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Daksh (Student)     17 February 2010

HRD Notice of a company to employees!

Dear STAFF, Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm. 1) TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. *********** 2) ANNUAL LEAVE: Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wow! said 1 employee). - They are called Saturdays AND Sundays. *********** 3) LUNCH BREAK: a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. *********** 4) SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. *********** 5) SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. *********** 6) INTERNET USAGE : All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. - Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection. Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else. Best Regards, HRD (OOOPS DAKSH)


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 2 Replies

Daksh (Student)     17 February 2010

Divorce vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanid e to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescripttion.

Best Regards

Daksh

Daksh (Student)     19 February 2010

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" Sarah stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was horrified and prompted changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But how do I explain a thing like that to a seven-year old?"

Daksh


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