Marital Blues and Solutions

                  TRANSFERRING GUILT FEELING IS NOT HONESTY

Honesty is indeed the best policy. We wish we could follow it always and raise our children in the honesty stream. However, there is always a nagging doubt in our minds: are we honest to ourselves? Do I hide an affair of mine from my wife lest she is emotionally damaged? Many a time I feel like confessing to my newly wedded wife who is expecting my child that I have had a brief affair with a sweet little pretty woman next door when she was in an advanced stage of pregnancy and sex was denied to me under doctor's orders? But I do not have the moral courage to confess.

OFFLOADING GUILT

One fine evening when my wife and I have had our quiet and simple dinner and we were sitting in front of the living room fire, I mustered courage to tell her what many don't. I held her hand, felt her abdomen , talked to our baby in the womb lovingly, looked into her eyes and in a trembling voice said" Darling, I want to say something to you about my personal life in recent months."" She surprised me by saying that many newly married couples have had unpleasant experiences when the bride was in the family way. That was just a general statement and her emotions did not betray her thoughts. I just could not fathom that she knew this specific case of mine. I said I still have to say something. her eyes, a little moist by now, gave me the signal to go ahead.

That fateful evening it was drizzling. I was alone in the house as you were away at your sister's place to have a work-free weekend. I was lonesome. I opened the wine chest and pulled out my favourite brand and poured into the sparkling whiskey glass. One, two and three - the third peg gave me nasty idea of having female company in that romantic weather. I knew that the pretty woman in the neighbourhood was lonesome too. I called and she responded positively. She came over. Pleasant chat we had over a couple of drinks. All was set for the final act. We were in bed having a roaring sex before I could realise what was happening. It was a night long affair to be forgotten quickly as it had begun. Later in the week she gave signals that the repeat performance could be staged in her apartment as you had returned by then. I exercised real will power to say - once is enough. That was the end of the one night stand. It lingered in my mind for a while and I tried to forget it as a bad dream but could not. I have had mental sex with her many a time but now it is all over.

I had confessed. She was quiet for some time. Dazed, shocked and bewildered. She felt that her life was ruined. Has everything fallen apart. We did not have dinner that night. We did not have sex either. I too felt like I was the Living Dead. I revived gradually and made an endeavour to revive her too. It took longer but we were successful. Life was back on rails as the day of delivery came. The baby boy was born and he cemented the fragile relationship of his parents. A real Saviour indeed the baby boy became otherwise the marriage of his parents would have been on the rocks.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ANALYSIS

The husband had confessed to his pregnant wife about his extra-marital affair and felt light. The weight of guilt was off his chest. Never mind if it was just a ONE NIGHT STAND but he did share the bed with a divorcee and both had a roaring sex. The husband did not say in so many words but his post-sex behaviour announced publicly that he felt rejuvenated after this new experience of sleeping with a pretty woman next door. But let us examine the mental state of the poor wife who was carrying the child of the man who cheated on her. After listening to the confessional statement of her husband in the privacy of her bedroom, she was devastated. But for the fact that she was in the family way, she would have run away from the house and the man who had cheated on her. She went through the time of her and his life that they had spent together before and after marriage. She knew in the heart of her hearts that she loved him. It was equally true that he loved her. The point of no-return had not yet come. The husband had categorically stated in his confessional statement that the sex with the pretty woman next door was just a one-night stand. No more, no less. She was inclined to take his word on their face value. However, something in her heart clamoured: what if she conceives again or just goes out of town for a brief period. Will her husband share the marital bed with another woman again? The nagging thought refused to go away. She felt tormented day and night.

What is the way out?

Generally speaking, it is the male partner who cheats, then confesses and off loads the feeling of guilt and enjoys a sound sleep thereafter. On the other side is the female partner who bears the brunt of separation, of comments from neighbours about the wayward behaviour of the husband and suffers the pangs of chill in the marital relationship. The feeling of guilt off loaded by the husband remains embedded in wife’s mental makeup and she finds it difficult to lead a normal life.

Suppose the wife gets over the trauma of the first sexual encounter of her husband and the pretty woman next door, it is the FEAR of a repeat performance by a unfaithful hubby under similar circumstances that just does not let her lead a normal life. The only way the poor wife can get over this nagging doubt about her husband’s promiscuity is by seeing and studying an improvement in the sexual situation on ground over a period of time. There is no magic wand that can change the poor scenario to an El Dorado. The Time is the best healer of wounds inflicted by unfaithful husband on the wife’s mind provided the husband does not inflict another wound in similar circumstances.

The husband and wife will lead a life of peace and tranquility again provided sex hungry single women are kept out of sight and out of mind. Assuming that everything will be hunky dory once again as it was once upon a time, we bid adieu with a promise to return.

By Chitranjan Sawant

UPVAN  609, Sector 29,  Noida – 201303  INDIA.  

Email: upvanom@yahoo.com and sawantg.chitranjan@gmail.com