FUNNY ONE LINERS

• Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
• My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
• It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
• We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
• Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
• I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
• Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.
• Sure the Grand Canyon may be breathtaking but so is lung cancer.
• When all else fails. Follow instructions.
• By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
• Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things i cannot, and a great big bag of money.
• I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
• If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
• Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.
• You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
• Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.
• I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
• Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
• If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice?
• You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
• I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
• Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
• I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
• Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
• Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Thanks and best regard

Daksh