Her parents blackmail her;what should she do?

how can we say that it is black mailing from parents side? Consideringnthe indian realties in this regard,lot of adjustments are needed in maintaining a married life. since your friend is already divorced,her parents must be more concerned.  Apart from the cruetly/torturing from husband/inlaws, are you sure that there was no contributing factors from her side?

with regarding to future,no one can guarantee. I feel it is better not to argu with the parents,so long as the new marriage proposals are ok to her.

I agree totally with Mahendra kumar Sir. Other than that, It is very simple to understand that if one is at the mercy of other, he/she has no right to ask whatever he/she wants. I suppose she is dependent on her parents for her living. Even otherwise, parents have rights to advise their best always. Getting married is  decision that she alone has to take and in case of any unfortunate happenings she should get ready to stand on her own. 

"But her parents are v. mean to her...They want her to promise that if her future husband and inlaws torture her,she will tolerate it like a good wife,even if they are very bad and cruel to her.Otherwise they will not get her remarried."

Attitude of her parents are simply unjust, and orthodox. We have landed up in 21st century, how she should promise her parents like that. In my view her parents should not force her to accept such type of medieval barbaric promise. As this will break her morale and she will land up nowhere.  Even our laws do not support this type of things. Is this emancipation or empowerment of women?

I think she should concentrate on building up a career for herself, however , humble that may be. This would give her confidence in herself and remove the feeling of dependency which is causing helplessness in her. 30 years is not such an age where she should lose hope, but before we gets married again, she should be financially independent so that as Ms. Suchitra has suggested she could take informed decision about her life.

Yes she should get a job and forget thinking about age etc. By keeping herself financially dependent on others, she is indirectly imposing a kind of tyranny on herself.

"The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly self-administered by its victims. The most perfect slaves are, therefore, those which blissfully and unawaredly enslave themselves." Dresden James.

Tell the girl to wake and believe in herself!!!

"One man with courage is a majority." - Thomas Jefferson

To  all the above people

Thank you for answering.

My friend is already working since 5 years.But that has not changed her parents' attitude.

Even when she was 3 years old,if she longed for a chocolate,her dad used to say"If you demand like this in your sasural,your mother inlaw will pull your hair."

When she started rebelling their odd behaviours as she grew up,they used to say"She will have a divorce"

They are hardly finding matches for her now.Moreover they do not try to find out about the boy's credentials and his family,because they feel that even if she gets a good match,she has to keep compromising at all steps.

Therefore they avoid spend their energy trying to find out about prospective matches. If at all she gets a marriage offer,even if the boy is earning as less as 5,000/- monthly they will consider him,because they feel a God has come to take care of their bechaari 30 yr old boori(elderly) girl.

The same mistake they did in her 1st marriage also.They did not try to find out about the boy & his parents,did not  get her kundlis matched and only after mariage we came to know from the boy's relatives only that his mother has  mental problems and the boy is a womaniser.

Both of them have been extremely authoritarian parents.There is no emotional bonding between them.

So please please help her.She really wants to settle down as she is extremely lonely.

Please advise as if she is your own sister.What can be done in above scenarios?

I think we didn't get laws to punish the parents until now. If Parents are not looking for a good match, being an employee and matured person why dont your fiend look out for matches on her own. There are many matrimonial sites now-a-days to cater the needs.

How can anyone help someone who is not ready to help oneself . Why does she consider marriage a very necesseary institution which is frught with insecurities for her--I mean mentally she is scared of getting married. Best thing would be not to be in a hurry to get married,  concentrate on work, have some new qualificaitons so that she can move ahead with confidence, and you will see confidence would come in her to face her parents, to have faith in her choice and courage to meet any eventuality. Introduce her to some such couples who are living a happy life, introduce her to some positive things in life. I know saying is easy than doing, but then if  one keeps focusing on negativity, it would not lead one  anywhere. So ask her to think about solutions to deal with her parents, her progress and her life. Just remaining focused on marriage at this stage is not necessary--this is my humble opinion. I would have given the same advice and the necessary support within my available means, if my sister or a freind had faced this type of trauma.

@ Author


1. You have heard every one's advise / suggestion here. Since you say she is your firend then what could be your advise in such situation to her ?


2. ?

 

Latika madam,

Discrimination from birth and different set of upbringing is the biggest problem of the parents; if this gets corrected then 75% of the problem will vanish.

What u described about her parents, then they are hopeless, and it is a worthless to waste time and energy on changing their attitude (of her parents). She must abandon such type of parents, since they too want to get rid of her (their own blood). Also she must rely/go by on her own decision and can go for counseling (can take help of any psychologist), as obeying parents could be fatal. She can also ask her share under amendment of HSA (succession act) 2005. It is better to fight with odd people, than keeping social bondage. Before going for this she must asses her strength.

First it is she who has to take decision, whether she wished to go for the next marriage, as there is nothing wrong if she opts for second marriage, provided she gets good likeminded match.  Also if any untoward incident happens, then also she should not lose morale and hope and must learn lessons from them, as all of us commit mistakes, decision becomes/goes wrong and go thru unfortunate incidences, these are matter of time and luck, rather it shows that we are capable of taking decisions. This is called real life and we have to go thru the hard reality.

Also, do not go after match making thru kundli as what is the possibility that all the kundlies are right and who will take guarantee of DOB, most of the kundlies used to be fake one and  these have become things of the past. Do not rely on these things.

Apart from above also go by the advice of Madam Renuka Gupta that marriage is not everything, and her qualification and job will always be with her (husband may not be) so, concentrating on this will be of top priority. And also I agee with Mr. Democratic Indian .

Well if she keep on coming to parents home again and again without trying adjustment then isn't it would be cruelity against her parents? If she is so "positive" that she will face cruelity and leave second home also then better not to marry and favour her old parents.

@ mahendra kumar

i beg to differ here.

u r right that marriages require adjustments.but adjustments are different from cruelty..

this girl's parents are telling her to tolerate cruelty if that happens in future,as they dont support her right to live in dignity.living pecefully is everyone's basic right.

unfortunately in indian society,if the inlaws dicover that their daughter inlaw's parents are weak ,they illtreat her even more.in many cases a gal being tortured for dowry is pressurised by her parents to somehow adjust with the greedy inlaws and husband;rather these parents keep fulfilling their demands...it's these very parents who are responsible if their daughter commits suicide or is killed by inlaws/hubby later on.

there's a saying in hindi which i m translating here "a person tolerating injustice is a bigger sinner that the person doing injustice"

kindly read "but adjustments are different from cruelty" as "but adjustments are different from tolerating cruelty"

either there is something basically wrong with her parents or she.

she is remembering an incident as early as 3 years regarding a choclate issue.

I do not feel it is proper to use the word  "black mailing" by the parents.

what do they get by this so called black mailing? It is natural on the part of any parents to expect that the marriage of their children are not broken.