HOW TO HANDLE A DIFFICULT SPOUSE
Most of us have experienced some confusion and despair dealing with a spouse, other family member or close acquaintance. Several times we do not know how to handle them as we cannot see the reason the person behaves so unreasonably. They become angry with us about things over which we have no control. We cannot seem to understand why they blame and punish us for things that happen to them that were not our responsibility. They seem helpless and bitterly angry at the same time. We feel sad confused and trapped in our relationship with them.
It is essential to understand some fundamental things about them.
1-They passively resist fulfilling routine obligations and have become quite skilled at procrastination and the accompanying excuses. They plan but have great trouble following through with decisions. Big plans but not much action seems to be their "modus-operandi."
2-They continually complain that they are misunderstood and not appreciated by others. They remind you over and over again of all the things they have to do with no help from you or anyone else. They continually express anger that "No one seems to appreciate all that they do for them."
3-They are often sullen, argumentative and melancholy about insignificant details and will let "bigger issues" go unresolved. They blow up at you over some small detail but do something more severe themselves and expect you to overlook their behavior and accept it as quite normal and understandable.
4-They unreasonably criticize and scorn others and regularly interpret events around them as others "trying to sort them” They complain that people in household / neighborhood are jealous of them and they are “victimized”
5-They voice exaggerated and unsubstantiated complaints about their misfortune in life/spouse and are often found not to tell the truth. They are convinced they are NEVER to blame for any misfortune that has happened to them. They really do believe what they are saying is the truth and will deny any evidence you show otherwise as "lies fabrications,distortions or half truths"
6-They alternate between being hostile and defiant and then in the next moment will surprise you by being sweet and accommodating if challenged.
If your spouse you are dealing with have at least FOUR of the above qualities? Then you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person who is carrying a great deal of unresolved personal pain.
Some potential solutions to handle difficult spouse and save your marriage
1-CLARIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS
You want all conversations and agreements to be as concrete as
possible. Keep notes, memos, call records. Passive-aggressive LOVE to say, "No you didn't," and "I never said that You are lying!”You are misunderstanding me.
2-EXPECT RESULTS
Don't accept, excuse, or reward poor performance. Expect more than an apology for a mistake. Remember, the passive-aggressive is so full of self-pity that they think they should be able to commit any crime against you and you should forgive them just because they are more deserving of sympathy than others.
3-BE OPEN MINDED AND AVOID DEFENSIVENESS
If some of their complaints have merit, then acknowledge that fact.
4-BE FAIR
Remember the Word to say sorry when you are wrong but don’t apologize excessively don’t feel guilty that you are causing them misery and don’t feel that you are responsible for their miseries. Be fair to them as well as to yourself.
5-GRACIOUSLY CHALLENGE DISTORTIONS AND UNTRUTHS
Note discrepancies between what the person has said and documented facts. They are master at deception and lying.
In our observations over the years, passive-aggressive are ruled by four characteristics.
FIRST, THEY ARE RULED BY ANGER
Unresolved anger is why they are powder kegs and can go off with no notice like a time-bomb. They can smell fear and see it in your eyes and it makes them attack even more.
DEAL WITH THIS PERSON THROUGH SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-CONTROL . Look their anger in the eye and remain calm and poised. Don't let them get the best of you. They begin to win when you get emotional or when shouting starts and you become defensive and angry at their inconsiderate behavior.
SECOND, THEY ARE RULED BY INSECURITY
This is why they will backstab and lie and say one thing to you and something else to another. They are attempting to manipulate the circumstance to their benefit. They feel out of control and this is one way they feel they can regain control that they have lost..
DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH GENTLE CONFRONTATION
Remember man who is without self-control is like a house that is broken down and without walls." Gently tell them, but TELL THEM!
THIRD, THEY ARE RULED BY COMPLACENCY
. They are convinced that if others would listen to them and perform more effectively around them that they would be more successful.
DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSONAL ENTHUSIASM
Stay focused on the things that matter to you the most. Do not miss your quiet time with your inner peace. It will center your spirit and give you a clear mind. Be a source of joy to all around you. Do not let this dysfunctional person steal your joy and make you believe you are not a good person because they are miserable. You cannot solve all of their problems.
FINALLY, THEY ARE RULED BY FEAR
They have become so fearful that they cannot make decisions and do not trust anyone. "If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself." They believe they are constantly dealing with stupid people who don't understand as much as they understand. They live in fear which is manifest by a total lack of trust of those that are closest to them.
DEAL WITH THIS THROUGH PERSISTENCE
You must not give up on what you believe is right. If you cannot change the situation then change the yourself and lower your expectations from spouse.
FINALLY
It is our strong suggestion that you ask your spouse to go with you to a professional Psychiatrist The pasive-aggressive person will not take the lead because they think YOU NEED HELP and they don't. You must take the first step. Remember, this person has become who they are through a series of personal experiences of pain and grief. Tell the spouse that you both need to work on your marriage as things are not going well.
Aflatoon
