Harassment by mother-in-law

Mr Raman,

We dont know if that author is still alive and checking these posts or not - but people express their views to leave a thought behind also.  Your thoughts become actions --> so if you can spread positive thoughts nothing wrong there.

Opinions with justifications can make a positive impact... which is very important in today's world.

You are very senior so you know that you can learn from others' mistakes also.

You are financially independent (very good to know); but there are many senior citizens like that who are financially independent. People now are working well beyond their retirement age.

My own friends (as of many others on this post) live abroad completely distant from the day to day lives of their old parents. and they dont feel guilty or bad or have any other thoughts - BECAUSE the WESTERN CONCEPT OF FAMILY FOCUSES STRICTLY ON SPOUSE AND CHILDREN. you may know that in many organizations, your medical insurance covers only spouse and children (but not parents).

This debate is NOT about money. Emotional needs are stronger when you are old (You may be an exception and ready to live a separate life) and the growing trend is children tend to ignore their old parents and focus on their darlings.

One need not tell an adult male how to treat his wife and kids and parents.

Of course some old people may get cranky and bad mouthed (that is a small %age0 - but for that you should suggest talks and counselling rather than supporting @author's views of legal actions.

If you give complete freedom, dont interfere,dont expect anything from you son  - his wife will obviously think you are the best FIL/MIL.  and the new age wives will spare you of any legal hassles. Like they are doing a bl**dy favor.

Dont think I am an old FIL etc., no I am still very young and love to live my life - but I dont support abandoning parents in their sunset years. Or punishing them for age related ailments. My parents are more than financially independent --> they can take care of me !!

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Originally posted by : Dr. MPS RAMANI Ph.D.[Tech]
	The member or rather the Member-deleted posted her complaint and, it seems, she has left. Now the Learned members of the LCI are only debating among themselves. If she is still around, I ask her "What exactly is her husband?" Is he a Mama's boy or a joru ka ghulam? What she should do will very much depend on the attitude of her husband. There is a general complaint that young sons and daughters do not look after their old parents. But there are past middle-aged women, who suffer from oral diarrhoea. Sharp and hurting words will flow in  torrents from their mouths. Such women are difficult to live with. It is terrible for their sons and daughters-in-law to suffer. Don't think that I am a young person, whose wife is suffering from her mother-in-law. I am very old and my parents are dead long, long ago. We have a son, daughter-in-law and grand-children. They live abroad and occasionally visit us in India. I earn enough and we are not a financial burden on my son and family. I have expressed my opinion purely based on seeing other families for very long years.

It not just about money.

I hope you are old enough to understand that much.

Famlies live together, or keep in touch just not for financial reasons.  They do keep in touch for emotional well being.

But like you have explained, children moved out to some other country and you are on your own, the day might not be far where each parent would distance themselves from their children, especially the boys, for the laws of the land favor only women.

It is very important that the member who gave the original post in the form of a complaint is listening. I find here that most of the responses are hostile.

Again I say that if mother-in-law and daughter-in-law cannot live under one roof, they should separate. With whom will the husband stay? Anywhere in the World, the answer is husband and wife should stay together. Staying separately doesn't mean that they are hostile to each other. Some women are verbally so agressive that it will be difficult to stay with them. Sharp words will flow from their mouth in torrents like sharp arrows. There are also women of few words.To stay separately and still having good relations with occasional mutual visits, is also possible.

It is my opinion that if a person posts a complaint, those who respond should not assume or presume things and doubt the person who has posted the complaint.

There is nothing called Western culture and Indian culture. Developments in science and technology change the modus vivendi of people. As India is still behind the Western countries in technology, India has still old world culture. Technological development will change the attitudes of people here also. Whether it is good or bad, is a different matter.

Probably I have also written too much.

<<<ind here that most of the responses are hostile<<<

 absolutely not, and there is no basis for this conclusion i think you are getting upset that so many disagreed with you.

<<<<<<there  is nothing called Western culture and Indian culture" -->

HA HA HA. you are acting more modern than a today's 16 year old teenager.  you wish you were born now so you could enjoy the freedom that technological change is fast bringing in. sorry sir, you are time is over.

<<<<the answer is husband and wife should stay together.<<<<<<<

yes and thats why they get married. beyond that I dont need to say anything.

<<<<<<<"Probably I have also written too much."  --> =

not too much,  your views are not agreeable with many. and worse thing is being a senior with grown up children and after living a full life, you are comments were very thoughtless.

if MIL is abusive, leave her. If Wife is abusive, try to work it, make the marriage work etc. etc. If you leave her, she will file a police complaint.

" For your reference - filing dowry case is INDIAN CULTURE and not in any other culture. Just one very relevant example for you. " 

My guess is - and it is a guess -  you also probably left your mother/father to live with your wife and are defending this concept so strongly. 

<<<<< those who respond should not assume or presume <<<

there are no assumptions in any of the replies. You are a scientist so may be you should stick to your subject :)

<<<Technological development will change the attitudes of people here <<<

Outside influence will change the attitude no doubt - but you are not taking a stand. You want to go with the flow. If Star Movies start showing joint families and abstinence till marriage,you will say yes it should be practiced. better have some values of your own.

When your son's children get pregnant at 15 or 16 and become drug addicts, you son will know the value of what he left behind. Or when your grandchildren interact with gun weilding classmates, you will also know what values are important.

Hope you dont drag this needless and pointless discussion, it is not that you or I are saving the world.

You lived your life so you can spend the rest of your life with no hassles. enjoy your financially independent life.

"EK SADA HUA TAMATAR POORI TOKRI KHARAB KAR DETA HAI" just an Adage.

Mr. Harish,

Why do you turn hostile and sarcastic, just because you do not agree with what I say? Your guesses are all wrong.

Very long ago one of my nieces joined college for B. Sc. Mathematics. I expressed an opinion that she should have opted for Chemistry as job opportunities were better for that subject. But the elders then said “What does it matter for a girl”. That was the opinion then regarding girl’s education. But now things are very different. The daughter of the same niece is now a surgeon. Nowadays many couples have one or two children only, thanks to the small family norms. Also there are couples with daughters only. They have also aspirations with regard to their children. They want their daughters to become highly qualified.

Earlier almost all girls were confined to homes. Now they join Universities for higher studies and even go to distant places in search of education and employment. When girls and boys work together, some of them fall in love with each other and get married irrespective of caste or religion. Even when already married men and women work together love develops between them with disastrous results.

I have no daughter. But I had five sisters and many nieces. The marriages of all my nieces were arranged. But the marriages of all my grand-nieces are love marriages approved by their parents. My own grand-daughters are in America. Though none of them have become pregnant to the best of my knowledge, I cannot vouch that they did not or would not have had premarital s*x.

Love marriages and pre-marital s*x are progressively becoming common in India too. The public stance now in India is in favour of love marriages, because those people think that such marriages would be mostly inter-caste and inter-religious marriages which would eventually dissolve the caste system. Please note that this is their opinion and not necessarily my opinion. Don't start attacking me again.

Previously the economies were based on agriculture. Families and generations were tied to one place and lived as joint families. Now also the propertied classes, who live solely on the income from their properties, live as joint families. With the advent of science and technology new jobs requiring high education and skills got created at distant places. The result was nuclear families. When children (whether sons or daughters) became adults, they separated from their parents and married according to their choice.

If the mother-in-law or father-in-law is verbally violent and aggressive young couples should separate and live separately. If the wife or husband becomes violent and aggressive, the solution would be divorce. You have come to wrong conclusions from what I wrote.

When my grand-daughter was only 3 years old, I had gone to America. In a mall, where I had gone with my son and grand-child, we met an Indian lady. She told my son “you have a daughter and you will have worries in this country, when she grows up.” My son replied that they (he and his wife) were mentally prepared for any eventualities. I got worried and I asked my son why he replied that way. He told me that he only meant that he would face the realities as and when they arose.

In due course one of my grand-nieces in India got married. It was an inter-caste marriage.  Soon after, I happened to make another visit to my son.  At that time my grand-daughter had become 10 years old. Her talk and behavior were just like that of any American girl. My thoughts went to what my son said 7 years back.  It would not have made any difference whether my grand-child was in India or in USA.

One can go on writing how attitudes change with technological development. For that I will have to write an article.  Changes do take place, whether we like it or not.

If what I write is not palatable to you, do not insult me. You can put forward arguments to rebut me.