Spouse estrangement.
eubuleus
(Querist) 13 February 2013
This query is : Resolved
Dear Wise Counsel,
Seeking your views on the following.
My Scenario (provable):
0. Am an employee of an MNC in NCR, living alone.
1. Have been married for ~4 years to a central government employee (my wife) of fair rank,
2. Have an infant child,
3. Have had turbulences in marriage since after few months from marriage,
4. Have tried to instill confidence of my wife by:
(i) Making her a joint owner of the house me and my parents have been paying for, and
(ii) Asking her to join me in marriage counseling so that we are able to lead a healthy family life with mutual trust.
5. Have tried to play my traditional role as a family man by:
(i) Initiating efforts to upgrade my professional skills as soon as she was expecting,
(ii) Ensuring the best medical care for my wife and child during delivery, and
(iii) Paying ample maintenance every month since we have been living separately.
6. Have lived separately since last 3 months (after our last quarrel).
My Intent:
1. Ensuring the mental wellbeing of my child (and mine)! i interpret this as her RIGHT to have happy and loving parents.
2. Gain the trust of my wife and helping her have the same on me. Trust being intangible to define, this should necessitate prolonged monitoring of both of our conducts even after patch-up, if there is one (to filter out feigned compliances of either party – non provable past experiences are there).
3. Ensuring the right to decent and happy moments to everyone else related to us.
My Perception:
My spouse is a person emotionally dependent on her parents uni-dimensionally, and they only understand the language of power. They have been dictating our relation since before us getting married (provable). The parents' influence needs to be curbed with certainty for any real progress. i respect their right to be taken care of by their children, but object to their attempts to chalk out my marital life.
So, how do i:
1. Make my wife undergo counseling with me (so that we give the marriage and our child another chance),
2. Cut her communications with her parents (while ensuring that both parties are fully assured of each-others' well-being), or
3. If there is any other alternative to achieve my intent, how do i do that?
Thanks,
Eubuleus (pseudonym)
Delhi.
ajay sethi
(Expert) 13 February 2013
the chances of controlling your wife communciations with your wife parents are non existent .
it is only if you get a job abroad or in differnt city and your wife agrees to join you in new location would comunciations be reduced . however in these days of video chat and skype it would remain a wishful dream .
better take a plce on rent near your wife parents place and she would be happy . the problem is these days wife find it diffcult to manage small child without any parental help .
eubuleus
(Querist) 13 February 2013
Thanks for your reply.
Sir, from the reply, i take it that you say law is toothless in ensuring decency in my marital life. then, it is sad that the society creates institutions it can't handle itself, and yet presumes to set rules on peoples' lives.
i had tried to follow your suggestion for a year - it made things worse. if i can't share my 'values' with my own child, i might as well have exercised my conjugal needs without opting for the institution of marriage.
i am not giving up the hope for decent and happy family life out of such tired responses we all have as default.
V R SHROFF
(Expert) 13 February 2013
control the spring, pressing down ,
The more you press, the more it bounce to damage.
Release it slowly, and it simply fall down.
Decontrol is better option.
What are the maximum damage, it she is allowed to talk freely with her parents??
Chances of breakdown of marriage
1. Wife more educated than husband: 20%
2.Wife Earning / more than hus: 15%
3. Her parents/ brother residing within 15km of redius: 20%
On the contrary: If wife uneducated -20%
Wife not earning :-15%
Her relatives/ parents reside 500km away/ in native place: -20%[ Total chances of breakdown decreases by 55%
Correct me: If u hv another experience:
Your case fall under tyhe circumstanctial forced behaviour. :
Nobody's fault.
Change the condition [distance ] as Shri Sethy suggested: But it will have only 20% Impact to save marriage.
You have kid; It is too late too:
So
DECONTROL: ALLOW AND ENCOURAGE ALL LIBERTY:
YOU MAY FEEL U LOST/ BUT IN FACT, IF YOU CO-OPERATE, LOVE HER PARENTS TOO, IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE TO A VERY HAPPY COUPLE.
U enjoy her Liberty, Ignore few uncomfortable feeling;
3 months is manageable period; Right time to cure.
Pain follows pleasure, There is no exception.
Have some Pain, willingly and voluntarily.
eubuleus
(Querist) 13 February 2013
:)
Thank you - Shroff sir & Sethi sir. seems you really have earned your head-lines with such issues.
it is just that being human, it is hard to try to be a saint/super-human. believe me, my friends suggest the same.
will try to be the saint :)
it is hard to accept a (perceived) imperfect person as one's partner for life.
Thanks :)))
R.K Nanda 
(Expert) 13 February 2013
agree with experts.
