AmarKumar 29 August 2018

Suggestion !! to save my married life

Dear Experts,

I really need your help please suggest me to save my married life. I will not take much time of you and try to express the problem in short.

We got married on 21st august 2008,it was a love inter-caste marriage done at arya samaj at secundrabad against the parents wish and we have a 5 years old daughter and we recently completed 10 years of anniversary. We lived in gurgaon after the marriage things were going good,but after six months i was sick and i was infected with Tuberculosis so we came back to my parents in Hyderabad for the treatment meanwhile some arguments and misunderstanding between both my mother and my wife, one day when i was admitted in hospital she throw the magalsutram on my face and went away to her home ,leaving me in that condition, after some days past my treatment was going ,she started phone calling me asking me to take her back to Gurgaon as her brother is not allowing her to stay with them, for this she even stayed in hostel, A year later my health was settled and went back to resume my work at Gurgaon and after few months i was informed about my spouse father’s death because of heart attack. During that time i felt responsible and supported my wife taken back again to Gurgaon and again things were going good a happy married life.

After 11/2 year my spouse brother got study visa to Canada and moved there, meanwhile my pregnant wife convinced me emotionally to get her mother to Gurgaon along with her pet dog to stay with us as she will take care in pregnancy period.My biggest mistake was this allowing her mother to interfere in my happy married life. She slowly started helping my wife in cooking, and gradually conquered my whole house, with this effect i lost my freedom space in my house, many times i felt humiliated and was calm seeing my daughter’s face and with this situations i was unable to show my 100% love towards my wife and gradually indirectly polluting my wife’s mindset that i am not the correct husband and many other things. After few months after my wife’s delivery we went to drop her back to her native where my wife’s grandmother stays. During the stay grandmother expired because of heart attack .This time my wife showed me the message for her brother to take care of her mother and later he will take back her to Canada. But this time again i was totally fooled by emotional blackmail by all. Again i supported her family and we all went back to Gurgaon and same all the things repeated but this time it was extreme my wife even started hitting me many times and the person who encourage this stays calm never ever tried to stop her daughter in spite of being an elder person at home, she almost stayed with us for 4&1/2years brining all her bad luck to my home losing her husband and mother, with this effect I almost suffered a lot in financially, personally and professionally.

Last year in feb-2017 there was a huge layoff in my company because of heavy losses, I was one among them, being jobless and with all these circumstances got depressed almost 41/2 months & become seriously sick later in July after some medical diagnosis, doctors told that I was infected again with Tuberculosis, knowing my condition my parents helped me financially to clear all my debts which i used during my jobless period and called us back to Hyderabad to get treatment. Being a contagious disease thinking of my daughter I suggested to stay separately along with her mother somewhere nearer to my parents home, and myself thinking that it’s her brother’s turn to support my wife and my daughter as myself being bedridden and helpless. Now all the things are going wrong and was trapped in my ill health circumstances. Here is the chance to provoke my wife against me stating that I am not taking responsibility of you and your daughter, influencing her to take her to Canada along with my daughter. As my wife being innocent and helpless thinking future of my daughter in abroad got herself trapped and started arguing with me for all the old reasons and claiming that she doesn’t find any future with me and threatening me of Sec 498A, IPC & DV.After some days after I started recovering with my health so sometimes went to see my daughter and also trying to convince my wife not plan for divorce as it will effect a lot on our daughter and finally one day i received a court notice from my wife for divorce on cruelty act and then i tried more to convinced her trying to agree all her demands but she is stubborn ,and also understands everything what are the problems after divorce, she also says that she wants only divorce nothing for the maintenance except for needs of our daughter, i was trying every possible option to resolve my problem, so started visiting to meet my daughter and my wife almost 3 to 4 days in a week, and started supporting her in all small outdoor house hold minimum basic needs and also joined my daughter in school thinking as my responsibility, even after the court notice, presently i am searching for the job so i am ready to take my family responsibility as soon as i get a job opportunity

Meanwhile court proceedings are going on; the dates were extended twice, but during counselling with judge my version was that i told that i don’t want to fight with my wife nor i want to give divorce, but ready to accept all the demands and rectify my mistake if she gives one chance to me and also explained i was infected with Tuberculosis that is the reason i was forced to be separated with my wife & daughter as it was contagious and my parents were taking care of me and my treatment in a separate rented house for few months and with this effect i could not take care of my wife & daughter, thinking that it’s her mother’s turn to take care with the help of her son who is in canada because during their tough time i supported and allowed her to stay with us almost for 41/2 years as she was alone in India. My wife’s version with the judge was that she wants divorce nothing else because she claimed that i was irresponsible not saved anything financially as she doesn’t find any future with me and moreover she also said about my health that when first time tuberculosis was infected she went back to their home and came back after the cure and after 9 years second time tuberculosis was infected again because of my careless smoking habit she doesn’t want to come back again in my life as she there is no guarantee of my health if the same repeats for the third time, so this time she don’t want to take risk because of my daughter. Hearing both the version of me and my wife the judge only said to me to decide whether to respond to my wife’s petition or accept the divorce and given us the next date.

Even though i did not stop my ways to convince my wife in almost in every possible way and also doing all some basic responsibilities to my daughter, but being stubborn my wife is not even trying to get convinced and moreover she is forcing, blackmailing and threatening me to file for a mutual consent divorce that if i fight or respond to the petition she will file a case against me on Sec 498A, IPC ,maintenance & DV and will not allow me to meet my daughter and will torture my daughter by hitting her and scolding her severly,as she already done this many times in front me taking all the frustration of me on my daughter as she easily loses her temper and out of control she once hold the neck of my daughter tightly and also putting the pillow of my daughter’s face ,when i tried to stop she says that i carried for 9 months and with lot of pain i gave birth so i have every right to do anything with our daughter, Seriously iam really afraid of this angry act on my daughter so used to listen all the words of my wife and tried not to make her angry. But also she is the very good mother when she is not frustrated, she does and fulfils all the wishes of my daughter and take care perfectly, but problem is with her anger management.

Seriously iam very worried about my daughter as i know about my wife she can do anything to my daughter whenever she gets angry and if anything happens against her wish, she definitely take revenge on me through my daughter moreover presently iam not with them to stop or to control her anger.

So please suggest me something what to choose about the action to take about my wife’s petition of divorce whether to accept or respond against the petition, in both the case my daughter will suffer, actually my intention is not to fight against my wife in the court nor accept divorce mutually and for this iam ready to do anything for the sake of my daughter. As my daughter has every right to have both mother and father’s love and affection like other kids.

So please please please help me to save my marriage

Reply Follow

6 Replies

vinay_2431 (engineer) 30 August 2018

Hello Amar,

First i understand that you love your daughter and she your Life. everyone agrees with you.

secondly to take revenge on you ,your wife will trouble your daughter . "YES" if you are around your daughter and she will keep doing this as long as you are reacting ,she is using this to black mail you and bring you down to her knees, so stop being blackmailed emotionally. when you are not around your daughter she is not going to trouble your daughter,so stop worrying about your daughter for time being. and be strong you are a father of a girl so be brave and have a clear mind stop getting emotionally blackmailed,that will not give you anything the more you worry the more your wife wins and she gets her Ego satisfied other than that nothing will happen.

legal options:: let the Experts/lawyers comment on this.

have all the conversations with your wife and motehr in law recorded. nothing will happen to your daughter dont worry.

Rgds,

Vinay.

P. Venu (Advocate) 30 August 2018

The best option is MCD, with the father getting custody of the child.

AmarKumar 22 September 2018

@P.Venu garu

Sir,

Thanks for your reply,

As my wife left me with no option and forced myself with deep pain to agree for MCD for the sake of my daughter & moreover my wife demands no maintenance but monthly expenses for my daughter along with educational, food, medical expenses from me and i never denied and iam happy to do for my daughter and weekly once child visiting.

But i have some doubts before filing joint petition for MCD.

During the court proceedings after filling joint petition, can my wife have a option to file another cases on me something like maintenance, dv, sec498 or any other before the second motion of mcd.If so what are the precautions to be taken and points to be added in joint petition to avoid future cases.
Regarding the child visit, if my wife fails in giving visit after few months or if she relocated to abroad, then what i can do to see my daughter as per law and points to be added in joint petition to avoid this trouble? And can i take back child custody if she marries some other person.
My biggest fear is that myself from lower caste and my daughter upbringing will be at upper caste ie my wife’s family after divorce and so there might be chances of verbal abuses, physical abuses and life threat for my daughter and about social security.So what are legal steps to be taken to avoid this?

Vijay Raj Mahajan (Advocate) 22 September 2018

Divorce by mutual consent is done on the terms and conditions agreeable to both parties. All the issues like filling for criminal cases u/s 498a IPC , Domestic Violence, Maintenance etc. are clearly taken in account and clearly mentioned of not done anytime in futre by the wife.

The child custody an issue that requires both side to have and share it, the wife if allowed to keep the minor child , the husband is allowed visiting the child on fixed days and time or even keep the child with him for the days agreed by both. The question of taking outside India the child is to be worked out. If the wife has to take child ouside India, prior permission of the father/husband and order of the court to be taken without which the child will not be allowed to leave the country. The leaving out of country has to go through Indian Immigration at the internationa airport or sea port and if the court order preventing the leaving of any person holding particular passport number/details exists that person will not be allowed to leave the country. The child custody in case of remarriage by anyone of the party can likewise be worked out.

The caste of the parties should not be an issue as there exists strict laws where anyone abusing another person on the basis of his/her castecan be prosecuted and punished, child abuse on the basis of the lower caste of her father is as serious crime as anyother such crime. The wife side mind not use such actions otherwise can face big problem.

All such issues can be worked out between the parties with help of sensible lawyer/counsellor.

AmarKumar 24 September 2018

@ Vijay Raj Mahajan

Mahajan Sir,

Thanks for your valuable reply

Most of my doubts are cleared,but still i did not get a clarity about some.

The custodial parent may simply refuse to allow visitation ispite of the court order after few months,then i must approach the family court to receive my right.What does the family court do and how much time does it take resolve.Meantime i will miss my child visit.

Yes sir your right its serious crime child abuse in name of lower caste of her father,but my fear is that i will not be beside her after divorce,she will be their with her mother’s family,but if someone somewhere abuses her like daughter of lower caste father...so on and their would be no proof to punish them as per law and moreover my daughter is only 5 years.My doubt is how can i warn their family in a legal to avoid this .

Plz reply

Vijay Raj Mahajan (Advocate) 25 September 2018

Any order of the court disobeyed by the party amounts to contempt of court for which such person can even face jail term. The order for visitation if disobeyed by the wife will be puting her in big trouble and without wasting much time the sensible presiding judge of the Family Court will sentence her jail term on your contempt application.

As far the caste issue, the terms and conditions for divorce by mutual consent can make clear mention of this point, where if the child found being harassed on the basis of the caste of her father, the physical custody will be taken away from the mother and passed to the father and the mother and her family member involved in such caste abuse will be prosecuted. The child of 5 year is very sensible and inform you about what all is being told to her, if there is mention about your lower caste to her, this information will come to you from your child itself.