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Dear Mr. Alok Tholiya,

Going through your elaborate descripttion, I want to ask you few questions, because these questions are troubling me too in my problem.

1. Did you maintain good cordial relations with your son- in- law?
2. Have you ever considered your son- in- law as your son?
3. Is he alcoholic?
4. As you have mentioned, your daughter must have spoken to you about taunting, insult etc. Then what steps you took? Did you speak to his parents or his relatives?
5. About other person in life, is he still involved with some one else? As you have written. Or it is your doubt only. He might have committed one mistake but may have come out of it upon realization. This your daughter only can tell.
6. Is your daughter is of suspicious in nature who always doubt husband’s integrity?
7. Have you any time checked the facts with your son- in- law? Or merely believing your daughter. Here comes the question of bias & prejudices? All parents think that their children are perfect but this is not the case in reality. All are human beings.
8. Have you any time counseled your daughter?
9. Now a day, females are also too much demanding & not ready to compromise. But in fact boy and girl, both have to compromise to run a smooth life. They want to dictate the terms. This is the main reason of souring matrimonial relations.
10. Did you ask your son- in- law, why you are getting such and such complain? Have you verified with him the veracity of the facts? Have you listened to his explanation? Each coin has two faces. Do not see only one side.
11. You have written about washing clothes in fever. Whether she is staying in a joint family, with in -laws? Or alone? Through your writing, I can guess you & I belong to middle income class only. My mother and sister are still washing their clothes on their own. This may be exaggeration by your daughter to gain your sympathy or wrong portrayal of the facts.
12. About expectations, whether they have asked you for the dowry? & now also demanding material things?
13. All about her problems, any time your daughter confided in her in- laws?
14. Any time have you sat with both of them together? Unless you listen to them face to face you can not know the truth & you can not do the justice. Show some love and affection towards your son-in-law too & take him in confidence.
15. Finally, about attending some counseling sessions; I feel these do not work much. It all defers from person to person. If your daughter is sensible one, she may handle the things. If they are soft in nature then they will understand.
16. If you take too much time to resolve; like us, attitudes gets harden. Then it is difficult to normalize the situation.
17. If they are really asking for dowry & all then send them to jail. Do not waste your time.

Unfortunately, all above problems are those which I am facing. My father –in-law is having a habit of publicizing the things. Every now and then he threatens us. Once he brought the police to our house. So, now, I am also afraid to continue the relationship further.  He does not talk to me.

I hope, if you talk to your counter parts, things will work out. There may be some miss-understanding only.

Here, in this forum, you have written so much about yourself but we do not know about your counter parts.

As you have advised Mr. Sachin, I request you to ponder over above points.

All the best. I am like your son. Since, I am suffering, I do not want others to suffer.

Regards

Anil

20-8-2011, at 9.15 pm.
Anil Mishra Sir and others, 

1. I am very happy to read the questionnaire dated 20 August 2011, at 16:32 hrs., to another Fatherly person namely Mr. Alok Tholiya, who had taken a lot of pain to write part of his auto-biography.

2. It hardly matters, whether he replies. One point is presumed now that, the reason why you had to apologise to your wife was an alleged/ real love-affair you had, and from that day her temper went upwards. If that is true, you can accept my Legal Advice about further course of action. However, at first you have to contact an Advocate of your own, to whom you should pay Fees and obtain his legal advice, upon which you should act.

3. REASON FOR THIS ADVICED COURSE OF ACTION:- In India, the Girls/ wives generally do not object to their Husband’s past Affairs. Thus people are able to get re-married concealing their past divorces, and children. The only point the Females try to ensure is, the present day should be left to them alone. Many unlucky females are not having courage to demand even that. The reason is, after the “first night”, whether consummated or not, the said Girl may not get similar “social status” husband as she got now. For that reason, the wife’s Peehar also do not support her about the grievances about the past life of her husband. This I am not writing as any sympathy to the females. There are many a “Ghar-Jamai” who also tend to behave similarly about their wife’s past. The Social Status prevails is the simple reason.

4. Consequently, the complaints you have about your wife and In-laws are looking to be, they are Psychiatric. PLEASE NOTE, It is not simple “defamatory mad men”, to shout at them. 

5. If you have courage, document from your memory, the entire quarrels history, with each words told by each persons against you and your family members. After that file a Complaint in the Magistrate Court, under Mental Health Act, for their Psychiatric Evaluation. Even the Magistrate will be supporting you in your search for the truth. In this case, there is no Conviction, but only “Treatment”, thus you will have to spend huge amount for Doctor Examination.

6. One Medical advice. There is one illness named “Bi-polar Maniac Depression Disorder”, it is in fact, tri-polar. When in ordinary stage, they behave normal. You think that the life is normal. No time bar when they behave violent or highly skilled, which is called Mania or Hypomania. There is one more Pole of Depression, when they will be willing to commit suicide. This illness is not out of Saddism. At least 6 months medicine may be taken by each such patient.

7. If what I presume is fact and true means, you got a bunch of MANIACs as Wife and In-laws. Please appoint a Honest Detective, to investigate love-Affairs of each one of them – you will get still rotten stories. You will be surprised to note that, how they can shout at you. Your alleged/ real love-affair is not a reason to bring Police. Complaint to NHRC, for Human Rights Violations. Complaint to Vigilace Department of the Police. 

8. If I am correct, now you know why the proverb of “do not tell lies to your Advocate or Doctor”. In fact, you wanted to take the Legal Loophole of, you and your family apologised, she accepted, thus said case cannot be re-opened; but start from her forgetting about Condonation. It means you thought that only Hindu Marriage Act is there between both of you. Also Dowry Laws. No sir. The law know every thing. You do not know that. 

9. Now you know the danger of asking an Advocate: “file a Divorce case”. In the said case, wife will file for “Maintenance”, a lot of procedures – but whether Divorce is the Justice in all the cases.

10. In fact, if you can prove that, with their mental illness they had created problems to you, they will have to pay huge amount as Compensation. In the Dowry case, if the wife obtains a “Maintenance” order, if you do not pay, you will loose the right to defend. If it is her case, will go “ex-parte” in your presence. If it is your case, will be adjourned “sine-die”. However, Mental Health Act case have nothing to do with Maintenance claim of your wife. However, it cannot be filed as “counter blast”. Unless you have solid grievances, it will explode in your hands. But, I am certain that, your wife and her father are MDP = Maniac Depressive Psychosis patients. It is on the face of, even if you had a real affair in the past, prior to marriage.

11. But when the Advocate will give you “legal advice”, without paying money to him, you will escape. Thus he comply your “order” and draft the petition you ask/ defend.

12. Now you know the correct next course of action. But the LCI forum is not to prescribe – being the Advocate who is going to file the case, should not be dictated that, you want to file “Mental Health Act” complaint. You cannot place Order to the Advocate or Doctor. You can only tell the true problems and wait for his solution. However, “Mental Health Act” is not filed regularly. Thus you can show this advice and find out whether he agrees or disagrees.

13. For Mr. Alok Tholiya:- Above advice is for your daughter too – if you think that, her husband and in-laws are showing undue misbehaviours, instead of Divocre or Dowry case, file under Mental Health Act. Please note that, law is for the humans and you can always use that in welfare.

14. If both of you accept it, now you will agree that, consulting an Advocate for Further Course of action is very important, than simply placing orders to file or defend litigations. However, in this India, where a large number of Advocates work as “percentage Lawyers”, this Advice will not be followed by anybody.

G. Ramanathan, Advocate (D-1282/2000).
 

Dear Anil Mishra,

I have read with interest your questions to one Alok Tholiya who has only given his side of story. That is extremely lop sided. I liked some of your questions to him but some of them were not clear to me. As expected he has not replied so far. However I am soon going to marry my daughter too. I am in a bank and my husband too is in RBI.

I want to do my best as a new mother in law with no experience. You are kindly requested and even all others to explain in detail your following questions:

1. Did you maintain good cordial relations with your son- in- law?

Madhavi to Anil:

Pl. explain how do u maintain good relation? What all needs to be done?

2. Have you ever considered your son- in- law as your son?

Madhavi to Anil:

How do we consider son in law as son?? I am really at loss to appreciate this requirement. I can kick my son on his a.. if he does anything immoral, illegal and unbecoming of him. Can I do same with son in law? Will he then spare me and my daughter? Pl. explain me the ways to consider son in law as son.

3. Is he alcoholic?

Madhavi to Anil:

I fail to understand why you are asking personal things? My husband drinks daily. But he is very nice and loving. I am member of high society groups where even ladies drink and have no effect on their personal life. Please explain what are you trying to tell by asking is he alcoholic?

4. As you have mentioned, your daughter must have spoken to you about taunting, insult etc. Then what steps you took? Did you speak to his parents or his relatives?

Madhavi to Anil:

Where did you read all this in mail of Tholiya?? Did he write any where about his daughter speaking about taunting, insult etc..??

5. Have you any time counseled your daughter?

Madhavi to Anil:  

Your above suggestion is very good of counseling. Can you suggest how to counsel if she is having marital problems?? I am a banker and not experiences to do that.

6. Any time have you sat with both of them together? Unless you listen to them face to face you can not know the truth & you can not do the justice. Show some love and affection towards your son-in-law too & take him in confidence.

Madhavi to Anil:  

This is very good suggestion. But you may please elaborate how to show love and affection. How to take someone in confidence? There must be something in your mind which you can state here and guide me.

7. Finally, about attending some counseling sessions; I feel these do not work much. It all defers from person to person. If your daughter is sensible one, she may handle the things. If they are soft in nature then they will understand.

Madhavi to Anil:  

You mean all these colleges, universities, institutions, and even most saints who in the form of lectures give counseling are waste. Now all good schools, hospitals, big limited company have counselors. Are they waste? Incidentally my daughter is doing course on counseling from Nirmala Niketan. Should I stop her?  

Anil further asks Tholiya but I (Madhavi) too ask Anil for my understanding:

Anil:

Unfortunately, all above problems are those which I am facing.

Madhavi to Anil:

Can you repeat ??? Not being treated as son??? Not trusted?? Can you trust some one who has betrayed your trust again and again??

Anil:

My father –in-law is having a habit of publicizing the things.

Madhavi to Anil:

You mean your father in law is a dreaming things and then publicizing. Or is something real about it. If it is false then you must ask them to take help of mental health experts. But you don’t believe in that you said. If it is real issues which he is publicizing then good. You must stop doing things which becomes issues. Why you expect one to keep quite even when you do wrong. Islam will punish sinner in open ground amidst all citizens. Courts are run in open. Media did not spare Princess Diana, Bill Clinton though he was a President and so many big names. Why one should be afraid of badnami?? I am afraid of Bad (and not badnami). But if you have anything against his publicizing things and why do such things??? Are you addicted to some habits so you become irresistible and finally become victim of your addiction (can be substance, s*x, anger, lies, violence or so). If it is so and you want to hide your activities then that means you are enjoying same and doing it purposely and which is not a socially acceptable norms and you also want protection and shelter from your this sick habit?

Anil:

Every now and then he threatens us.

Madhavi to Anil:

How and what he does to threaten?? Can you repeat his words or his acts in words. Many feel threatened if they see traffic police as they want to jump signal but one who is following rule of law need not get threatened.

Anil:

 Once he brought the police to our house.

Madhavi to Anil:

The reputation of Indian police is they don’t reach or don’t reach in time the scene of crime. So if he has managed police to come for no reason or rhyme then you can complain to commissioner of Police, media, home ministry, write to high court of your state about him misusing police and his influence to harass you. Since you have not even written to police station as you have not mentioned of having done so means there is something which you want to hide.

@ Ms. Madhavi,

Thanks for taking interest & sparing some time for my questionnaire to one Mr. Alok Tholiya. My questionnaire is based on my own experience with my FIL. I will try my best to explain it to you. I do not know, how much I will succeed. I am not bothered whether Mr. Alok Tholiya replies or not. Being a father like figure, if he can do some introspection & in turn can help to relieve some of his pain, I will feel great.

(1) Question no. 1 & 2.

As I had written, after my initial one mistake, even though we all apologized & corrected myself, my FIL, never spoke to me & never responded / blessed me when ever I visited my in-laws & touched his feet as a show of respect towards him. It means he was maintaining his grudge against me. Never gave me a single call. He is only calling and talking to his daughter. I have seen my father, whom I have seen calling my BIL (my sis’s husband) & talking to him in a very respectful & cordial manner.

Yes, you are right; you are not expected to kick your SIL. You should maintain your decorum seeing the sensitive relation ship. Should not resort to name calling and abusing as my FIL is doing. He is using very derogatory words. Treat like your son means give love and affection. My own feeling is with love and affection you can win many hearts and thing, which is not possible with having a revengeful attitude. In such a situation you have to tread very carefully. Why confront directly. It will definitely spoil the relation. Talk to his parents. If his parents are not responding then it is a different matter. You are justified. People do this common mistake. No one is perfect in this world. Maintain your composer. But before any thing else, time, you receive any complain from your daughter, talk to your SIL & listen to his side of the story. Do not believe your daughter blindly. If you want to resolve amicably & do justice, you have to listen to both sides. And I feel, on any daughter’s part, before complaining to her father, it is more important to confide in her in-laws rather then going to her own father. That will have better effect. That is one common mistake, girls do.

(2) Question No. 3 & 4

Since, Mr. Alok Tholiya has written in his autobiography, about taunting, insulting & bootlegging; I asked him this question. Generally, when these problems crop up & you are mentioning bootlegging then there may be a problem of alcohol. It is a general perception. I fully agree with you, taking alcohol itself is not a problem. It is all my guesswork to understand Mr. Alok Tholiya’s problem through his narration.

(3) Question no. 5 & 6

You have to find out from your daughter that she is not misreading the things & over suspicious. Father / mother should counsel their daughter to desist fighting with husband merely on suspicion & shun the violence. Not to be aggressive. Nowadays, lot of facility is available, as some one else suggested hiring a detective. And if it is confirmed that he is two-timing you then go for divorce. He has to face the consequences. Nowadays, boy and girls are equal. You should not worry. All rules and regulations are in girl’s favor.

But some times, like in my case, even though I am doing my best & putting all the required efforts, what happens, girls and her parents have some preconceived notions and do not check the facts. They are biased & prejudiced against me, like my FIL.

About counseling: I know about myself. I do not know about institutions/ collages etc. No comments. All are good for the needy. I am not supposed to pass judgment for each and every one.  Since, I am ready to amend myself, if any thing is brought to my notice. I do not feel any need for counseling. As I have written, it differs from person to person. Your daughter should continue the course, as there are many for whom this might be useful. And one day, if my wife returns back to me, I am thinking of going to some counsellor together. So, your daughter's course is useful. Do not worry.

About publicizing the things; we firmly believe in resolving the matter peacefully within the families. In such matters you cannot gain any thing by exerting such type of pressure. Rather, chances are, it may backfire. It is simple human psychology. My FIL cannot gain any thing by telling every one of my relatives and to my neighbors. As I know myself, these all are my FIL’s preconceived notions. And you are advising me to take him to mental health expert. What a joke? In such situations, it will be further damaging. & I do not want to ruin the chances further. I am a person of very positive out look. I do not poke my nose here and there. Advice given without asking has zero value. I believe in this. Not to interfere in other’s affairs. If at all you want to contribute, do some positive contribution only. Otherwise keep quiet. And Ms. Madhavi, I am not addicted to any bad things/ habits against the established society norms. That is for sure. FYI. I am very much law abiding. About the police, I do not have time to waste. I will see to it as it comes. I have nothing to hide & I need not afraid of any one. All my life, I have learned is that “to err is human but to rectify it, is great”. I have done that. So, relax. I am human being from this society and from Bharat. I wish you a great SIL, like me who is honest & who take care of his wife, loving and caring. I did a lot to rectify the misunderstanding but I failed. She did not respond to my calls either. Now, I am not trying. Left to the god / destiny only. If  there is suffering in my destiny, I will suffer but I am more worried about my wife. Alas, she could understand/ responded to my calls. What revolts me that they want to hang sword all the time on my head, it is not acceptable to me.

One interesting thing is that you have registered yourself today only & chosen to ask me so many questions, picking up this thread. I am curious.

Bye. Have a great day.

Please do not give any detailed address of affected females, which i had to remove in the attached file.