other (I compare this as no less than a parasite) then the trouble begins.

A wife thinks, that she has to secure her future and so she has to first secure her husband and her in laws property.  Similarly, a husband thinks.  The same are the ways each of the in-laws/parents think.  They all have (1) thier present security (2) their future security (3) If they are secure now, then their perceived future security in MIND and see a marraiage as a profit or a loss.  This is true for both girls parents as well as boy's parents. Let us not hide behind the weaker/ stronger theologies.  If one is weak in something, they are strong in something else. That is how go as created man and woman.

Each one thinks that one or more of the above is under threat.  As long as this thinking goes, our marraige institutions cannot sustain in the present conditions. 

It is important that each one should understand that we GO empty anded from here. We just take the love of the people arond us.  This may sound philosiphical. But this is the true fact.

The young couples should first cultivate the a bit of giving. You gain a lot by giving a bit of love to our elders. And believe all these fears exist only where there is scarcity (of money, love, property, hapiness etc) hese situations do not happen much )or is insignificant in families where these scarcity are not there. 

While we may think, "I am an individual and my problems are big for me", a society, a nation is a collecion of several individuals.  Can't we understand and make a difference?

In all we have brought games into our relationships to the exten that families are no longer happy. Cheap politics are being played in homes involving fragile minds.

While in a family OR in amariage, when each one tries to live upon the other (I compare this as no less than a parasite) then the trouble begins.

A wife thinks, that she has to secure her future and so she has to first secure her husband and her in laws property.  Similarly, a husband thinks.  The same are the ways each of the in-laws/parents think.  They all have (1) thier present security (2) their future security (3) If they are secure now, then their perceived future security in MIND and see a marriage as a profit or a loss.  This is true for both girl's parents as well as boy's parents. Let us not hide behind the weaker/ stronger theologies.  If one is weak in something, they are strong in something else. That is how god has created man and woman.

Each one thinks that one or more of the above is under threat.  As long as this thinking goes, our marraige institutions cannot sustain in the present conditions.

It is important that each one should understand that we GO empty handed from here. We just take the love of the people around us.  This may sound philosiphical. But this is the true fact.

The young couples should first cultivate the habit of giving. You gain a lot by giving a bit of love to our elders.  And believe all these fears exist only where there is scarcity (of money, love, property, hapiness etc). These situations do not happen much ) or is insignificant in families where these scarcity are not there.

While we may think, "I am an individual and my problems are big for me", a society, a nation is a collecion of several individuals.  Can't we understand and make a difference?

In all we have brought games into our relationships to the extent that families are no longer happy. Cheap politics are being played in homes involving fragile minds.

 If one sees that one cant live happy and let others live happily, then it is better that all decide that the mariage should not happen.  One should understand for a good man to earn handsomely to the satisfaction of is wife and his family (icluding dependent parents) and move up in his carrer he should have peace of mind, most importantly.  Lest he will behave like an alien creature when he goes out and several times causes sever damages to his existence. Similarly this could be the case of a working girl also. All stake holders in a mariage should think positively. If our elders are petty minded, we have to slowly make them look at these.  There are no quick fix solutions in life as a fragile heart once broken can never be ut back.

Well said, SS ji. Read it with interest. Agree with you. 

Much appreciated, SS. Thanks for this posting. 

Thanks,

A nice surprise for me. I was expecting one more rebuke from our friend B. Rohini that her thread is being stretched and pulled apart to unknown dimensions.  It is imperative to understand that in a family all are dependent on each other while at the same time independent too.

Now the solution is to talk and the friend may succeed after a few attempts. But still let her and her husband talk to her in-laws. 

There is an impact study in psychology. That any person has SIX "no" with him/her.  If you believe in what you say is right the other cannot hold on until after the six "NO'.  Evertime one refuses the same request, the determination continues to erode. Finally he/she has to yield and give a "YES" as an answer.  Persistence is the key if you are on the right.

I Agree with Renuka Gupta, These issues are very sensitive and has a thin line to control. 

Whatever you do ego clashes will be there , unless all adjust by give and take no solution.