REALISATION IS BETTER...BEST IF COMES SOON..
Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen recently said it's possible to remarry his ex-wife. A growing number of divorced urban Indians believe the same. Is a second time around realistic? Famous American film and television actor Charlie Sheen is in the news again for admitting to spending family time with ex-wife Denise Richards and holidaying with her for the sake of their two daughters. Replying to whether he saw himself remarried to the woman who divorced him in 2005 over an alcohol and drug abuse charge, Sheen said, "(...)anything is possible." Assuming Richards agrees with Sheen, Nancy Kalish would say there is a good chance that the two will make a successful marriage the second time around. The psychology professor at California State University conducted a study across 42 countries, including India, for rare cases of people, who resurrected earlier relationships. She found that 64 per cent of them were successful. Bollywood actor Annu Kapoor's life could stand testimony to Kalish's claim. The 56-year-old remarried his first wife, Anupama (Pami), in 2008. Pami, 13 years his junior, was just 23 when she first married him in 1992. "Perhaps her parents convinced her that she had made a mistake. We drifted apart. While she remarried in the US, I settled down with another partner, but both marriages failed," says Kapoor, who credits destiny for reuniting them in February 2008. Kavan and Maahir, Pami's sons from her previous marriage, got around to accepting Kapoor as their dad. "I'm as fond of them as my son, Evaan, who Pami gave birth to in August 2008. All three of them call me bapuji," he says. In her book, Lost & Found Lovers, Kalish speaks of successful reunions occurring when the couple, while married the first time, were very young and faced with external problems (financial constraints, parental opposition). "Spending their formative years together helps build a love that endures. Many of the men reported that their lost first loves became the standard for all their other romances," says Kalish. Children work as cement Often, it's the presence of a child that lends ex-spouses the will to give a failed relationship a second chance. Hindi filmmaker Sanjay Gupta (of Kaante, Musafir fame) and wife Anuradha say their oneyear-old son Shivaansh is the reason they are together again. Gupta first married Anuradha in 1997, but their relationship was marred by petty fights. A divorce in 2004 didn't destroy Anuradha's faith in love, although she hadn't the faintest idea that she'd marry Gupta again. "I had turned him down when he first broached the idea of remarriage, but slowly things changed. I was going through a surgery, and he was there for me," says Anuradha, who remarried Gupta five years after she split from him. "Shivaansh keeps us together. We share a better understanding, I think, and make it a point to steer clear of previous mistakes," she says. Distance brings perspective The reason, say couples, why a remarriage, even if with the same partner, could work better is due to an inevitable change in circumstances when the two are apart. Each uses the cooling-off period to reorganise his or her situation. Stayat-home moms look at becoming financially independent. Divorced men learn to make themselves comfortable with chores. This helps couples make sure they don't rush into remarrying the ex to maintain the status quo that existed before the separation, simply because things were 'easier' then. Kolkata-based producer Varsha Chhawchharia, who hails from the famous Bansal family that produced most Satyajit Ray films, and her chartered accountant husband, Ashish, are happily remarried. Their first marriage ended in divorce, and both stayed single until she met him on a visit to the UK and suggested they marry again. "I used to miss him, and when we met, it felt natural to discuss remarriage," she says. The simple ceremony took place at her mother's Kolkata residence in August 2006, two years after the divorce. "Our son, Vivaan, was born in 2009. When I see him dote on Ashish, I know I've done the right thing." Tragedy makes you wiser, believes Ashish. "I realise that we respect the other's views more than we did, because we know what it is to be away from each other." 'Coming out' to the kids Relationship counsellors often warn couples of a backlash, especially from their adolescent kids. How and when to disclose news of the reunion is tricky. Anuradha Gupta says it's a question that haunts her often. Give it time, advises Anupama Kapoor, who was confident about her decision to move back to India with her sons. "All kids from broken marriages have questions about why their parents split. At first, my sons met Annu at social dos, and were gradually told that 'he was married to mama once before'." Kapoor has simple advice for men taking a second plunge and dealing with kids: Be humble, honest and patient. "That's the only way to bond and build," he feels. Questions to ask yourself If 'personality differences' caused the split, it's best not to try reuniting. People don't change easily. This also applies if your partner was abusive. 2 Don't get taken in by mere talk. If the reason for the break-up still exists (say, your husband was squandering combined savings, and his finances are still in disarray), stay away. 3 Ask yourself if you can trust your partner again. If infidelity wrecked the marriage, will you be tempted to check on his/her whereabouts? 4 Don't let convenience be the reason. Most couples assume it's easier to return to a past arrangement than start afresh with a new partner. The reunion will work only if all past issues have been sorted. 5 Don't do it for the kids alone. Do you still love each other, and want to be together? 6 Are you ready to face your kids and society? They could look on you as an irresponsible parent, and indecisive spouse. Findings from the love lost project In 1993, professor of psychology Nancy Kalish conducted an anonymous study of adults who loved someone years ago, parted, then five or more years later tried another relationship with that person. She followed it up with another survey in 2004, and continues to research the topic eight years later. 62% Chose to reunite with their first loves, no matter how old they were when they reunited and how many romances they had had during their lives. 72% Reported they were still together years after they had reunited; in one case, 50 years before. 71% Reported that the reunion was their most intense romance of all. 61% Said the rekindled romance started faster than any other romance in the past. 63% Reported that their s*xual involvement was the most intense. These findings are from the survey conducted between '93 and '96 via multiple choice questionnaire across 50 US states and 42 countries. Participants, aged 18 to 89, were picked from diverse ethnic, religious, educational and occupational groups. The famous do a back and forth The much-married Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor wed Richard Burton nine days after her divorce to Eddie Fisher came through on March 6, 1964, even though the Vatican had condemned their affair as 'erotic vagrancy'. The two divorced in 1974, and remarried in 1975, only to be re-divorced in 1976. Rapper Eminem first married childhood flame Kimberley Anne Scott on June 14, 1999, and divorced years later after Kim's second drunk driving conviction. They remarried in January 2006 before divorcing again in December, when the duo agreed to share the custody of their daughter. Actor Annu Kapoor and first wife Anupama remarried in 2008, and now live with their son Evaan (on her lap) and Kavan and Maahir, sons from Anupama's earlier marriage Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen's ex-wife Denise Richards divorced him in 2005 over abuse charges "Marriages that take place at a young age are, at their heart, good friendships. the shared roots are the important factor; old friends make us feel comfortable. it's healing to reunite " — Nancy Kalish, psychology professor.
kyunki
