LCI Learning

Share on Facebook

Share on Twitter

Share on LinkedIn

Share on Email

Share More


(Guest)

To marry or not to marry...a divorcee!

 

SOURCE LINK- https://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2011-11-17/man-woman/30409325_1_marriage-first-divorce-divorcee

 

There was a sweet silence in the house. Kids were away for a vacation and the domestic help was out of sight.

I was busy arranging the champagne glasses to celebrate the romantic evening, my wife surfed TV channels in the meanwhile. The moment of 'cheers' was not far away when she shrieked "Arvind, do you remember how much we loved this TV show?"



Anurag was the new husband she had married after she divorced Arvind years back. This inadvertent forgetfulness left the rest of the evening hostage to an awkward silence.

Second marriages in India are ridden with complexities hard to rationalise sometimes. Marrying a divorcee is a tough proposition, but does it always conclude in bitterness?

Do/Can we trust each other?

Trust is the building block of the institution of marriage. Dr. Kamal Khurana, Relationship Coach at Purple Alley Institute of Relationships, Delhi, explains: "In a marriage where one or both partners are divorced, the couple has to deal with blame games, suspicion and contempt."

Research shows that 75 per cent of second marriages can end up with couples seeking another divorce in the first two years. Second marriages are more vulnerable and fall prey to a web of hostility and quick separation.

Things can get worse if infidelity is the cause behind the first divorce. Elucidates Dr Kamal Khurana: "There was a case where the husband felt that his divorced wife wanted to patch up with her ex and was not clear of her emotions for either of the men." The fear of illicit relations born out of dissatisfaction in the second marriage puts the divorced under constant scrutiny of the other partner.

"The present partner in that case suffers from paranoia and an over-possessive behaviour towards the divorcee he/she has chosen to settle down with," adds Dr. Bhavna Barmi, psychologist and marital therapist.

Dumping the emotional baggage

For a clean slate beginning, the past needs to be wiped off; otherwise the marital union stands at risk. Comparisons with ex-partners are detrimental to a positive development of the second marriage. It is not easy to replace a new face with the old, but an attempt to look for similar qualities or traits in your new life partner can be pressing. Dr. Khurana says, "Loving and respecting the individuality of your current partner will help the marriage flourish."

Bhavna Barmi speaks of an interesting case where a divorced man with kids was not ready to marry a divorced woman because he was insecure that the new mother, (p.s. without kids) would not be able to accept his children fully. Says she: "As the man came from the high end of society, he wished to marry someone without marital history, and thought it easy to come his way, thanks to his affluent status."

The apprehension of a past getting carried forward to the present makes a lot of individuals wary of tying the knot with a divorcee.

So are these marriages based on 'love' or utilitarian in character?

Gender psyche is not an easy study. The above case for example shows us men's psyche which fails to distinguish between a wife and a governess. Psychologist Bhavna Barmi and Sociologist Reeta Brara feel that "men are self-centred and more often than not try to find surrogate mothers for their child that does not promise a healthy husband-wife relationship."





However this is not a universal conclusion. Even if the second marriage begins on a contractual note of an immediate need, it cannot hold for long without love and affection. "It has to grow into affection and respect for each other; strengthening the emotional bond between the spouses," adds Dr. Bhavna.

Will society accept your marriage?

There is still a stigma attached with an individual's 'divorced' status in the matrimonial market. Families and friends perceive them as 'second hand merchandise'.

After suffering an abusive marriage, Reena, 38, gathered courage to move out of her first marriage and begin a new life with another man. She was happy but her new in-laws could not accept her. She laments, "My in-laws feel that I may lodge a police complaint anytime, the way I did in the first marriage. They are a little apprehensive towards me."

Many a times it happens that someone who gets married to a divorcee faces adjustment issues in a social circuit that hesitates to change loyalties with the earlier partner and perceives the current with resentment and hostile behaviour. As a new member he/she gets subjected to embarrassment and neglect.

From a 'nuclear' to 'unclear' family

Asha Prabhakar, aged 52, government employee and a mother of two entered a new alliance 12 years back and was content, until the time her kids (from first marriage) grew up to a level of maturity and wisdom. "My kids have never addressed their new father as dad. I married him out of love but my kids could not see another dad in him. There is still resentment and I don't know how to resolve it."

Family scenario is such that the mother has lost all authority over her children. Dr. Khurana says, "The wife has to go through a period of agony in such cases. Kids would call their father by first name to register their objection to the marriage."

Reeta calls this trend a movement from "nuclear family to 'unclear' family" where kids from other parents find it difficult to adjust with new parents. She, however, believes that second marriages need not be strenuous all the time. "There are remedies too. Send the kids to boarding school/hostels or grandparents' place. This way the present matrimonial phase can develop into a stronger bond."

The day our mindset nurtures positive thoughts and learns to be receptive with a changed outlook, things would definitely change for better.



Learning

 16 Replies

Ramanathan G (Independent practice)     18 November 2011

To preserve marriages – for LCI

 These head notes were prepared by G. Ramanathan, Advocate and copy right with legal eagle softwares, M/s Capital law infotech, New Delhi.

 They are given to the Members of Lawyers club India, who start advicing at the earliest opportunity for MCD (= not Municipal Corporation of Delhi, but Mutual Consent Divorce); and contested divorce, without thinking that after the said Divorce also there is life, and unless reason for failure is known, how next life can be led.

 Also to teach the Members about importance of Pre-suit Notice, that without proper pre-suit notice and it’s reply, even the plaint cannot be relied.

2001 Legal Eagle MP page … = AIR 2001 MADHYA PRADESH 1.
Prakash Singh Thakur, Appellant v. Smt. Bharti, Respondent.
F. A. No. 237 of 1997, D/- 12 -5 -2000.
Family Law – Divorce, granted easily - Disadvantages – The society is not benefited – Such persons may not know how the first marriage failed, may get married again and again get divorce – Thus even when there is mutual consent divorce (it is not recorded whether the wife had her previous divorce by mutual consent), the Court may make efforts to find out how the present marriage failed and try to repair that – In that efforts, both the parties may be able to know their fault and at least in next married life the mistakes may not repeat – Said non detection of mistake had resulted in remarriage on 3-5-94, separation on 4-5-94 and the husband’s failed annulment petition was decided by the High Court on 2000, again dismissing that – But loss of married life to the lady cannot be compensated by the Courts, thus she is not gaining – This head note is written not from the judgment, but only as an example of how the Divorces should not be granted:
Details quoted from the judgment:- Moreover, it may be noted that the parties were known to each other from much prior to their marriage. In the circumstances, it is inconceivable that the appellant would not have come to know about the earlier marriage or divorce of the respondent and would have come to know of the said fact on the next day, immediately after their marriage on 4-5-94. As noticed earlier, the statement of appellant is not only unsubstantiated, but appears to be unnatural and untrustworthy. (Para 19).

Code of Civil Procedure, 1908, Order 6 Rule 17 – Amendment of pleadings – About appreciation of evidence, commences from the stage of pre-suit notice and it’s reply – When a man married, and immediately on the next day got separated - After 20 days he was served a legal notice by his wife, to which the only ground of reply was that, legality of marriage – In the Annulment Petition, the ground he took was about her previous marriage and divorce, the concealment thereof – One of the reason to disbelieve his allegation is, not making that allegation in his reply to pre-suit notice – Section 80 Code of Civil Procedure, 1908 – Section 161 Criminal Procedure Code, 1973, the police statement and their role of corroboration in trial – Section 138 Negotiable Instruments Act, 1881 – Eviction Notice – Service and Labour Laws, show cause notice and reply – Law of Notices – Pleading and Conveyance:
Held:- It may further be noticed in the above context that the appellant replied to the notice of respondent as per Ex. P-8 dt. 23-5-94. In the said reply the appellant has not alleged that the respondent did not inform him about her earlier marriage or divorce. In fact in the said reply (Ex. P-8) the appellant had taken a stand that the marriage between the parties was not legal. Obviously, therefore the stand of the appellant that the respondent did not inform him about her earlier marriage and divorce cannot be accepted. The learned trial Court has after detailed appreciation of evidence led in the case has recorded a finding to the above effect, which appears to be fully justified. (Para 20).

Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, Section 12(1)(c ) – Fraud about marital status – Allegation that, factum of the wife is a divorcee was concealed prior to marriage – Only on the next day, he came to know about this fact – Separated immediately and later sued for annulment – Grounds for not believing the allegation of the husband – (1) His allegation that, on the next day, from the neighbours and friends he came to know about her previous marriage, is not proved because he did not name and examine those individuals – (2) Wife had examined herself and another witness, who testified that, they had informed the husband, prior to marriage, about the previous divorce, which statement is relied – (3) Previous acquaintenance between the parties is proved – (4) She send pre-suit notice, which he replied, only on the ground that, marriage is invalid and no allegation is made about her previous marriage and divorce – Trial Court dismissed the case of the husband for annulment – Judgment of the Trial Court upheld – Appeal dismissed.
========== ============

 

1 Like

Shivaji Rao (worker)     18 November 2011

it is better people do not get married....have read/heard/going thru wife's torture

Sanjeev (Lawyer)     18 November 2011

@Princess - Congrats on ur Aunty's return but who is she


(Guest)

Mai kisse apna dukhra share karu Sanjeev uncle:/

 

I had selected an American aunty for my chacha.My chacha has weird choices.He only wants to marry a foreigner becuase he is paranoid that if he marries an Indian,she will file false cases against him.

 

Now that American aunty is too mischevious.She keeps running away and coming back.How will chacha settle with her?I tried talking to her about this match,but I cannot get hold of her.Although I am finding a cranky woman for my uncle,sothat both become compatible.

 

Now I tried explaining to him so many times to become a good husband so that she does not file cases.

 

As a result he is not finding a partner and has become old and wrinkled.

 

Now you explain to him that he must become a good uncle and marry a good Indian woman,otherwise we girls(goodgirl and Princess) will also not be able to get married..

 

1 Like

(Guest)

she is not she,she is he.;)he wants a break from legal matters....

she has gr8 knowlegde of law like my  he papa....:P

has done all efforts to reveal his online collection;):)

1 Like

(Guest)

 

I would like to answer this, not from the legal point, but from a spiritual point..

Everyone of  us (men and women) makes mistakes, everyone of us suffer..but everyone of us get second chances also but one has to make oneself worthy of the second chance..

One has to give time, everything, all our hatred, gulit and posions, which is only in our heads and no where else, will one day subside..if they are allowed to be and not faught against (in our heads)..at that point of time we will NO LONGER BE RELATING TO OUR PASTS..OR BE WORRYING FOR OUR FUTURE..OR WILL BE SEEING THE FUTURE/PRESENT WITH THE EYES OF OUR PAST... 

498a wives, will initally satisfy theie ego, but this ego will be guilt later after some suffering, and then will be neutral...the men have already suffered by going to jail and running around in courts..so after suffering..of both parties, women and men..will come to a STILL POINT..(NO HATE NO LOVE)…AND THAT POINT ONWARDS THINGS WILL BE BETTER….THE ONLY BARRIER IS TIME…GIVE TIME AND THINGS WILL BE GREAT..

If we men start to think that we have suffered because of our fate and not because of our wives and ACCEPT IT ..if we think that the wife was just a means..I was meant to suffer and I have suffered and NOW IT IS OVER..ALL..we men will stop treating all women as enemies…

This will not happen now…but I am sure, iti will surely happen some day..the day it happens and the day we don’t carry our past in our present  things will be a lot easier..for our wives if we marry….

In case of wifes also, after some suffering, when there is realization (it will surely happen)..there will be peace..

THE ONLY SOLUTION IS – NOT TO CARRY OUR PASTS IN OUR PRESENT…NOT TO HAVE ANY REACTIVE RELATIONS WITH OUR PAST…WE ALL WILL BE HAPPY AND CAN MARRY AGAIN AND BE HAPPY…

IN MY OPINION, MARRYING A DIVORCEE (WHETHER A MAN OR A WOMAN) IS NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL.

RANBIR 

Roshni B.. (For justice and dignity)     18 November 2011

@Ranbir

 

You are right.

 

However, if getting rid of the past was so easy,psychologists and sociologists would not have said all those things which you can read in the above article.

 

All such things only prove 1 fact-That people must start upholding the sanctity of the 1st marriage.MCD must be done away with,for it's only being misused.People must not be allowed to divorce for petty reasons lke incomaptibility,because compatibility develops with time.

 

And,......there's no substitute to the 1st marriage.

 

PS-I am not referring to your case Ranvir,if you were booked in a false case.I am talking GENERALLY..

1 Like

(Guest)

I would request the author, not to read/post  such crap..any crap which fills our minds with poison...our mind knows only extreme...it will thiink the worst thing or the best thing...we all will tend to think negetive..and TEND TO GET PUBLIC OPINION...BECAUSE WE THINK THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE..WE SAY ..."LET US FIND SOME FRIENDS..AM I THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING"

After such incidents in our lives, the more we read about any kind of analysis, will make us suffer..it is my own experience...

There are people, and people have minds, THE MIND CANNOT BE STILL...it will analyse and publish reports...they are already mad and want to make all of us mad..by making us read crap..TELL ME WHAT GOOD THIS ARTICLE DID TO YOU/US?

After reading such reports and analysis, most of us fear (i used to fear the most and have spent sleepless nights some time back).

Rather, we should, concentrate on ourselves, and make ourselves ready for the time to come..

ACCEPT THE PRESENT MOMENT AS IT IS...


(Guest)

This article is not a crap.It's a warning to those who take their 1st marriages as some jokea or get involved in extra-maritals,thinking that their new partner will be an angel.

 

I am sure that when they had married for the 1st time,they had also assumed that their spouse will be an angel,but it ended up so badly.

 

Now again they remarry with th same mindset,and then............

 

Also,the observations made by the above Ld. Advocate cannot be wrong.


(Guest)

However,you are free to have a +ve approach towards your future...All the very best to you Ranvir..


(Guest)

Since I have started with some spiritual funda..let me write a ffew more lines...

TO ALL READERS:

Whatever it is..whether it is the socitey talking bullsh*t..or is it the chatterbox in your head (your mind)..talking incessently..without stopping..ONE SHOULD LET IT HAPPEN..I MEAN NOT ARGUE WITH WHAT IS...IT WILL SUBSIDE...HOW LONG CAN THE SOCIETY TALK..SIMILARLY ALLYOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WILL ALSO SUBSIDE IF YOU ALLOW YOUR THOUGHTS TO BE AND NOT ARGUE WITH THEM IN YOUR HEAD...

When a mango sapling is planted..it is small..it does not know that it will grow and become and large tree one day...similarly...we NEED NOT know what will happen..whether we will get married or not...(janne ka zaroorat nahin hai)...par your mind will ask questions..will analyse all the data it has received from all sources till date..and will TRY to come to conclusion...will try to figure out a situation in the FUTURE(nothing doing - it is the job of the mind)..IN THE PRESENT..there will be probabilities and chances..but no concrete solution..since it is impossible to control the future from the present...

LET THE FUTURE HAPPEN...LET IT COME WHEN IT HAS TO COME...ALLOW IT TO BE...

SIMILARLY...LET OUR SECOND MARRIAGE HAPPEN....WE CANNOT FORCE IT TO HAPPEN NOW (BUT THE MNID WOULD WANT TO HAVE A GLIMPSE OF IT NOW)..IT WANTS TO BE SURE (BECAUSE THE MIND KNOWS ONLY EXTREMES).....IF IT HAS TO HAPPEN..IT WILL HAPPEN...OTHERWISE IT WILL NOT...BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL IT OR HAVE A GLIPMPSE OF IT...

SO WE ALL SHOULD ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT..BECAUSE IT IS ALL WE HAVE...NEITHER THE PAST NOR THE FUTURE..

RANBIR

1 Like

(Guest)

@ Ranbir, catty aunty posted something nonsense about you in other section.Why did you wrote those nonsense?

We do healthy jokes and teasing here.

1 Like

(Guest)
Originally posted by :Ranbir
"
Since I have started with some spiritual funda..let me write a ffew more lines...

TO ALL READERS:

Whatever it is..whether it is the socitey talking bullsh*t..or is it the chatterbox in your head (your mind)..talking incessently..without stopping..ONE SHOULD LET IT HAPPEN..I MEAN NOT ARGUE WITH WHAT IS...IT WILL SUBSIDE...HOW LONG CAN THE SOCIETY TALK..SIMILARLY ALLYOUR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WILL ALSO SUBSIDE IF YOU ALLOW YOUR THOUGHTS TO BE AND NOT ARGUE WITH THEM IN YOUR HEAD...

When a mango sapling is planted..it is small..it does not know that it will grow and become and large tree one day...similarly...we NEED NOT know what will happen..whether we will get married or not...(janne ka zaroorat nahin hai)...par your mind will ask questions..will analyse all the data it has received from all sources till date..and will TRY to come to conclusion...will try to figure out a situation in the FUTURE(nothing doing - it is the job of the mind)..IN THE PRESENT..there will be probabilities and chances..but no concrete solution..since it is impossible to control the future from the present...

LET THE FUTURE HAPPEN...LET IT COME WHEN IT HAS TO COME...ALLOW IT TO BE...

SIMILARLY...LET OUR SECOND MARRIAGE HAPPEN....WE CANNOT FORCE IT TO HAPPEN NOW (BUT THE MNID WOULD WANT TO HAVE A GLIMPSE OF IT NOW)..IT WANTS TO BE SURE (BECAUSE THE MIND KNOWS ONLY EXTREMES).....IF IT HAS TO HAPPEN..IT WILL HAPPEN...OTHERWISE IT WILL NOT...BUT WE CANNOT CONTROL IT OR HAVE A GLIPMPSE OF IT...

SO WE ALL SHOULD ENJOY THE PRESENT MOMENT..BECAUSE IT IS ALL WE HAVE...NEITHER THE PAST NOR THE FUTURE..

RANBIR
"

 

 

Ok agreed....

 

Meanwhile,go and apologize to her publically

 

Agar jail ki hawa nahi khaani to...


(Guest)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...............

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...............

Good that you have seen my bad side also...

Tum logon ka bhanda to isi forum ka kisi ne puri tarah phod chuka hai openly...it is an open secret now..

IF YOU TRY TO BOTHER ME MUCH...YOU WILL AGAIN COMPEL ME TO EXCEED MY BANDWIDTH....

I SHALL PASTE IN THE OPEN FORUM ALL THE COMMUNICATIONS YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING WITH THAT PERSON....REGARDING VARIOUS PEOPLE IN THE FORUM...AND SHALL ALSO REVEAL WHO IS WHO (I HOPE MY MESSAGE IS CLEAR)

THERE IS A SAYING..."WHEN IN DEEP SHIT..KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT"

SO BE VERY CAREFUL...

 


Leave a reply

Your are not logged in . Please login to post replies

Click here to Login / Register