SOURCE - https://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-03-08/pune/28668115_1_counsellors-lady-today-young-woman/2

Mom’s latest worry is the new career woman in her life

PUNE: A successful businesswoman herself, this 48-year-old , who is on the lookout for a match for her mechanical engineer son, says she will do everything she can to support her future daughter-in-law's ambitions.  

Her concern is that the new entrant should not smoke or drink. "It would be hard to accept. Also, I don't want our home to be used as a lodging-boarding accommodation. Women today work long hours, but she ought to help around the house on weekly offs," she added 

Against the backdrop of the changing socio-cultural-economic forces sweeping urban India over the last decade, one member of the old guard who is the most worried is the mother of the groom-to-be .  

In contrast to the image of the domineering, all-powerful saas, the lady today is worried, tense and concerned about the young woman who will enter her home and son's life.  

It's not as if prospective mothersin-law have not changed with time, say marriage counsellors. But the more things change, the more they remain the same.  

"No matter how educated the lady, maternal possessiveness does not change," said marriage counsellor Rajendra Tatar. "Nor does the niggling insecurity that the daughterin-law will take the son away from her. Mothers-in-law feel they have experienced life. Those who have had careers of their own also feel, if we could work and cook, why can't our daughter-in-law ? This is where we tell them that social paradigms have changed. The space negotiated by young women in pursuit of their careers is gained with difficulty. Many are working such long hours that the balancing act between home and work is hard to achieve," he added.  

A 55-year-old mother of a merchant navy officer said she would prefer her son and his wife live separately from day one. "Inter-personal relations remain cordial. A career woman is welcome, but a smoker and drinker is not. Several young women today tend to equate these habits with progress. To my knowledge, my son does not smoke or drink and that is precisely why his wife needs to be unwavering on that score," she said.  

And if they stay with the parents, shared finances are preferable, she added. "I may not need their money, but the feeling of not being taken for granted is important. I don't expect my daughter-in-law to hand over her salary to me, but if she picked up some bills, it would be nice." 

On the other hand, a principal of an international school said her son has several shortcomings, so she would not expect his wife to be picture perfect. "I would not expect to pick up after him. Also, it is imperative that she does not spread unhappiness in the house. Basic courtesy tops my wish list," she added.  

Meanwhile, a mother of a software engineer said she believed that space and respect were achievable within the joint family system. "Women work long hours, but she can made an effort to know relatives and showed interest in festivals celebrated at home," she said. 

"Whether or not she contributes to the family kitty is her call. But I have been working for some time now, and I always set aside a portion of my income for joint expenses incurred within the family, "she added.  

Marriage bureau owner Rajendra Bhavalkar said women allegedly misusing the law-especially section 498 (A) of the Indian Penal Code and Domestic Violence Act,has many parents scared."We point out the contradiction in expecting daughters-inlaw to work and be an ace homemaker . Over 70 per cent of the people who approach us want the girl to work and a corresponding number want the joint family system. So mothers-in-law do need to streamline expectations."  

Gauri Kanetkar, co-owner of a marriage bureau that offers both pre and post- marital counselling sessions and workshops, said that mothers-in-law want their daughters-inlaw to communicate with them.  

"I tell them to initiate conversations , even if the younger woman is too busy. Also young women would do well to remember that the term readymade applies to things, not relationships ," she said. 

A SUITABLE BOY  

Domestic training, say mothers of growing sons, is not just for the girls. Most of them are convinced that exposing their son to household chores will smoothen the path for them in the long run.  

Homemaker Nupur Rathore says tasks for her eight-year-old include making beds, polishing his shoes, and sending him to the market even and making him keep accounts in a little notebook. "It is not a 'girlie' thing at all. If his wife can drive a car, he should know the basics around a kitchen. I plan to introduce him to simple tasks such as setting the cooker when he is older," she said.  

Aarti Sharma has taught her 19-year-old how to set up the cooker, clean the table after meals, and make a few simple dishes such as dal, two-three curries, omelet and cutlets. "He helps me with the dishes occasionally and makes breakfast on Sunday. It will help him take up domestic chores easily and not take his wife for granted. I also warn him against comparing a girlfriend to his mother," she said.  

Pinky Singh says her teenaged son helps her buy the monthly condiments. "He protested at first and said it was a bore. But I made him do it after I realised that he was getting used to dictating the menu. I tell him to respect the effort that goes into planning a meal, and that no future wife will have the time to make him elaborate dishes daily. These days, he makes tea and offers to fix breakfast on Sundays," she said.