First, I must thank everyone who has understood my problem. Then, I must also get the funny side of some of the observations like hallucinations and the movie EK THI DAAYAN. I don't blame them for I know that it’s rare to find someone like me who has everything going wrong i.e. foxy father, selfish brothers and the absence of a sister.
I must also correct the overboard anguish I expressed in my earlier mail worrying about my death certificate. It was just a fear expressed; even after my death people would identify me as the daughter of my stepmom. I am strong and I have a very supportive husband and 2 boys who love their mom very much. I have no intention to die, period.
I belong to southern part of AP, where burial is as common as cremation in low socio economic groups. Yes, I am a Hindu and my mother was a Hindu till her death. My father also is a Hindu. It was an arranged marriage. I agree and respect your mention of Hindu customs in Indo gangetic plains of the north. I too respect them like any other Hindu and am happy to say that I added the mitti from my mother's grave in almost all the sacred rivers of north including the prayag during my last religious trip to north.
The worst part is that even my husband was dragged into this sh*t for all they could do to help me was to blame my husband for the questions I as posing for them. Even the property angle was tried on us and my father forced my own brothers on me convincing them that all I was after was property. In reality, all he has given me was a house, which I would be happy to surrender to him anytime he wishes. My dad's latest statement is that none of the ancestral properties are in his name and he was challenging me that I will not get anything apart from that house even if I fight the same at courts.
As such women are treated worse than dogs in our families. Hence, if my father tells my brothers that girls have no say in properties, they are happy to oblige as they feel that this is a gender advantage. Forget about equal rights and courts for some time and just think of what girl expects from her maternal home in return for the unconditional love she has for her blood relatives? All she asks for is to show some affection. In my case they wanted me to distance from them the moment I was married. It’s our patience and love for our children that held me and my husband together in all the troubled times we had to go through due to my step mother's treachery. In such cases, our thoughts were more on my mother, because very slowly i understood that my mother would have gone through more tension than me till the moment she died. Yes, it’s too basic problem related to identities than one related to properties. Hope I was clear about my intention here.
To reduce elaboration let me come straight to the point. My father was a womanizer from his late teens. My grandparents forced his first marriage expecting a change in his ways. If rumors are to be believed my innocent mom suffered from all sorts of in-law problems. She could tolerate everything but her husband’s womanizing ways. As told by my family elders, she finally ended her life by consuming insecticide when I was 4 years old. All I remember was, my 9 month old brother was crying as my mother was vomiting before me. I do remember my father not moving from his newspaper as she was vomiting before kids. It was Sunday, as we later ascertained the date of death from a popular coincident (a burns case pertaining to an extra marital affair shared the same morgue happening on the same day ran in courts till 1991), and our huge combined family was not at home. Being Sunday there usually is a big commotion inside our big house on Sundays. I still have no clues to explain these anomalies. Next thing I remember was my mother's burial. Later on it was my dad's second marriage and adoption of my younger brother by my father's elder brother who had no children at that time.
As I understood overtime, my father grew big but bigger in womanizing habits. Still, things were happening for my step mom's kids and not us. Yes, I was aware of all these facts but I was always
having a hope on my dad for I had none but dad & I thought dad would respond and react someday. It was only after I was sent away to TN for my graduation in 1989, my father got major share of my grandfather’s property, after a big fight and heart break for the old man. From that day my dad kept me as far away from home as possible all the while acting that he was aware of my problems. That is what a motherless girl like me thinks when her father shows little love.
One big question remained; if what has been said has to be believed why my step mom is happy and cruel even when my father was worse than he was before - I mean in his womanizing habits.
I cannot run Zee TV soap here by elaborating the various domestic events highlighting the step mother torture. Neither the logic seekers nor law experts have any time and space for this tremendous pain a girl suffers; thanks to our great system where a girl should consider lucky if everything works out well for her. Unfortunately, I was not lucky.
Connecting to my story again, I lived with this hope of getting my due affection from father till I graduated. Then came my marriage. Meanwhile, my brothers, one elder and one younger to me married before me and they were busy and practical by the time I was married. On the day of marriage, my mother and step mom were not to be seen. Kanyaadaan considered so crucial to our customs here was not done by
my dad; things started to get clearer. With huge friction, kanyaadaan was done by my father's brother. I had to take the pressure in controlling all the ugly events from my in-laws. Then it’s again
a Zee tv soap that me and my husband had to with stand all pressures of early marriage days succeeding a high volatge marriage. My father started showing his real colors; forget about helping me in any way, he started taking our conventions to his advantage. He wanted me to get away; I needed lots of help to complete my internship. To my happiness or horror, I became pregnant the succeeding year. The worst was yet to come; my dad put my blood brothers as layers to protect him and his wife for all the questions I was posing for them. I know, law has no ruling to see my pain when my own blood brothers and their wives were doing yeomen service to my step sister and their hubbies. Their pregnancies were smooth and at my father's home and mine were at my home. Moreover, at that time my hubby was in search of job. Luckily, my husband understood my problem and from that time he was instrumental in preventing all son-in-law related problems in such a mess. His knowledge of psychology may have helped him for he always says to his colleagues 'I have three kids; my 2 sons and my wife'
Now to the logical conclusion; all this noise must be for property. True, it began with that. With so much of trouble all I wanted was my due share after my eldest son was born. I was given a house
which was already rented and the rents were being retained by my father. Next logical question, what were your in-laws and husband doing when things were going so far. After initial frictions, all
my husband did was to keep his parents away from this sh*t; for he always believed that they cannot understand my situations and will only complicate the matters when egos of the elders clash. He too had feared rupture of fragile relations if he talks anything about what I am getting.
Meanwhile, we settled in our jobs and had a second child too. We had our share of complications in the second child birth too. Subsequently, my father was happy to be more distanced from me. I was always sad in occasional social gatherings where my own blood brothers and their wives were doing extra service to my step sisters and their families.
Then I started to look back and understood what really went wrong with me. If I can summarize(yes, i may be wrong!)
1. My father and stepmom had a simple understanding on day one of their marriage; my father can womanize as long as he takes care of ONLY stepmom's children and keeps the first wife's children away.
2. Being a very clever man, my dad always trained my own brothers as instruments to keep me at bay. His job was made simple by our conventions and practices. All he needs to do is to warn them saying 'Keep the girls and their husbands away. All they are here for is to steal your assets' But, the irony is that my step sisters are treated like more than boys and it’s my blood brothers who will tolerate exception to convention for fear of losing properties.
3. My dad being the most influential man amongst his brothers, his word was final and none of my father's kin oppose my dad's words fearing dire consequences. They have always kept me informed of consequences resulting from taking on my dad.
Believe me it took me more than 35 yrs. to understand these simple facts. With no choice and support from brothers I had to retain this hope i.e. 'after all he is my father too'. This is where I
envy all those who have mother minus 'my dad like' dad!
Having understood these simple facts, I approached my dad and asked my 1/6 th share in properties. He laughed at me and said all I get is that house and coming to ancestral properties, he says he has Converted all ancestral ownerships to stepmom's name. He gave me that house document and asked the tenant to give rents to me from that day. That was it.
I understand all the legal bla..bla..blaa from here; ancestral properties, filing case, girls share, going to a lawyer etc. Yes, I was almost there. Taking time, I thought of what I would achieve by doing this? Yes, I will get lots of property, for my dad is a very rich man and there are lots of ancestral properties to be fought. Well, will this be sufficient for all 'legally intangible' pain I have suffered. Today, my brother says, ‘how does it matter to have stepmom name in records’. Who will tell these boys how much a girl suffers in the absence of mom and in the active presence of stepmom with direct blessings from selfish dad. I just told my brother one thing 'you may recollect my pain if your son neglects your own daughter and looks after your step brother's daughter or someone else’s for the sake of money'
As always, I remembered my mom at this juncture and thought of her days with pain. At 40 yrs, with all the education and very supporting husband and kids I am a laughing stock logically, what could have been my mom's suffering in her very short lifetime (she died before reaching 20)?
Let's keep law aside and think for sometime…
I have nothing against my stepmom despite her cruel behavior with me. yes. she was right, to tackle a father like mine you cannot be complacent. To get the major share for her kids she did her best. Torturing me was a bonus; courtesy of my father and 2 brothers. Then other questions became more important; why is real mom's identity hidden. I am not my brother to say otherwise. I am a girl and I need to know. Yes, then the succeeding questions related to my birth certificate, mother's death, coroner's report, resistance from my relatives etc.
And the final logical question, what would you achieve by knowing more about your dead mom? I don't have an answer here but all I want to know is all about my lovely mother.
Am I still hallucinating?
What if my mother's death was a homicide? Can't I question after all the homework I have done? Should I not know my dad's role in this? Yes, I do love my dad and unlike my brothers, I like my mom too..
