My husband is calling me back home

Dear Sapna, As you have two kids and..so i assume that its been a couple of years that your are married. And looking at the terms and conditions that he has posed to you.... i would suggest you both go for counselling once. I dont mean you are wrong ...but sharing financial responsibility is very common dear. See incase you seperate from him he will give some meagre maintenance and becoz you are working...even in the eyes of law...you will not be able to bargain much. But yes..dont tolerate physical abuse from him. He should not do it...at this juncture of your relationship..he should not treat you like a animal. Totally unfair of him. Your kids will also suffer mentally looking at such junk from him. I request you to approach women protection cell, tell them clearly that you DO NOT intend to file DVC against your husband ...but this man needs some DOSAGE definitely he needs to mend his abusive ways. They will call him and you both will be given counselling. During councelling let him come up with his set of conditions. They will make him understand that such conditions are not good for a happy married life. You can object to some of those conditions and may be alter them a bit for your benefit. Try to be little flexible for your kids...lady you are already doing a good job. Dont take hasty decisions. And please your mother, his mother, his sister...they are no one to come in the way of your relationship with your husband. Slowly try to take him into your confidence. He will mend and one day even he will start showing commitment towards you. Please take immediate action...do not prolong and enjoy your marital life. Dont think about seperation or divorce. At women protection cell ..they will ensure that you settle issues with your husband. All the best.

Originally posted by : swapna
	hi everyone, After 4 months of seperation my husband is calling me back home. A little background of my earlier posts (My DH physically abused me in front of his mother for a very silly reason) Now he has come saying that this would not get repeated again i would never raise my hand on you. The way he has approached was, he had come to my office last week and since i had already left for the day he has talked to my colleague, where in she says that by his words and expressions he meant that he wants his wife and kids back. The next day he had again come and my colleague convinced me to talk to him we both sat and wanted to discuss things out but by his conversation with me what i felt was: 1) he wants me back bcos his mother is not with him now she has gone to her daughters house so no one is there to cook food for him 2) he still blames me for that incident and says that i should not go to my parents house often 3) he is not willing to come and pick me from my mother's house he says i cant face her and neither he wants his parents or anybody to come and discuss but just we both patch up I still cannot forget the way he has beaten me up the other day and i dont have the confidence that he has changed so that i can live with him happily. may be for first five or six months he would be alright but then again his original character would be out i feel. i still cant imagine to have any more insults, heartbreaks as he has been doing this since our marriage. Please suggest me what do i do. ???? Do i go back to him or do i get something done leagally and go back. As of now i am concerned about my children's school fees and so on.   he has some trouble going with his job as well as they have changed his division ( which was becos he spoke nasty to his superior, immediate boss so he has approached the higher authorities and has got my husband's division changed.) he does not say me that he had used filthy language to him but says that bcos of our family issue and i happend to call his office and complain itseems tats the reason his promotion has been cancelled and his division has changed. yesterday evening he started saying that if i want my family life to be good with him i should quit my job, stay back home and look after kids and do all house hold chores itseems. otherwise if i strongly want to do job thn i should give him complete financial support as he has loans with his brother (Rs.5 Lakhs) to be cleared, which he had borrowed for our house construction (Land given by my mother). He is so strongly trying to put boundaries around me saying: 1) I quit my job and stay back home looking after kids, getting their homeworks done and making them study and doing house hold work and cooking for him. I told him i am already doing all that inspite of going to work, so i am doing a super women's job. You both need to deciede on this thing. Nothing wrong in being a house wife...for the sake of family. 2) If i will have to do job, then i support him financially and still not ask him any help in any of the house hold things or with kids matter. If i keep a maid i pay for her itseems Com'on doesnt really matter who is paying the maid. Whatever is yours is his and vice versa. 3) i should not be going to my parents house on daily basis(my mom's house is just the next lane) whereas whenever he feels like he can get his mother stay with us however long he wants. or else he can go and visit her and claims that he would not go to waste time but would get some benefit or will have some work of his own itseems. Going to parents house is not really important to both of you.... now you have become parents of two kids... both of you better spend time with kids than visiting parents on a daily basis. 4) Permission will be given to visit my parents(who stay in next lane) once in a week provided if he also goes to visit his mother otherwise i should also drop the plan of visiting my parents and stay back with him at home. Same as point 3. 5) He will pay the fee for the elder son itseems and i should bear the fees and other expenses of my younger son. ( He is dividing the responsibility but not when it comes to things like dressing them up for school, teaching them, all that has to be done only by me even after sharing his financial burden itseems) Both of them are your kids..dont divide children,Club both the kids expenditure and both share in 50:50 or 60:40.Not a big deal. Please tell me do i have to agree to all his above conditions if I want my kids and my self to enjoy the family life in my own house. ???? Dont consider them as conditions....just look at them as challenges and life is not easy being single also:):) But these were not the conditions when he came and approached me in my office last week and discussed about patching up. He had been to visit his mother and sister last week end and the after effects of their meetings and discussions is so much change in his talks, and actions. So...what????? give those ladies some challenge come back and win your husband. Show them their place and start ruling your husbands heart. Giving a Divorce is like i would be freeing him from any responsibilities and giving him a chance to get him married and enjoy his life. But then holding on is also tough becos how long like tis???? Everything has its own pros and cons ....so deciede what is good for you.

Dear Charu latha,

Thanks a lot for ur reply. will you pls let me know how do i approach this women protection cell, wr in bangalore can i go and contact them. will they be of any help to me in settling my family issues. pls help.

hi, Definitely dear... just google about women protection cell in your area... www.getit.in/women-protection/ you need to give them little butter. Take help of any male member in your family. Do not go alone. They will surely help. But you be clear to them that you want to join him and if you take their help next time your husband will also think twice before misbehaving with you. Give them instructions not to be very rude...but they know how to handle men:)

 

People will misguide you regarding how to create problems for yourself as well as your husband and kids.

Dont go by the above persons suggestion.

Its a trap which nobody can get you out of, its a one way, once you enter womens cell, police station, filing that complaint, this case that case, all will come back to you with double interest some day.

Instead of that, a one on one discussion with your husband would be fair enough to solve things between you both.

Now that he is calling, he is in need of you, this is the chance to make him [almost} dance to your tunes.

Love will change any human being, everybody deserves a second chance.

GIve him one more chance, you wont lose anything by giving him another chance

Between a couple there should be love, forgivness, acceptance, faithfulness and not police.

If all were to be set right by police, what is the point in marrying, one could as well married a police.

I wish you good, in your effort.  Go back to your husband.

Talk it out, if same thing repeats, then I would be more than happy to give you suggestions to deal with such a husband.

Well....only reason i suggested women protection cell..is that her husband is abusive...that's the reason she is not staying with him. Secondly...he is having several conditions to take her back. If this man is in need of her..then he will never put forth such conditions. Marriage is not about CONDITIONS also. WPC and its way of working depends on how you approach them. They will never file a case on their own without her consent. Thats the only way i feel she can bargain her rights and have some mental support to deal with such situation.

hi swapana,

your must been told by his lawyer or may be by freinds about  what you can do ,if u go the other way . So now he is just scared don't fall in his trap again you can take help of women protection cell or any women empowering NGO or if one year has already lapsed you can file for divorce with the help of a good lawyer . I will suggest you personally after reading your situation that he is not changed atall its jus his dirty way to save himself from future trouble. 

regards

abhi.kumar9law@gmail.com

@ Sapna,

If you want peaceful life, disregard my friend Charu and abhishek advices.

Sujay is correct, if you take your husband before group of women, and they blasts him with lot of questions, tell us, will you be comfortable some stranger asking nasty question. Best as he approached through your colleague which seems decent, you also go with common friend and speak alone to resolve disputes. dont go otherway and inflate his ego. If you prepared all the way for divorce, it is your choice go to CAW, PS, court etc etc.

Also I disregard threatening part with CAW, this is where most 498a women fail to realise if you corenr men, he will show how he can get over.. he will not bend.

Believe me your husband requests are decent and reasonable comparing to many ill men. However I disregard his behaviour of beating you though may be out of uncontrolled anger.

Also you need to look at yourself certain things to change and mend for better life you and your kids, remeber nobody else looses, it is at end your family

1) he wants me back bcos his mother is not with him now she has gone to her daughters house so no one is there to cook food for him

 

I see it as a golden opportunity , go to husband's home , have peaceful talk when no-one is around is ideal atmosphere to discuss all issues and eliminate it from life. You see what i am hinting at

2) he still blames me for that incident and says that i should not go to my parents house often

 

Why are you taking this in wrong way, many husbands including myself objected wife to goto her parental home often, only reason is to spend good time together. 

3) he is not willing to come and pick me from my mother's house he says i cant face her and neither he wants his parents or anybody to come and discuss but just we both patch up

 

He came to your office as you said, give him a call and ask him to  pick you up from office, why to bring EGO in between. The more you stay separate more confusion/anger/misunderstanding will be created putting relations to END.

 

Choice is yours !

Hello Homo sapiens are the most intelligent creation is God. Without going around in circles, I am also a male victim of laws abused by some women. I would suggest you speak to your parents and some common friends between you and your husband. Arrange for a meeting, see what he wants and you say what you want, come to a mutual understanding. Make it clear that next time you will not tolerate violence. I believe the on going changes in law have frightened your husband and that is why he is calling you but he does not want to show that so he is speaking nonsense. Lol The main aspect is WHAT AND HOW YOU FEEL. BEAR IN MIND BOTH OF YOU, KIDS SHOULD NOT BE EFFECTED IN NO WAY AND FOR THEIR SAKE TRY LEVEL BEST TO SORT IT OUT. Like shri Krishna has rightly said ' never close the door to peace making and peace making is not expensive no matter what ' 'war should be the last retort ' I pray to shri Krishna on and for your kids that they get love of both the parents forever and together. SHRI KRISHNA SHARANAM MAM: ) may God enlighten the right way and give you the strength.

I would try to make it simple. If trust love and respect is intact, go back. Othherwise go for a peaceful seperation. Intelligently suggesting peaceful seperation can give you insights of his thought process and real motives.

you dont have to decide in a day or two, you  can keep the communication channel open with him - and talk to him for a few weeks and try to understand why he was abusive etc.  take your time. some people are more selfish than normal and have a tendency to use others at every chance. whereas some are natural givers. your husband may belong to the 'taker' category.

this happens in blood relatives also so nothing surprising here, you have to decide if it is a mutually fulfiling relationship.

if it makes you happy and comfortable living with him once he stops abusing, i think you should try.

 

I still cannot forget the way he has beaten me up the other day and i dont have the confidence that he has changed so that i can live with him happily. may be for first five or six months he would be alright but then again his original character would be out i feel. i still cant imagine to have any more insults, heartbreaks as he has been doing this since our marriage.

Please suggest me what do i do. ????
Do i go back to him or do i get something done leagally and go back. As of now i am concerned about my children's school fees and so on.

 

he has some trouble going with his job as well as they have changed his division ( which was becos he spoke nasty to his superior, immediate boss so he has approached the higher authorities and has got my husband's division changed.) he does not say me that he had used filthy language to him but says that bcos of our family issue and i happend to call his office and complain itseems tats the reason his promotion has been cancelled and his division has changed.

yesterday evening he started saying that if i want my family life to be good with him i should quit my job, stay back home and look after kids and do all house hold chores itseems. otherwise if i strongly want to do job thn i should give him complete financial support as he has loans with his brother (Rs.5 Lakhs) to be cleared, which he had borrowed for our house construction (Land given by my mother). He is so strongly trying to put boundaries around me saying:
1) I quit my job and stay back home looking after kids, getting their homeworks done and making them study and doing house hold work and cooking for him.
I told him i am already doing all that inspite of going to work, so i am doing a super women's job.
2) If i will have to do job, then i support him financially and still not ask him any help in any of the house hold things or with kids matter. If i keep a maid i pay for her itseems
3) i should not be going to my parents house on daily basis(my mom's house is just the next lane) whereas whenever he feels like he can get his mother stay with us however long he wants. or else he can go and visit her and claims that he would not go to waste time but would get some benefit or will have some work of his own itseems.
4) Permission will be given to visit my parents(who stay in next lane) once in a week provided if he also goes to visit his mother otherwise i should also drop the plan of visiting my parents and stay back with him at home.
5) He will pay the fee for the elder son itseems and i should bear the fees and other expenses of my younger son. ( He is dividing the responsibility but not when it comes to things like dressing them up for school, teaching them, all that has to be done only by me even after sharing his financial burden itseems)

 

 

mani just imagine if a women do all those things to a man then do any man will want to stay in relationships ? why always women has to keep mum? and do you think that these kind of mentality can ever change ? He used to beat her isn't that a enogh reason to get divorced. See here i am trying to break anything. Its just that she is been handling all this things and i kinda hate these type of action  .

 

 

It is for you to decide to what you want to do..This is a bit beyond legal domain...I will suggest that if your instincts permit, goahead!!!

 

 

If you feel that it is dicey, get mutually seperated retaining your dignity.....

 

 

Regards

Chetan(dot)7679(at)gmail(dot)com