Troubled - Seeking divorce
MK
(Querist) 02 November 2009
This query is : Resolved
I am a manager in a reputed telecom firm. I am earning a pretty decent income.
I got engaged in Feb 2007 and got married in May 2007. It was an arranged marriage.
I was an assistant manager that time.
I was in a relationship earlier which my parents opposed and after a gap of an year, i got married.
After engagement, i told my past to my to-be-wife.
Before marriage, we had major argument considering family planning.
She wanted a child and was not ready for any family planning. Whereas i was with the opinion of waiting for about 2 years before having a child.
She agreed to wait.
Post marriage, she deliberately did not take any contraceptives even after consultation of gynecologist.
On the second day she reluctantly took emergency contraceptive pill.
I was forced to use protection.
We went to goa for honeymoon of 6 days. The first day itself she started quarrelling that we should not think about family planning and that she wanted a child.
on the third day her periods came. The honeymoon was a disaster for me.
All my hardwork at my office, prior to getting married had paid off and i was promoted as a Manager in July 07
That time she was working in a recruitment firm. She was earning Rs.5000 per month for a 9 am – 6 pm job.
Her routine at home -
get up at 7:30 am. mom used to get up early and start preparing lunch so that wife could carry Tiffin.
i never have breakfast of lunch. So even for making her own Tiffin, she only used to help mom in making rotis for herself.
Then i used to drive her to her office and then i used to go to my office.
In the evening, she used to finish work at 6 pm. My official time was 6:40 pm and most of times i used to be late till 7pm - 7:30 pm
My wife used to go to her parents place which was nearby. then come to my office and then we used to go home.
she used to say that she is not comfortable being in the house without me.
By the time we used to reach home, the dinner used to be ready. She had no work to do at home.
Mom, Dad or Sis used to handle the clothes part as we have a washing machine. Food was made by dad, utensils and cleaning the house was done by the maid.
she still used to find something or the other silly reasons to start a quarrel with me
her quarrels used to go upto 4 in morning.
whenever my mom and dad came to make us cool down, she used to speak rudely to them.
She used to portray an image to her family that me and my parents are harassing her.
The salary she used to earn - 5000 per month, i had told her to make an Fixed Deposit of that amount. Because i was earning a pretty decent salary and could live nicely.
I never asked her about it. I used to give her Rs.2000 for her expenses.
Travelling expenses were taken care by me. She used to take tiffin from home. I used to go for shopping with her, so i used to purchase things for her. she had no expenses.
She never spent anything for house or the family members.
The quarrels continued for atleast once or twice a week. and that started taking a toll on my effectiveness at work.
Her parents knew only her side of the story. They believed their daughter. But that was a story of half truth.
they wanted me to be separate from my family.
my wife used to always try to create rifts between me and my family.
during this entire happening, there were rarely times we were intimate.
she always pursued me for unnatural sex which i was unwilling.
She got pregnant. As per hindu tradition she went to her parents place in March/April 2008.
before going, she put on her best behavior. she took the marriage certificate and all her certificates while going and did not inform any of us.
she wanted to take all her jewelry too. My mom saw her taking all the jewelry so asked her why is it required. she then kept some of it back in the cupboard.
The day she went along with her parents and relatives, she did not call me or my family.
When i called her several times, she told me that she does not want to keep any relations with my family. she only wants to keep relations with me.
I told her that that would not be possible. We will stay jointly. So she refused talking to me.
She delivered on 19th June 2009. she or her parents did not inform me while she was hospitalised. I was informed an hour after my child was born.
I went to hospital couple of times to see her. I went with a box of sweets for her family as well and thought that atleast now things will be fine. I decided to start fresh forgetting the past
She still never called me.. neither her family spoke to me or my family. She thought that i will agree to stay separately.
During this time, in July 08, due to the quarrels and sadness and tension, my dad underwent a bypass surgery.
Neither she nor her family inquired or came to see my dad in hospital.
My dad was brought home.
My inlaws called me saying they want to keep a naming ceremony for my daughter.
I told them that first we need to sort out matters only then i and my family will come for the naming ceremony.
My relatives came to help. They called her relatives at my place.her relatives heard our side of story.
They realised that things are bad and backed off.
my inlaws did the naming ceremony for my daughter without me as well as any of my family members
In November 2008,one sunday my wife, her parents, relatives and 2 females from mahila mukti came to my home stressing on the fact that i should take her back.
They forced their way in and started quarelling. This was very upsetting. Considering dads recent bypass surgery.
So i told them that i will check in a hotel until i find a place on rent. But i do not want her to stay with my dad.
they took her away and told me that when i will find a place to rent, i should inform them.
i consulted a lawyer in navi mumbai. He advised that i should rent a place and stay with my wife and kid in an attempt to reconcile.
I did as advised. December 13th 2008 i started staying separately with wife and kid
Again i thought of starting afresh for the sake of my daughter.
things didnt work out... in a span of 2 months, there were 13 major quarrels.
Some things like - not cutting baby's nails... not bathing the baby. not changing bedsheet for 3 days where the baby was kept. I am a patient guy and rarely lose my patience. However everytime she used to do things and say things which would test my patience levels.
i used to have only a cup of tea in morning and dinner.
She did not know how to cook. I told her that.. u make chapatis, rice, dal and egg for dinner everyday and i will eat it without complaining.
She failed to do that too... there were times i used to have dinner at midnight.
the house was never clean. Lunch was never made. Baby was not given medicines properly.
i failed to understand what she used to do at home.
the quarrels increased and became unbearable. I would have had 2 accidents during that time due to tensions. I was lucky.
My work was getting hampered too.i decided to stay separately.
From 1st may 2008, i am staying with my parents.
My wife claims that she is staying with our daughter in the same house we were staying.
I am not sure about that fact whether she goes to her parents place or her parents come to stay with her.
I used to take my daughter to my parents house for weekends. I used to keep giving rent to the house-owner and give Rs.5000 to wife for home expenses on the first weekend every month.
I used to get things for my daughter separately like toys, clothes, her necessities.
When daughter was to be taken to doctor, i used to go there.
The talks between me and wife were restricted to my daughter only.
There has been no intimacy at all for the past 6 months.
During diwali i went to get my daughter and my wife created a scene mentioning that she will not give me my daughter ever. She called her neighbors and said that If I took my daughter, then she will harm herself.
she says that she does not trust me or my parents that i would return my daughter to her.
She still expects that i should give money to her on a monthly basis as well as pay the rent.
The neighbors had intervened and they tried to explain things to her that me and wife should go to the police station or lawyer and put it in writing that i will take my daughter during weekends and bring her back. also that i will pay the rent and expenses.
she does not want to give anything in writing.
she does not want divorce.
The rent/lease agreement is expiring in 5 days.
What should i do ?
First of all i thank you for going through this lengthy detail.
There are many more instances which have aggreveated the situation and there are practically no chances of reconcilation.
please help what should I do?
Raj Kumar Makkad
(Expert) 02 November 2009
Your story is a bad affair of long incidents of sufferings. I have full sympathy towards you and in the given circumstances any one can think about divorce but I suggest you to still have patience. You have a small female child which need both mother and father under same roof and love and affection of both. Initially your insistence over child led her to behave roughly and this is going on as you described. Better you take the help of your in laws to mend her ways and again start new life with zeal and gud adjustment.
A.P.Manoranjan
(Expert) 02 November 2009
It seems that you both need to be counselled by a psychologist.Better do that counselling. Secondly when both of you are short tempered a mediator is required. better take the help of your inlaws.Thirdly it seems she is prejudiced by the advises she received from her parents etc.
better to stop sending her to her parents home.
instead make her busy by admitting her in a club or gym so that good results will come.Last but not least you must controll your anger by practising pranayama.
Good Luck.
