Characterstics of a Lawyer

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar. "I resent that!" someone replied. "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"

A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Joe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run. "You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend. "I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You comeback for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said " Mr. Conners you are hereby fined £100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has £75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd…"

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice?" "No. He charged me for it."

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that made a huge difference in his defense. "What new evidence could you have?" said the judge. The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $50,000, and I just found out about it."

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made up entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they ever know how to charge!"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Having just had judgement entered against him, Mr. Walters was upset to be handed his lawyer's bill. "It says here that I have to pay you $10,000 now and $900 a month for the next five years! It's like I was buying a top-of-the-line Mercedes!" The lawyer smiled and replied, "You are."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, "I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?"

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!" "Congratulations for what?", asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?", says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old!" "But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty." "That's not possible," replies Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question the woman's punishment?"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Smith, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Jones, gave me $10,000." The judge the reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Smith... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Lawyers for John DuPont now think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They recently discovered that he still has a lot of money.

Despite his best efforts, the lawyer's client was convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair. On the eve of his execution, the convict called his attorney for last-minute advice. He was told, "Don't sit down."

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he knew who he was talking to. "No", replied the farer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I'm Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I'm the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today - and if you don't let me have that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'." "Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your fee and are able to kick me back three times, the duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the head, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him in the ribs. After several minutes, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

A man went into a local Chamber of Commerce, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

Two schoolgirls were having an argument. "My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and makes buildings." The other girl replied, "My dad does better than that. He's a lawyer, and makes loopholes."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" Sarah stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was horrified and prompted changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how do I explain a thing like that to a seven-year old?"

Believing in predestination, a new father set out three objects on the dining room table in preparation for his son's arrival home from school. The first object was a $100 bill. "That represents high finance. If he takes this, he's go into business." The second object was a Bible. "If he takes this one, he'll be a man of the cloth." The third object was a bottle of cheap whiskey. "If he goes for this one, he'll be a drunkard!" The father and his wife then hid where they could see their son's approach. Soon, the son entered the room and examined each article briefly. He then checked to make sure that he was alone. Not seeing anyone, he stuffed the money in his pocket, put the Bible under his arm, and strolled out of the room draining the whiskey. The father looked at his wife and beamed, "How about that! He's going to be a lawyer!"

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said.

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a b*st*rd in the family than a lawyer."

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to an lawyer on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The lawyer asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The lawyer then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10 Braised Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

When applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in Hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?, he asked.

A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives and the gang was happy just to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $1000 when we broke in!"

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?, said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately e-mailed his client a message reading: "Justice has triumphed!" The client e-mailed back, "Appeal at once!"

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on the Orient Express. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world can you find vodka a good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others were quite impressed. The Cuban takes a box of Havanas, unwraps a cigar, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the box of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with callused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows: "Senor Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Senor Gonzales died and his son has inherited the the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but is seems to me that we a serious problem regarding these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be OURS!"

A bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man in the world that it offered $1,000 to anyone who could beat him in one task. The bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could get a drop of juice out of it after the bartender was done would win the $1,000. Many strong people tried and failed. One day a scrawny man came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He squeaked, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the rind to the man, who to everyone's amazement, squeezed six drops into the glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?" "Nope," the man replied. "I'm an attorney for the IRS."

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. The lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee that you will lose the case." Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad that you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. "Oh, but I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back into the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed in to the passenger seat and the truck continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last second he swerved away, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

A housewife, a lawyer and an accountant were asked, "How much is 2 + 2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A pedestrian was standing on the sidewalk when he saw a funeral procession. The procession had two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Directly behind the man was a single-file line of at least two hundred people. Curious, the pedestrian followed the man walking the dog and asked what was going on. The man with the dog replied that the first hearse contained his ex-wife's lawyer. The pedestrian asked how the man died, and was told that the dog had bitten the lawyer and two days later the man had died. The pedestrian then asked about the second hearse, whereupon the man with the dog explained that he was the lawyer who had represented his business partner in a long and vicious business breakup. The man went on to explain that the other lawyer, too, had been bitten by the dog, and had died two days later. The pedestrian pondered this information for a minute, then whispered in the dog owner's ear, "Say, would you mind if I borrowed your dog for a while?" Without missing a step, the dog owner replied, "Okay by me fella, but you're gonna have to wait your turn in line like everyone else."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot! We lived on the funding of that case for ten years.

Best Regards

Daksh