Need experts advice on this custom of inlaws domination

It is sad th at mother inlaw keeps the jwel of the new bride and husband does not intervene.It only shows that you are maaried to aperson who is not independent financially.On pretext of function like deewali ,karwa chauth etc .Get the jwellary out and ask your husbaand to get alocker for himself and deposit it with husband.

dats whr. the problem lies.hubby earns v.well...but has no guts to question his mum.he's a mama's boy.

they live separately from inlaws.yet the MIL possesses all her jewels!

there are many jewels lying wid her.on a certain occassion like diwali,she'll only give the set which the bride wants to wear.now if the bride takes it permanently and keeps in the locker as suggested by you,the MIL will be so offended that she'll refuse to give the remaining sets as she has been "insulted"

and if the bride asks for a new set for a new occasion like rakshabandhan,the MIL will say"you wear that set that u had taken on diwali which you never returned".

all these are pressure tactics by inlaws so that the bride never has possession of all her jewels.

even her parents scold her for "disobeying" inlaws.

 its senseless to go to courts just to claim the jewels,esp when one is newly married...it can ruin the marriage,where the only bone of contention is the jewels on which the poor bride is not supposed to exercise any rights!

so wots the final solution so that all jewels remain with bride only?

this is not my caser.it's of my friend.

also when i marry in future,i want to keep all my jewels with me,without any family disharmony.so please suggest some "non-legal" ways

I suggest one thing.

Before you marry, please check your compatibility with your in-laws.  If you find that it may not work out, find out if your fiancee, can live separately with you after marriage.  If these two are not possible then do not marry.

A better option is you can look for a boy who is already staying separate and is not with his parents or siblings. This will ensure all your problems are solved.

Our society is torn apart due to these egos.  We are continuously into blaming.  I have seen girls and their parents who have ruined the boys families becasue of (1) Ego and lack of self belief (2) They think just because they are married they have bought the boy (3) Parents love for their daughters to the extent they disregard that the same exists with the boy and his parents also.

All are humans filled with emotions and naturally as a daughter finds it difficult to give up her parents and  siblings, a boy too need time (and believe me) more time as men are too emotional and the worst part is they hide it.

Let us stop being selfish and demonstrate magnanimity when encountered with small mindedness.  It is better to stay away with love for each other than to stay together and destroy it.  

Do not marry out of selfishness (called materialistic love) and later regret. Marry only where there is compatibility and discuss this with your finance with an open mind before arriving at a decision. Also discuss openly with your parents and also your in-laws, if necessary.

One more point, a relationship is not an agreement executed on paper and and so is the bond of love which is very essential for a family to exist and a husband-wife relationship to prosper.

It is not money or materialistic worldly riches that sustain these relationship. It is the understanding that bonds. If someone else is not understanding then you and we as more educated people have to demonstrate maturity to make others understand. 

In this age of speed, patience has no place.  But ultimately every human being after all the speed is over, will settle back to normalcy and by that time it would be too late as one would have lost more than what was earned.  

dear ss

thanks for ur gr8 views.but tell me who's being materialistic here? the bride or her inlaws?

secondly i have already stated that the bride in question here is already living separately from inlaws.

inlaws act v.nice b4 marriage...after all they are getting a bride to serve them,who'll also bring booty along.but afterwards they show true colors...so one cannot be sure b4 marriage if inlaws will be as good as they seem to be now..if that ws the case,there wud have been no divorce cases...

There is no end to blaming.

If you try to try discuss all these before marriage, you will never find a perfect groom. Similarly one will never find a perfect bride.

Your problem started right from the day homo sapiens came into existence on this earth. It has never been solved and will never be solved unless someone shows better understanding of the situation instead of blaming. 

Therefore do not marry for lust. It is better to stay single and be perfect than to marry and keep pointing out imperfections of others. This is my advice for people who cannot adjust and understand people.

Now-a-days there are several new found avenues for a family like adoption, live-ins etc. It is better to stay detached than to get into marraige with suspicious mind.

If by staying separate, if your friend cant solve her problem, then no else can solve ever. She can try to get someone to mediate on her behalf with her in-laws and try to get them out of mild threats to her in-laws, if required.

"Why is a newly wed bride supposed to give her jewels to her mother inlaw post marriage?"

Probably this is a clever tradition which was created with purpose to keep the bride "under command and control" for ever.

"Can any experts suggest remedies to a newly wed bride as to how to claim all these jewels from her inlaws smartly,without any fights in the house occurring as a result of this demand which is only rightful? It'll also help other girls into a similar situation."

Use of a good, perfect and undeniable "excuse" seems to be the only way to get them back without fights. I would have proceeded in the following way, even though it would have taken few months or years: Show that I have a great desire for investing in the stock market/mutual funds and I want to invest when the market is at the bottom most. Once I find the situation when market is at the bottom(i.e. everyone is selling) I would demand that my jewellary be handed over to me so that I can sell and invest as per my desire. Once I get hold of the jewellary, then I have THE FREEDOM to "decide" if I want to invest or put in my locker.

"also when i marry in future,i want to keep all my jewels with me,without any family disharmony.so please suggest some "non-legal" ways"

You have to put your foot down and be firm, there is no substitute to firmness. Ask your parents to give you no jewellary or only gold coated jewellary and instead make "fixed deposits" in your name. Later on, you can convert your FDs into gold and keep them in your locker.

One of the simple solutions is to have a locker in daughter's name at the time of wedding so that all her jewels the daughter can place there. There is nothing hurting about it. It is her Streedhan and she has to keep her in her custody. Now whether she has a joint locker with her husband or not , it is upto her to decide. This should not be taken as an offensive gesture from her, again for the reason that it is her streedhan and she should have deciding power on it. 

@Democratic Indian

thank u v.much for your valuable advice...

while girls can decide whether parents will give them jewels or FDs,girls have no control over jewels gifted by inlaws and their relatives which inlaws keep them wid themselves only post marriage.so how to get back that particular jewellery?

@ss

when my friend asked for her jewels presented by her inlaws,she was called "greedy" by her husband & inlaws.so she gave up on her rights to save her marriage!and she never got them back... what an irony!!

u r only preaching philosophies;not suggesting any remedies.

the question of suspicions dont arise..usually in india gals are made to believe that all their gifts,jewels etc will be in custody of "pyari sasumaa".and they agree too willingly.

when these sasumaas dont return them or change them then problems arise...by then it's too late.

u r saying all this since u dont digest the idea of a female asking how she can keep the jewels under her control...r u a male by the way?

I am just not deliberating on the aspect of who will have whose belongings and whether it is right or not.  It is immoral to keep others belongings with us no matter who he/she is.  Agree with this.

I was trying to drive upon the fact also that it is not just the women who are harassed like this, it is the men also. As much as a girl when she marries has duality in trying to detach from her parents and accept her new role and responsibilities as a wife, so is a boy.  It is not that since a few boys and their parents are bad, that the whole male community is bad.  If that is true, then it is true otherwise also. It is not whether one is a male or a female. It is a relationship that matters.

If the way the law and the society projects is true, then I am given to understand that there is around 2% convictions under PDA.  Don't say that all males are corrupt.  Where will one put an end?  Is it not misusing the law for personal gains?

The issues are not as narrow as it is made out to be. They are broader in nature.

Ours is a country which gives protection to even a terrorist and care for him. But not to a husband. We tolerate even terrorists since we believe that justice should not only be done but it should also be seen to be done. But we target to prosecute all other males (especially the youths) in this country.

@ ss

i am asking solutions on how to secure streedhan...and u r repeatedly saying that women also victimise men....is that the solution to what i asked?

why dont u start a separate thread on what u want to preach...or u can add your views on another such thread of suffering men,as there are 100s of them in family forum..

wenever a thread starter seeks some advice which is unrelated to laws for women,many people divert the whole topic to men getting victimsed,laws favouring women,etc etc etc ....and the main query is lost somewhere...

Dear Roshni B,

You  ask solutions on how to secure streedhan ?

Read  Aishwarya post how to secure Streedhan

https://www.lawyersclubindia.com/forum/Re-How-a-bride-can-secure-her-streedhan-after-marriage--24728.asp#117573

Protecting Your Assets

Family court advocate Siddhartha Shah says, "If you feel like your Streedhan is in danger from your in-laws then you needn't worry because there are a few laws and legislations that will help protect your Streedhan."

In fact if anyone besides the bride takes the Streedhan, then they are supposed to give those gifts back within a specific time-frame.

The time-frame to return the gifts is usually three months after the wedding.

Remember, any movable or immovable property qualifies as Streedhan. This could be a house, car, jewellery, household items like furniture, ACs, refrigerators, phones and anything that your family gives you.

In case your in-laws do not return the Streedhan or tell you that it is part of your dowry and you have no right to the property anymore, then here are laws that will help protect your property.

We should avoid generalisations. While MILs are bad, MILs are good too. Depends from individual to Individual. Same way some daughter in laws are good and some may be bad not in themselves, but in their relation with their mother in laws.

So let us be careful that we do not generalise.

many newly married men force their wives to "keep trying to impress" inlaws  after marriage,even if it means no time & space for both of them to develop their own relationship.moreover possessive inlaws already spoil the relationship by complaining against wife and so the wife also complains against them...and the man gets "sandwiched" b/w them...

in trying to impress inlaws,the daughter in law is usually in tricky situations when she has to face verbal abuses,remarks,taunts etc from inlaws in which she has no support from her husband.

this eventually harms their own relations.thus the initail months/yrs. of marriage are concentrated on "impressing" inlaws" rather than husband and wife "impressing each other"

THE SOLUTION TO THIS:

when people get their sons married,they shud let both of them live separately for a few years minus any interference from their side.

let them grow together and develop a good bond.once they are well connected and adjusted fully with each other,they can return to live with inlaws,if reqd.

a wife who's loved well by her husband and happy in her marriage will also be happy serving inlaws,and will love them wholeheartedly for giving her their lovely son.she will also be more  matured & confident lady by the time she returns

if such measures are adopted,i'm sure divorce rates will reduce drastically...because most divorces happen due to inlaws' interference or abuse by them.