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Deepthi   03 June 2017

Save my marriage

Hi Team,

With great hope I'm writing this to you. Can someone please help me with my issue. I'm Mrs. D. Deepthi aged 32yrs. I was married in Nov 2016 according to Hindu Rituals. With a lot of hopes and happiness I entered the new family. But by Feb 2017 things changed tremendously. I was discriminated, harassed, abused and beaten. My husband was highly influenced by his mother and her sisters and brother. We were a happy couple if they are not around. It was an arranged marriage through Telugu Matrimony and there wasn't any dowry involved. However the money which was promised to be given to me by my dad was delayed and this made everyone at my matrimonial house angry. And I was always abused and threatened to be left for this reason. Meanwhile my parents interference made things worse.

My husband left me at my cousin's house and never took me back till date. Its been 3.5 months. His family is not bothered to pick our calls n sort things. He hardly used to respond but it was always negative talks. I was initially angry but never want to part from him. I tried going back to him but he dint let me in. I used to travel 1600kms up and down and always returned with disappointment. I begged, cried, and apologised for being angry but I wasn't forgiven and taken back. I feel cheated and thrashed. I really couldn't understand him. If dowry is the main reason then why did he marry me ?? He could have gone for a rich family. Why play with me and my emotions ?? Finally I had to file a case against him and his family members. I had not spoken to any lawyers. Police registered 498a and other cases for escaping from me without a reason. Now he completely switched off his mobile and found nowhere. Police says he might be worried or upset so not to worry they shall handle. Also they said they will arrange a counselling session soon. But I'm unable to trust that too. Coz during these 3.5 months I approached police for counselling and my husband never came to talk and sort out things. Instead he kept postponing the dates n caused a lot of mental stress to me. Meanwhile few others are saying my husband is looking for anticipatory bail n is ready to face the court. All this is over my head.

I'm not used to all these police cases or courts and everything looks weird and I'm highly depressed. I want simple happy married life. The same was written in the FIR too. Today if my Husband is ready to take me back home and can promise me not let anyone talk about dowry or money that was to be given to me, I'm ready to take the case back and live with him. I worked for 7.5 yrs before marriage and resigned for my wedding coz both of us mutually wished. I love to be home maker so did he. I wanna continue to be good home maker n make a happy family.

I'm 32yrs old and my Husband is 33yrs, its the right age to have kids any further delay would lead to a miserable life without a family. I really want to have a child of my own with my husband. At this moment I wish no parting from him, this is in benefit for both of us. I'm worried that he might show the case as reason to divorce me. For which I'm not mentally prepared. We lived just for 2.5 months as a husband and wife, meanwhile all of this is making me weak. How do I communicate to my husband and resolve this issue without any cases ? None of his family members are responding. I'm loosing my health and mental ability to think any further. Please help me go back to my husband.

Thanks,
Deepthi



Learning

 43 Replies

Adv. Vaishali Harish Gore (job)     03 June 2017

if you want to stay at your in law's house along with them then entered the house along with the police ans stay there , which is on your risk.

Deepthi   03 June 2017

Thank you,

I requested the police to help. However they suggest not go there instead stay in a different flat in the same apartments.

Can I force the police to come along to drop me here ? Also What if the door is locked ? Do I have the rights to break the lock ?

Online.498a.DV.Act.Crusader   03 June 2017

Hi Team,

With great hope I'm writing this to you.

Your attitude itself is not proper.  Who are you addressing ?  Are you our boss?  Have you appointed us to be your lawyers?  This attitude itself shows what kind of woman you are.  32 years and you still did not learn how to behave in public?  32 years and you still did not learn how to ask help?

First and foremost you don’t know how to respect people.  That sure has gone against you in more than one ways which you have explained below.

 

Can someone please help me with my issue. I'm Mrs. D. Deepthi aged 32yrs. I was married in Nov 2016 according to Hindu Rituals. With a lot of hopes and happiness I entered the new family.

Who asked you to build hopes?  Could you not go with open mind where you can accept things the way they are?

But by Feb 2017 things changed tremendously. I was discriminated, harassed, abused and beaten.

Did you approach police?  You have not approached police but are trying to build sympathy for yourself in the mind of anyone who reads what you have written.  Isnt it? Yes or no?

 

My husband was highly influenced by his mother and her sisters and brother.

Who is not?  Are you not?  Influence many people will have especially near and dear ones, whats wrong in that?

We were a happy couple if they are not around.

So what did you expect? That his parents should not be around at all?  If it were like that you should have put this condition at the time of marriage.  You should have seeked orphan for marriage, rather than someone who has a full fledged family or at least put condition that I want separate house after marriage.

It was an arranged marriage through Telugu Matrimony and there wasn't any dowry involved.

Telugu people are known to collect huge money which they spent on sons education, how come they did not take dowry?  That is an essential part of Telugu guys marriage ceremony isn’t it?

 

However the money which was promised to be given to me by my dad was delayed and this made everyone at my matrimonial house angry.

Why did your dad promise that he will give money to you? When there was no talk of dowry at all?  You should be madcaps to agree to such arrangement.

And I was always abused (what kind of abuse? You have not explained)

and threatened  (what kind of threat? You have not explained) to be left for this reason.

Meanwhile my parents interference made things worse.

Exactly. Your parents interference is the main problem here.  Could they not shut their pie hole and let you handle things?  If you are papas daughter, you should have stayed with papa.  Why did you even marry and spoil a boys life when you knew you could not handle your husband or his immediate family all by yourself?  You should have waited a bit till you were mature enough to handle a man and his immediate family.  Most marriages get spoilt due to interference from wifes parents.  Ask anyone on this forum, lawyer like me or someone who is been at the receiving end due to interference of girls parents.

 

My husband left me at my cousin's house and never took me back till date. Its been 3.5 months.

You should have gone back, don’t you have money for auto charge or bus ticket?

His family is not bothered to pick our calls n sort things.

These things cant be done over phone, you need to go to secure and secluded place where CCTV cameras are fixed with your entire battalion and discuss with them why not taking back.

 

He hardly used to respond but it was always negative talks. I was initially angry but never want to part from him. I tried going back to him but he dint let me in. I used to travel 1600kms up and down and always returned with disappointment. I begged, cried, and apologised for being angry but I wasn't forgiven and taken back.

So you had money for auto charge also and bus charge also.   That means you have proper and stable income.  See this is what happens when you do things out of anger.  You need to attend Sadhguru classes for controlling anger.

I feel cheated and thrashed.

You get angry, you become a mess and how can you feel cheated dear? What has happened is a result of your own anger.  You have got angry and said what not and all, they got double angry and not letting you in back.  Isn’t it? Yes or no?

 

I really couldn't understand him.

If you are angry and fighting all the time where will you have time to talk and understand a person? Isn’t it? Yes or no. 

You should move peacefully, letting the other person be himself and see the person beyond dowry and expenses, only then you will come to know what a person is.  Parents of any boy would have spent money on education of their son and would want returns in form of dowry.  If you want good boy with good job, you will have to pay money isn’t it?  Better the boy, with better the job, higher the price you will have to pay.  This is what has been going in AP and newly formed telangana region isn’t it?  Giving and taking is part of Hindu culture for a very long time, for thousands of years have been following this culture.  You cannot change this culture.  Girls like you should make it a new custom that we wont give dowry or any kind of gift.  Until that time there is concentrated effort from each and every girl of this country, that they wont give a penny in dowry, this dowry system will continue to be there in our Indian society.  Isn’t it? Yes or no?

 

If dowry is the main reason then why did he marry me ??

Correct.  But why did you not ask this at time of marriage?  Why did you people behave suggestively that your father will give dowry by giving money to you?

You should have simply not agreed to this kind of setup.  You should have found someone like me who does not want dowry at all and wants one person who could manage me and my home.

 

He could have gone for a rich family.

You could have gone for family much more richer than this family who would have crores of rupees isn’t it?  If you had gone for richer family, they would have not asked dowry based on your logic.  They already have plenty of money, who will want to ask money as dowry from poor girls family?  They would have simply conducted marriage in their expenses and would have given money to your father for giving you in marriage like it used to happen in olden days.

Why play with me and my emotions ??

That you have to ask only him dear.  I say, where money is involved, there should not be emotions involved.  Did you ever hear a marwadi or baniya have emotions while he dealt pawn? Or when he lent money?  He will tell go sell your wifes earrings and give me interest.  Is it not?  You were stupid enough to let emotions flutter where money is involved.  When you are giving money and he is taking money, it is contract.  And Indian Contract Act of 1872 applies.  Isn’t  it?

 

Finally I had to file a case against him and his family members.

You screwed up big time.

I had not spoken to any lawyers. Police registered 498a and other cases for escaping from me without a reason. Now he completely switched off his mobile and found nowhere. Police says he might be worried or upset so not to worry they shall handle. Also they said they will arrange a counselling session soon. But I'm unable to trust that too. Coz during these 3.5 months I approached police for counselling and my husband never came to talk and sort out things. Instead he kept postponing the dates n caused a lot of mental stress to me. Meanwhile few others are saying my husband is looking for anticipatory bail n is ready to face the court. All this is over my head. I'm not used to all these police cases or courts and everything looks weird and I'm highly depressed. I want simple happy married life. The same was written in the FIR too. Today if my Husband is ready to take me back home and can promise me not let anyone talk about dowry or money that was to be given to me, I'm ready to take the case back and live with him. I worked for 7.5 yrs before marriage and resigned for my wedding coz both of us mutually wished. I love to be home maker so did he. I wanna continue to be good home maker n make a happy family. I'm 32yrs old and my Husband is 33yrs, its the right age to have kids any further delay would lead to a miserable life without a family. I really want to have a child of my own with my husband. At this moment I wish no parting from him, this is in benefit for both of us. I'm worried that he might show the case as reason to divorce me. For which I'm not mentally prepared. We lived just for 2.5 months as a husband and wife, meanwhile all of this is making me weak. How do I communicate to my husband and resolve this issue without any cases ? None of his family members are responding. I'm loosing my health and mental ability to think any further. Please help me go back to my husband.

 

After filing 498a case what are you doing here?  Your marriage is over the moment you entered police station.  Now file divorce and take divorce decree from court.  The 498a case will run for 1 decade.  If your husband wants to contest divorce, the divorce case will run for 2 decades.  Mutual divorce is best option.  He wont take you back.  I did not take my wife back what will he take you back after filing 498a case?  Even my wife filed similar case though there was no money involved at all.

This third class women like you will never understand what it is to go to police station.  Police station itself is third class place meant for robbers, thieves, dacoits and rapists.  In this place if you go seeking solution for your marriage problem, then you are the biggest fool.  What can police do to unify husband and wife, can they threaten and beat your husband if he does not want to live with you? No. they can do that also, but that will create more gap than before.  You look educated, but you are not in reality.  If you were sensible, you could have reduced all this by the way of talks.  India and Pakistan hate each other, do they mean they go for war.  The great modi and his team criticized congress govt for not going to war with Pakistan, but when modi himself came to power he went to wish Happy Birthday to Nawaz Shariff.  Why you know?  Because talks are the way forward to plaster damaged relationships.  Not gun and law.  In same way, you should have gone with peace talks.  I mean its your life which is at stake here, nobody elses.  Isn’t it.  It is you who wanted to go back, you could have exercised your brain instead of exercising your legal rights.  Now matter is over.

 

Even I am looking for girl who can take care of me and my house, I don’t want single penny as dowry.  I want someone who can bear children who has not entered police station or court with 498a.  I would have even proposed to you, but you don’t fit the bill.  You are a 498a woman.  The future is bleak for you.  Go hold your husbands feet and ask for forgiveness.  It is not difficult to trace anyone in this present age.  If you have the will you will somehow find your husband and do peace with him. 

 

Problem with women like you is, you people don’t have patience or the willingness to continue in marriage, you want things your way, you want your husband and in laws to dance according to your tunes.  If you had willingness to lead marital life with your husband by adjusting with him and his parents, you would not have seen this day at all.  You are those unadjusting types sadly.  Nothing can be done.  You will be labeled as 498a wife for life.

 

Even if he takes you back, life wont be easy.  The hurt and anger of your police complaint will come back to you in much greater force than ever.  Chances are you might end up dead, due to hatred and anger.

 

Your marriage is over.  You seem educated, but you are not, sadly.  You could have had a wonderful life, but now its all over.  Now only court case.

1.  Divorce case.

a) Mutual. Free in 6 months.

b) Contested.

c) Ex-parte.

2.  Some more cases like DV etc.

3.  Maintenance case.

All run simultaneously like mega serial.  You wont get any alimony as you are able bodied.  Your stridhan etc and dowry claim back is a never ending issue.

Ah and the clock is ticking, and you are aware of it, that is good to know.  Take mutual divorce and find another guy in marriage before you turn 34.

 

 

Money can buy you husband, but not a relationship.

 

Regards,

You can mail me at Online498a.DV.Act.Crusader@gmail.com

Online.498a.DV.Act.Crusader   03 June 2017

Originally posted by : Deepthi
Thank you,

I requested the police to help. However they suggest not go there instead stay in a different flat in the same apartments.

Can I force the police to come along to drop me here ? Also What if the door is locked ? Do I have the rights to break the lock ?

If you are so much scared, why even bother to go?  Do you think they will open one police statoin inside the apartment that you are staying that you will be given 24 / 7 protection?

Even if some nut comes up with such kind of law.  Will such a setup be feasible to live in for husband and wife?

Mistake women like you and my wife do is approach police as if they are your saviours.  In reality your husband is your saviour which you did not realise. And you go to third party, seeking help? Marriage should be between 4 walls of house, not in police station.

or you plan to shift to police station permanently? 

Online.498a.DV.Act.Crusader   03 June 2017

See options are there to get favorable orders from court, 

to barge in.

to break in the door.

to get alimony.

That is goondaism via police.  Isnt it?  Ah for you andhra people goondaism is in the blood.  One can make out from RGV movies.  Well, thats a different story altogether.

But if your husband wants to take you back who are we to decide what happens with you?  Isnt it.

 

If your husband takes you back, fine. Or else dont waste time.  Take divorce. and remarry ASAP.

Ms.Usha Kapoor (CEO)     03 June 2017

If reallyhe loves you he would come and join you. Let elders from both sides broker peace and unity between you two. If still things  don't workout, you forgert about him and take up a gainful job. If you are an under graduate do PG and Ph.D and become a professor.This way your mind's wounds would heal. By and by you'll be able to forget him. Turn over a neew leaf. Love is not one way  traffic.Good Luck!

Deepthi   03 June 2017

Thank you Usha :)

Deepthi   03 June 2017

@Online.498a.DV.Act

Respected Sir/Mam,

Thanks a ton for your time.

Being a well educated lawyer, you din't know how to talk to a woman in pubic, then a normal person like me how do I talk.

Calling me a stupid, third class woman, etc., addressing us as madcaps and talking about Telugu Community & pie hole etc.,, is a punishable offense. Hope you very well know it.

Anywaz, only I know what not I did to save this marriage, like you said I must have been really stupid to trust a guy so blindly and his family hence resigned my well paid job for the wedding and struggling for every single rupee daily today. No Financial support, Emotional Support, & travelling to my matrimonial house every now and then Physically I'm down very badly. Unlike most girls, I always wanted a family with in-laws, it would be great to stay with elders. And no man will understand this. The day I was left it was 1am and how do u expect me to run behind him on the roads at that time of the night. And most times I went to my husband's place it was locked. Once he was there but dint let me in. I'm a human being and I too have all the emotions, if he had shouted and hit me in anger for 10 times at least the 11th time I too get offended and try to defend myself. So if I need to go to some classes to control my anger then my husband should be before me. 3.5 months I travelled to various places and visted every relative of his (whom he believed as a close family), but I din't get any proper response. Inspite of getting abused and beaten so horribly, I still want to be with him coz I trust things will be fine soon and its only about understand each other. Its an arranged marriage so we definelty need sometime for ourselves to have a successful marriage. I'm ready to die but not go for an other wedding, I'm not expecting for any divorce or money but a simple and peaceful life with my husband. 

Well my sincere request to you is, if you can't help please don't. Instead don't make a person feel more low with your unwanted words. You are simply pushing a person to another level of depression.

Regards,

Deepthi

Deepthi   03 June 2017

@Online.498a.DV.Act

Brother,

I guess you have been seriously affected you some lady who doesn't know the value of marriage and a husband. But here its vice versa..Its he who approced the police first for counselling and then never turned back. He left me on Feb 17th and approced the police showing himself as innnocent on Mar 5th. Meanwhile hundreds of calls and messages were sent to take me back and we could solve the issue about whatever that is. Instead he just created a secen out of nothing.

Knowing that he still loves me and just couldn't manage his family and me I gave him some breath in space, yet things din't change. So please don't go with a notion that all women are bad and all men are innocent.

Deepthi   03 June 2017

@Online.498a.DV.Act

Today if I join an organiation I can for sure earn better than him..so there is no alimony required. I don't need any money for free, neither did I SELL myself in the name of marriage.

Goondaism is not in the blood of anybody, its more like a cat which is beaten in 4 walls for a longtime and one day it looses its temper. Similarly if ppl keep testing patience of a weak person then someday they have to pay for it.

Well coming to re-marry someone, is something which will never come into picture. For me marriage relationship is so scared and it can't contaminated with so many options

Online.498a.DV.Act.Crusader   03 June 2017

You called me brother, my eyes became wet.

No need to call me brother.  Most of the times we need to speak like this to bring out certain truth from the party seeking advice. Please dont take it to heart.

What I want you to take to your heart is few things.

You have tendency to back answer.  This is kind of behaviour is self-detrimental.  Learn to change this.

What is done is done. You cant change the past.  You can look forward to not repeating same mistakes. USHA KAPOOR has told do further studies etc.  Think very much before getting into any course.  More you study more you will be proud for no reason, difficult it will be to adjust with people if you want to remarry.

 

Many women like you tell remarriage is not on their mind.  It will be like this for some time. But not for long.  But once you cross the bridge you cannot come back, so take decision of remarriage before you cross reproductive age of 35.

I am happily married and as I look back, we completed 17 years of marriage. We have a daughter who is 15.  I have taught her what I have tried to teach you here.  I hope my words of wisdom she will follow. One important thing you must understand.  Love should be both ways.  You cannot force someone to love you by force, that happens in telugu movies. 

https://youtu.be/7XL5BgC11fA

You can check if you want.  In Law there is no chance of forcing someone to accept you, if he does not want. Same holds good for women.  If women does not want, she will never let anyone near her.  Same holds good for men also.

Try to solve matter amicably by way of talks.  You might have tried you best to save the marriage or rejoin, but think was it enough? I dont think you gave your best shot to the marriage.

Secret to successful married life is unending adjustment.  If he does not adust you should, or else marriage will break.

I have explained all legal options. 

Ramesh   03 June 2017

Deepthi,

I'm sorry to hear your marriage problems.  I feel your husband in money minded.  He does not know to show love to a girl who really loves him.  He does not deserve you. I think you should apply for divorce, if he does not turn up, you will get exparte divorce.  Go for a job, in 1 year time your mind will heal, find a person who respects and reciprocates your love.

All the best.

Deepthi   04 June 2017

Thank You Ramesh. Ramesh Singh - Ur suggestion is gave me a great relief. Hope we reunion soon. Thanks a lot.

Deepthi   04 June 2017

Originally posted by : Online.498a.DV.Act.Crusader
You called me brother, my eyes became wet.

No need to call me brother.  Most of the times we need to speak like this to bring out certain truth from the party seeking advice. Please dont take it to heart.

What I want you to take to your heart is few things.

You have tendency to back answer.  This is kind of behaviour is self-detrimental.  Learn to change this.

What is done is done. You cant change the past.  You can look forward to not repeating same mistakes. USHA KAPOOR has told do further studies etc.  Think very much before getting into any course.  More you study more you will be proud for no reason, difficult it will be to adjust with people if you want to remarry.

 

Many women like you tell remarriage is not on their mind.  It will be like this for some time. But not for long.  But once you cross the bridge you cannot come back, so take decision of remarriage before you cross reproductive age of 35.

I am happily married and as I look back, we completed 17 years of marriage. We have a daughter who is 15.  I have taught her what I have tried to teach you here.  I hope my words of wisdom she will follow. One important thing you must understand.  Love should be both ways.  You cannot force someone to love you by force, that happens in telugu movies. 

https://youtu.be/7XL5BgC11fA

You can check if you want.  In Law there is no chance of forcing someone to accept you, if he does not want. Same holds good for women.  If women does not want, she will never let anyone near her.  Same holds good for men also.

Try to solve matter amicably by way of talks.  You might have tried you best to save the marriage or rejoin, but think was it enough? I dont think you gave your best shot to the marriage.

Secret to successful married life is unending adjustment.  If he does not adust you should, or else marriage will break.

I have explained all legal options. 

Thank you so much :)

Happy to hear such soothing words. If at all things get fixed, I shall adjust in every possible way.

Meanwhile, I had done my masters, so will look for some temporary job in the hope of going back to my husband soon.

regards,

Deepthi 


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