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(Guest)

Wife avoiding me.

Dear sir,

 

My name is Jagadeesh.  I have a very frustrating marital problem.  Before going to the actual problem, I wish to give you the details of our relationship and the events that led to this situation.

My wife and we were neighbours.  We fell in love, she used to come to my house for tution.  I am eight years old.  At the time of our relation developing she was 17 years old.  I got a job in 2009.  My parents immediately started looking for matches.  I was not the  brave kind, but I usually refused any matches.  I failed to tell my parents about my relationship.  Added to that I was afraid of what her father and his friends would do as they have political and police influence.  So, I came to a decision to break-up with her.  One day I told her the problem and my fears.  But her reaction was very violent.  I started avoiding her and she would do some things like drinking surgical spirit in front of me, cutting on her wrist and such things.  Meanwhile my mother took the liberty to arrange a match for me.  I was in a fix.  I did not know who to turn to.  One day my wife went to the railway track nearby and called me. It was at night around midnight.  I hurriedly went there to find her standing in the middle of the track.  I persuaded her and somehow brought her to her home, but avoided explaining the situation to anyone.  Later as my parents finalized my marriage and the date was fixed.  In December of 2010 my marriage was fixed.  I even explained my situation to that girl, but she said her parents would take care of the problem.  But little did I know I would have to pay a hefty price.  It continued like this. On the day of the marriage, she came to the venue and created chaos and the marriage was cancelled.  My relatives paid some hefty amount to avoid humiliation and came out of there.  After that I told my parents that I am ready to marry her as I do not want any more trouble.  But no body agreed with me. So I ran away for a few days and through one of my colleagues talked to her father and tried to persuade him.  He seemed favourable and I asked some time to settle things with my parents and I will marry her after she became a major.  They agreed to my proposal and so I married her on august 11, 2011 after she became major, but our marriage was kept secret in my family and her relatives as well.  My only reason was I will have to pay up the money they helped me to get out of that situation immediately which I could not accumulate even if saved every penny I earned for 3 years.  Their reason being they had some problem with her grandparents and aunts and her cousins’ marriages etc., which was what they told me so, I got some relief till her completing graduation. 

She completed her graduation in 2014 and got a job in a call centre.  I was ready to tell my parents but my father suddenly fell ill in November of 2014.  He almost died, but recovered somewhat after being in ICU for a month.  During all this time our marriage was not registered.  But for her and her parents’ satisfaction I gave all the photographs and other evidence of the marriage to them immediately after the marriage.

My mistake of not telling my parents boomeranged on me again.  My mother started looking for matches again.  I refused all the matches that came my way.  My mother and my relatives took the liberty to arrange a marriage with one of my relatives without my consent in march 2015.  Being the coward I am, instead of telling my parents the truth, I went to that girl to ask her to call of the marriage.  She refused and said whatever my problem is, she cannot refuse.  Meanwhile, they fixed the marriage date.

All my travelling and my tension raised suspicions in my wife.  She pursued secretly my call histories and message histories through her office.  She traced the girls number and called her and all hell broke loose.  That girl was reluctant on backing off and told that the marriage was already done.  My wife refused to listen to me and with her father gave a complaint in the police station.  It was not registered but he used his influence to threaten me instead of coming for the meeting that my parents proposed.  I was away from the town, so they took my brother to the station and retained him there without any valid grounds till I went there.  So even after asssurances from my relatives that they will handle the situation, I went to the station myself and explained everything to the Circle inspector.  He called on my wife’s family and asked their opinion.  Then, he instructed us to get the marriage registered immediately and set up a separate family. Statements were taken from me.  And they had my father in law sign something.  My parents threw all my belongings including my dogs out of the house, called me and went away to my native village for a while.  I was asked to immediately pay all the amount I owed.  So, I took a loan from some lenders I knew for a bit heavy interest.  I was instructed to stay with my in-laws and get a separate house for the two of us as soon as possible. 

Even though everything was being done as the inspector said,  arguments and quarrels were still going on between me and my wife. I began searching for a separate house. I found one where they also allowed dogs.  But as I was about to pay the rental advance, my father in law started becoming involved.  He suggested that I stay with them till things get settled among me and my wife. I though that was a good idea.  Later she began to prepare for post graduation entrance exams.  I asked her to continue her job for atleast a year till I get financially stable and she can resume her studies.  My father in law started saying that I should not be wishful of my wifes money and started arguing that she is losing a year of studies.  I gave in to the argument and agreed for her studies on condition that he will be paying the fees.  I thought as she was willing to study she should study a good course that she in interested in.  she got a seat in Andhra university in Visakhapatnam which is 400km from my town.  So I went with her when she was joining the hostel.  To my surprise, they declared her as unmarried for scholarship reasons.  I asked her that it might cause problems later if someone found out but they said they can handle it.  So I left that matter alone.

Meanwhile I had another financial problem.  I helped the family of my wifes friend.  They used to give me gold to acquire gold loan on someone elses name.  at the time of all these problems with my wife, they gave me some money to clear the loan and release the ornaments. The money was used up somehow and I had no resources left to acquire the money.  My mother in law, without the knowledge of my father in law, offered to give some of her gold to pledge and raise some money and I also used some of my wife’s gold to raise some money and release their gold.  I returned their gold and they counted the items and said everything was there.  I went away and after a few days I received a call that I did not give some two small items and started receiving threats that they will ruin my job and my marriage.  I went to the police as I was being harassed by some CPIM activist regarding the issue and the issue was never to be heard again.

I fell ill for some days and I had to stay at home on leave.  All my leaves were exhausted and my salary was stopped without any intimation regarding my leave balance in my office in july 2015.  Later I joined on duty, but my salary was not being paid.  I gave representations regarding the same but the process was still delayed.

After my wife went away to hostel, and I was sick and witout salary, my father in law began frequently to go to stay with my parents.  When I asked the reason, he said he is finding it difficult to hide me in front of their relatives, who till date do not know of any of these incedents and even marriage.  Situation became worse, my health condition became worse.  I was given prescripttions for anxiety and told to take rest.

I told my parents of my situation and they said they will allow me to stay with them till my salary resumed and then I should leave to a separate house immediately.  I agreed thinking that salary will resume at least from the next month but it did  not happen.  My salary was resumed only in may 2016 after much fight with union and management.

Meanwhile, after I went back to my parents house,  I was frequently being asked about when I will take my wife with me.  I was also desperate to do the same, but I had no to little money.  I was eating at home and my commutation expenses were being taken care by my brother.

I started to realize that I was talking less and less to my wife.  When asked for the reasons about the same I could not convince her and she began becoming more distant.

my wife went to my union office (as told by my union leader), to complain something about me in November 2015.  I was called there to the office.  They did not tell me why.  I was surprised to see her there and asked for the reason. She told that she was asked to come there by my DGS(Deputy General Secretary) of the union and they told her that I was about to lose my job  they showed me the police complaint papers and started saying that I could lose my job if my wife gave a written complaint. I asked her why she came without telling me and how they got hold of those papers in the first place as not case was filed and it was almost 7 months after the incident happened.  She looked at me somewhat disappointed and there was a slight argument and she went away.  From then she stopped talking to me.  Even when I called her, she would behave irritated and put down the phone.  Later in December she changed her mobile number for which her father gave reason that she lost her previous mobile.  They did not give me the number till I kept asking for it.  Later during the year that number also was not reachable.  I thought she would be busy preparing for exams.  In may 2016, she came for vacation.  Even after she came to home, I was not intimated.  I went there one day and the first thing she asked me was when I will take her with me. I told her I will get salary this month and arrange for the house immediately.  She looked irritated and disappointed and stopped talking to me completely.

 

Now coming for the present situation.  I rented a house in June 2016 and intimated my wife and her parents the address and all.  I was asked to wait for auspicious day till july 14th. So, I waited and moved in to the house on july 14th 2016.  I repeatedly kept tryng to call my wife, but could not reach the number.  I later fount through one of her friends her new number.  My father in law never gave me the number.  I tried calling her and messaged her.  She immediately blocked all my numbers.  Now I could not reach her on her phone.  If I went to talk to her hostel, I was afraid that would ruin her studies as she did not declare her marital status.  I asked her father to send her with me, but he was giving lame excuses that it was not auspicious time at first.  Then later he told she was gone for a university project work.   Later when I asked to let me atleast talk to her, he began saying that, I will have to intimate at the police station regarding my address and the reasons for delay in renting a house.   Later he said that he will send her only if my parents came to take her, which they will never do.

I put down the phone and I received a call from him a while later.  He started saying that I should wait as long as they tell me to otherwise there will be consequences.  They said if possible they will have a chat about it in October.

 

I want her in my life.  My parents will never get involved as my father’s health is delicate.  I do not have any friends in police department or any political acquaintances.  I at least want to know what her opinion is.  But if I pushed more, I am afraid what more damage could these people do.

I have always loved her and had no intention to let her feel otherwise.  But, now I am losing hope, as I cannot live without her.  And I do not know what I should do.  I am posting this in hope that I might receive some guidance.

 

I have explained the issues briefly and I could go in to the details if required.  Please help me.



Learning

 3 Replies

Mukesh sharma (job )     16 August 2016

Hi jagdeesh you did not tell you parents when they find girl for you ;its your first mistake 

second one after finally you got married and you never disclose this to your parents 

thirs you said you maeey with her but not register thats not ,meant you not married to her and you married to another girl and live with her 

so plz resolve this issue first and than you take another step and their your second marriage null and you make offence 

so plz meet wirh good lawyer and take his advice and after take another step 

thnks 


(Guest)
Originally posted by : Mukesh sharma
Hi jagdeesh you did not tell you parents when they find girl for you ;its your first mistake 

second one after finally you got married and you never disclose this to your parents 

thirs you said you maeey with her but not register thats not ,meant you not married to her and you married to another girl and live with her 

so plz resolve this issue first and than you take another step and their your second marriage null and you make offence 

so plz meet wirh good lawyer and take his advice and after take another step 

thnks 

Sir,

you misunderstood my post.  there was no second marriage.  such a thing never happened.  and the same was proven to the police.  i have married only once and I have no intention to leave her or cheat her.  she is being misguided by her father and some other people.  the probelm at hand is not of the past, but that she has completely blocked me from her life.  even in may 2016 she asked me when i would taker with me.  I said in june. and that was our last conversation.  she suddenly stopped responding to me.  she changed her number and that number also I found from other sources.  not even her father told me that number.  now I have arranged a separate home for us, and I have been trying to get her to come to me, I am finding it difficult as there is no way i could talk to her.  i am not even being told where she is right now.  her father says she is busy in some project work for her pg course.  i don't want to ruin her education either.

my previous visits to the police do not matter. as that complaint was mutually compromised and my only marriage was registered.  due to some health and financial problems i was not able to get a separate home till now and also that she was studying in a different city.  but now when i am already staying in a separate home waiting for her to come to me, i am not even allowed to talk to her.  this is the main problem.


(Guest)

since my initial post was too long, i wish to rephrase the whole post.

i had relation with my wife since she was 17 years old. then due to my fear and family issues accepted to marry another girl and break up with my wife. my wife created chaos at the time of marriage and that marriage never happened.  i came to an agreement with my father inlaw and married my wife in a temple in 2012 on condition that i will get separate house after she completes her studies as there were minor problems on both families and relatives. 

i kept my marriage secret because i owed some substantial amount due to previous problems and waited for right time.  meanwhile my father became sick and recovered after 1 month in ICU for weak heart.  my mother started looking for matches again as they did not know that i was already married.  i kept avoiding all this until they without my consent arranged date for a marriage with one of my relative's daughter.  i went to persuade her to reject but did not listen.  my wife grew suspicious because of my tension and when i was away from home to persuade that girl to reject the marriage proposal, my father in law gave a complaint to police that i was already married and without my knowledge used their influence to keep my brother detained unlawfully until i came to the city.  when I came to know about the matter i immediately went to the police station and explained everything to the circle inspector and he instructed me to get my marriage with my wife registered immediately and get a separate house. 

as i owed substantial amount of money to my relatives, i had to take loan from some of my friends and aqcuaintances to get my fiancial problems settled.  i tried to get a separate house, but i was advised by my father in law to wait till my wife got seat in a college for her pg and then decide.  so i listened to him.  she went away for college. even though i was not financially stable, i had no choice but to agree on condition that my father in law paid for her studies.

meanwhile my mother in law also helped me financially by pledging her gold without my father in laws knowledge.  everything was fine until my wife found about it in september of 2015.  agan quarrels began.  i was also on leave without pay for a while during that period and my salary was stopped in july 2015.  my salary was not resumed till may 2016 after lots of representations to management.  because of this i had to go back to my parents for a while since my father in law was becoming uncomfortable letting me reside at his place and i had no money.  my parents agreed to stay with them under some conditions that i will go away immediately as my salary resumed and they will not allow my wife to come to their home.  same was agreed by my father in law.

later i realized i was becoming distant from my wife and she would not even respond properly when i call her.   my father in law and my wife would time to time ask me when i would take her with me and i would say as soon as my salary resumed and was waiting for that. 

my wife stopped completely talking to me since december 2015 on phone.  she changed her phone numbers twice.  and she never intimated me of the change in the numbers and her father also never told me the numbers even after asking multiple times.

since june 2016, my wife blocked my cell phone numbers even after i somehow found her phone number and tried to contact her as I was ready to take her with me as i was getting my salary from may 2016.  i rented a decent house and arranged everything for her.

recently as she was not responding i called my father in law about what the matter was with her and why she was avoiding  me.  at first he said she was busy in a project work.   later he said he was not available at the hostel and she was also not talking with her.  then later when i pressured some more to arrange for a meeting to persuade her he began accusing me of neglecting her and saying that I will have to go to the police station again and give an explanation as to why i took so long to get a separate house.  he also said that he will not send her unless my parents came to the police station which they never will.  i got furious and told i want her to come to me no matter what and tell me what mistake i made.

later he called me again and asked me to wait till october.  my father in law never made an attempt to meet my parents even when they invited them for a settlement in front of elders and agreed to do as everyone said.  but till now my father in law is only using his police and political influence instead of settling the issue amicably.

i have no intention to leave my wife or nor have i ever cheated on her.  my father in law once told frankly that he did not like me to be his son in law, and he is doing only to satisfy his daughter and also that if she is against me he will do anything to get me and my parents out of her life.  but i never realized he would go this far.

i need to know what interest does police have in this as it was mutually compromised before and the complaint was never registered.  all i want to do is explain the situation to my wife and persuade her and know her intentions.  what steps should i take in worst case scenario.


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